Grasping At My Sands Of Being

I was on my daily run the other night, reflecting as I always do to pass the time when I realized I was getting lost in my memories of the past. In this particular instance I was reliving random moments from my childhood. Little things like the field next to our house I used to play in, or being in the car going to boy scouts while listening to Savage Garden, or eating a popsicle on a hot summer day. And these memories come and go on their own without me ever being even fully aware of it.

Memories coming and going like the people I've met, experiences I've had and things I've lived through. It got me thinking that I don't really count the times I spend dreaming or memories reliving as moments lived of my life. And more so I daresay I spend the majority of my days just
dreaming, 
spending life in a place that doesn't exist anymore or
never has to begin with;
I think I dream more than I actually live.
These memories and dreams constantly surround me.

In comparing the dreams I had for myself and where I am now currently, It can be hard for me to cross
the GREAT DIVIDE 
of my actual life from what
I had hoped for my life.
I never saw myself in the position I'm in nor was this any dream of mine. I don't necessarily consider it a bad thing, albeit it depends on the moment I'm in. Yet my life has been a constant metamorphosis of change, a constant shaking off of
cocoons and
re creations.
Life has done this to me.

And comparing my unfulfilled dreams alongside my distant memories it's apparent to me all the many intricate layers to my being  that simply can't ever be fully seen or understood. I live my life the best I can  to own all of me and to share as much of myself as I possibly can with others, but even still, there are things people will never fully know, nor ever fully understand, or really see and feel as I do. It's my experience alone to live. Those "secret" moments in a sense, are mine to keep.

Say for example the times I spent crying alone in my bedroom, wanting to push past the feelings of self loathing for being gay and not being good enough. Or the several prayers as a teenager I made, praying for a best friend to call mine.  You can't see me during my LDS mission, trying everything and anything to be the best missionary. You can't feel the love that filled my soul when I taught the Uruguayan people, or the joy I had as I served those people and tried all I possibly could to see my efforts touch them. You can't now or ever see the complete seriousness and devotion I've taken to follow God and to really help people. And on and on and on. And for me even, these memories are but now fleeting grains of sand, falling beneath my fingers as I myself try to grasp onto them. All I really am in the end, is a series of memories, none of which make me up completely and all together still don't make up one complete being.What, then, really is being?

I'm in the business of creating dreams.  All you see is the reality of things that have been and are. And the reality of it all is there is no reality and no one can quite possibly grasp the WHOLE of me.

So I guess my self reflection leads me on to ask then, am I making the memories I want to? Am I grasping onto the sands that are most precious? Can I make myself infinite in someway?

I want to create more of things that are not just in my line of being, and  not just live in my dreams that were or ones that never come to fruitition.

I want my sands of memory to make a beautiful tapestry, even if it's just to be washed away after. (And on this note, we saw this lady here do sand art with her fingers at Cirque Du Soleil... it was incredible, you can watch here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SuEiV2unUTk). I want my brush stroke of being to mark itself in others tapestries, as much as it possibly can. To live on and be endless, in beauty and love. To create an endless state of beauty and love that's something more than the sum work of my experiences and memories. That's what I aim for.

For me I'm all about goal setting and making lists to my life, to help guide and remind me. So true to myself, here's what I hope to create more memories of to achieve my desires:

• music
• writing
• good food
• service
•  heart
• dancing
• laughter and smiles

And I'll just do this. I won't fear. I'll just do. For I know how fleeting are the moments. I'll continue to grasp at the ones I've had as again It's not something I really could or would even want to control. Like C.S. Lewis once said I find myself seeking after things this world hasn't yet seemed to satisfy. I hope for perfection, I hope for completion. It's part of my human being to do so.

And here I try.

What it's all for?

Perhaps I'll never fully know.

Another Heaven

Faded thoughts of dreamless splendor

Diaries left unopened, revealing 

What could have

Been

But more fully what never was.

Fear drags along its conquered victim

into a place where no man sleeps

And eyes grow sore

Revealing secrets ne’er foretold

Where hope flickers meaninglessly one begins to see

Another Heaven

Strange Ramblings

I'm not a particularly patient driver. In fact, I'd say my personality pulls a whole 180 when I'm behind the wheel and all I want to do is get where I need to be. I just can't help myself. The other day a middle aged woman in a mini van cut me off at the drive thru lane at McDonald's. I was infuriated. I happened to find her later while stopped at the same intersection, so I took pictures of her hoarding what appeared to be a McDouble down her throat (while all her kids in the back just sat and watched her). I'll attach the picture below, and if anyone knows the whereabouts of this woman, please contact me.

I woke up in the middle of the night the other day to the pitter pattering of rain outside my bedroom window. It was so majestic I couldn't help but listen in awe the rest of the night long.

Some people have amazing dreams, others don't dream, and then there are those who have nightmares. I hate nightmares. And it seems in my dreamland that nightmares are the only things that ever occupy my mind. Usually running from someone (90% of the time it's a witch... it's a child hood phobia of mine), or of me falling from a very high building, etc. The other night I was on the 48th floor of Caesar's Palace when it decided to collapse, after being chased by some mob. If dreams are any indication of insanity than I'm full fledged insane.

You know when you are exercising a lot, dieting real hard and feel really good about yourself, up until the moment you check that scale? Yeah, I loathe that moment too. Which seems to be every day for me. Except a lot of times I don't diet so well. Or exercise so well. Oh wait, I guess it makes sense then. Well all the same, I still hate the scale.

Speaking of weight my puppy, Zoey, at 7 months, is now 36.6 pounds big! When I took her home on Christmas Eve she was less than 4 lbs, which makes her 9 times bigger since then. She's a beast! And whoever said that Siberian Huskies shed only twice a year deserves to be incarcerated. Yes, I realize, she is shedding her winter coat, but she's been doing that for the past 3 months. That aint no 2 times a year! Despite daily combings and vacuuming, her hair shows up everywhere, including my food.

Speaking of Dogs, my sister Sarah's dog, Annabelle, a puggle, is I swear the spawn of Satan.  I love her, but I fear her.

I'm obsessed with cake decorating lately. I've spent a great portion of my life watching YouTube videos on how to make "gum paste lilies" and in my mind I've reached the point where I'm pretty incredible at it, now I just have to translate that to actual cakes. We'll see how that goes.

It is a sad day for my manhood to learn I can't pee on command. I mean, it took me over an hour, 3 liters of water and 3 attempts until I was finally able to. Such embarrassment.

I have the most amazing group of family and friends that surround me.

And hmm.. that's about all I got for me right now.

Happy Wednesday!