Wholehearted

To give all, with no expectation of return

To take courage in making new steps

To hold no reservations nor feigned imitations

To ride the waves and soar the skies

 To brighten the world each day with a laugh and a smile

To breath passion and exhale love

To give your best, never accepting less

To shine in whatever place life may lead you

This is to be wholehearted.

Strange Ramblings

I'm not a particularly patient driver. In fact, I'd say my personality pulls a whole 180 when I'm behind the wheel and all I want to do is get where I need to be. I just can't help myself. The other day a middle aged woman in a mini van cut me off at the drive thru lane at McDonald's. I was infuriated. I happened to find her later while stopped at the same intersection, so I took pictures of her hoarding what appeared to be a McDouble down her throat (while all her kids in the back just sat and watched her). I'll attach the picture below, and if anyone knows the whereabouts of this woman, please contact me.

I woke up in the middle of the night the other day to the pitter pattering of rain outside my bedroom window. It was so majestic I couldn't help but listen in awe the rest of the night long.

Some people have amazing dreams, others don't dream, and then there are those who have nightmares. I hate nightmares. And it seems in my dreamland that nightmares are the only things that ever occupy my mind. Usually running from someone (90% of the time it's a witch... it's a child hood phobia of mine), or of me falling from a very high building, etc. The other night I was on the 48th floor of Caesar's Palace when it decided to collapse, after being chased by some mob. If dreams are any indication of insanity than I'm full fledged insane.

You know when you are exercising a lot, dieting real hard and feel really good about yourself, up until the moment you check that scale? Yeah, I loathe that moment too. Which seems to be every day for me. Except a lot of times I don't diet so well. Or exercise so well. Oh wait, I guess it makes sense then. Well all the same, I still hate the scale.

Speaking of weight my puppy, Zoey, at 7 months, is now 36.6 pounds big! When I took her home on Christmas Eve she was less than 4 lbs, which makes her 9 times bigger since then. She's a beast! And whoever said that Siberian Huskies shed only twice a year deserves to be incarcerated. Yes, I realize, she is shedding her winter coat, but she's been doing that for the past 3 months. That aint no 2 times a year! Despite daily combings and vacuuming, her hair shows up everywhere, including my food.

Speaking of Dogs, my sister Sarah's dog, Annabelle, a puggle, is I swear the spawn of Satan.  I love her, but I fear her.

I'm obsessed with cake decorating lately. I've spent a great portion of my life watching YouTube videos on how to make "gum paste lilies" and in my mind I've reached the point where I'm pretty incredible at it, now I just have to translate that to actual cakes. We'll see how that goes.

It is a sad day for my manhood to learn I can't pee on command. I mean, it took me over an hour, 3 liters of water and 3 attempts until I was finally able to. Such embarrassment.

I have the most amazing group of family and friends that surround me.

And hmm.. that's about all I got for me right now.

Happy Wednesday!

Unlikely Wisdom from My Unhealthy McDouble Troubles

I'm a pretty avid McDonald's goer. I'll admit it. If you'd had asked me anytime up until 1 1/2 years ago, I would have scoffed at the idea of eating at McDonalds. Fast food is gross! And McDonald's with the classless connotations it has behind it (e.g. see "Supersize Me), definitely not for me! 'I eat with refinement, like mushroom burgers' I would've thought (Ron Swanson would've gagged on that thought). Well, things have changed. And I've now grown up into my mature palate of salty processed foods with artificial flavors and food coloring (e.g. the egg yolk in the eggs aren't normally yellow I hear- apparently from my anonymous McDonald's friend they dye them).

I'm not sure how it happened exactly. It was most likely one night, as a busy college student, where I needed a quick fix and McDonald's was right there, so I caved. You just can't beat a dollar menu on a college budget. So my mouth came to know what was called a McDouble, with it's accompanying hot fudge sundae and any size soda drink. The overly salted food coursed through my body, igniting a flame of fiery pleasure to my insides, as well as gas. And thus the addiction began.

It's been an ongoing battle between the gluttonous lover in me seeking instant gratification  against my other food half that eats, well, anything and everything else.

But really, I do love how cheap and relatively good McDonald's can be, especially for the quick accessibility. They also have a good variety of healthy options on their menu, I just never buy them. I mean who really gets excited to go to McDonald's, to then get a lettuce wrap? 'Hey honey, I'm trying to eat healthier, so let's go eat tonight at McDonald's!'. Yeah, I think not also.

I've tried to keep this addiction of mine a secret, I knew all my friends would scoff at me if they only knew (especially my health kick friends who think I'm as extreme as them). But the addiction raged on and the time came recently to finally let my secret out, and with it the accompanying shame. I still carry that guilt 2-3 times a week as I drive my car away from the drive thru, shoving a burger into my mouth with one hand and fries in my lap, shaking salt all over me and my car. Really classy I know. I'm working on it.

I do love eating healthy and making healthy foods; that feeling of energy, health and pride is unlike any other. But I can't help sometimes the easiness of the way to McDonald's. I've been trying to follow a diet pretty stringently this year as one of my goals (check my New Year's Resolution List), and for the majority of the year thus far I've done pretty well. But I have my moments.

One of those moments happened last week when I didn't bring any food for dinner to work to which I thought I could brave the night without anything. But my stomach got the best of me and soon I was shamelessly picking up my dollar budgeted meal when an older gentleman at the McDonald's drive thru window made my day.

This man, who must've been in his later 50's or earlier 60's, opened his yellow arched imprinted window and shined a great big smile at me. He then in his rich voice asked me how I was doing and what plans I had that night. I spoke briefly to him with my mono syllable expressions. Who expects to have a conversation after all with the drive thru person? The man (Bob we'll call him) then wished me a wonderful evening in his cheery voice and waved goodbye. I drove on with my hot fudge sundae in my hand spilling on to my pants, shocked at how respected and loved I felt by Bob. He made me feel happy and inspired me to be better, despite my utter lack of figure friendly food dignity.

I can't imagine anyone ever thinks to themselves at a young age that when they get older, they'd like to man a drive thru window at McDonald's. Try speaking to your child who comes home with that written on their English Report! But regardless, there was Bob, as happy as could be, inspiring all those salty food addicts like myself, leaving them with a smile to make their day. Bob is my hero.

It really doesn't matter where you work, what you wear, how old you are, how smart/educated you are nor how beautiful. We are where we are in this current space of time. It may not be our ideal picture  of what we want our life to be, and that's ok (I'm willing to bet for 99.9% of you out there it isn't). We can keep working on that. But what really matters and how we should really measure ourselves, disregarding everything previously mentioned, is how we treat people. Because really anyone and everyone can make a difference in the life of another human being, you just have to make the choice. You can be a victim of your circumstances or you can be a creator of them.

So to Bob, I say thank you. Truly, in a moment I was feeling so depressed about myself that I had caved once again to fast food, I'm glad I did.  Because I got to be touched by him (not physically Ditto- ew.).

And I hope that despite all the mistakes or triumphs I make in my life, feats or defeats, successes or failures- that I can be happy. And in doing so share that good cheer with those around me. Because let's be real, everyone wants to be happy, and we're all desperately seeking it everywhere we go.

Observations

Hey guys. For this post,  I thought I would share a few humorous/light hearted observations I've made over the past few weeks. Hope you can enjoy and or relate:

#1. Dieting is hard.

#2. Sleeping in after you wake up is just wasting time. It only makes you regret it later. So when you wake up, stay up.

#3. Back workouts are my least favorite workouts. Aside from the fact that I just purely don't enjoy it, it doesn't help you can't even directly see the results of your actions. Hmph.

#4. Most of the people at the gym are weird. They dress down like they are from the 60's or 70's or they dress up to impress without really working out.

#5 Watching older people in a aerobic class makes for very cheap and fun entertainment.

#6. There is nothing like snuggling up with a cold blanket.

#7. A Walk to Remember is still one of my favorite movies to this day and never fails to make me cry.

#8. Sandra Bullock is heaven sent.

#9. Muscle Milk tastes good but is too expensive. I mean really, $3 a bottle (on sale)?! For crimeny

#10. I like big muscles and I can not lie

#11. The initial push to get out and work your butt off is hard, but once you get into it, it's enjoyable and fulfilling.

#12 Feeling healthy is awesome.

#13. I love looking good and staring at good looking people. It's in my human nature.

#14 My latest pump  song has been“One in a Million” from Miss Congeniality. I hear it and I just want to get my legs moving.

#15. I love happy, influential, beautiful, fun loving people. Who aren't afraid to look good, smile, laugh and make fun of themselves and make the world a better place.

#16 Naked's green smoothie is the most disgusting drink I've ever had. It's like thrown up vomit, but without the gag reflex.

#17. Lucky 13's (in Salt Lake) blue cheese burger is the best burger I've ever had. It's changed my life.

#18. Zoey Deschanel is my older sista from another mista. Except she doesn't know about it yet...

#19. My idea of the best day involves three things: #1 Parks and Recreation, #2 Costco Pizza #3. Staying in bed, absolutely all day.

#20. Sometimes I get the urge to throw things (ie food, water, pillows, rocks, grenades, etc.)  I always find it hilarious and playful, but most people (aka my victims) find this quite the opposite. I'm not sure why.

Some Things Old, Some Things New, Somethings Borrowed, Some Things Blue

Hidey ho Comrades (as I speak this in my head like "Come-rahd-ees").

7 months since my last blog post all the way from the DR. Yep.  It's been awhile.... This sounds like the relationship I have with most of my journal entries. Hm. that's not good. This blogging business is harder than I anticipated.

New year, new resolutions of course, and new found energy to achieve my goals. At least enough for this post. It's been a wave of ups and downs for me. Most downs because I like to wallow in self inflicted misery, seeing as I believe the world owes me more (*and a minor few downs because of legitimate reasons); and most ups because selfless, kind people that I have in my life see when it's time to throw down the rope and pull me out. Thank you to those beautiful, kind acquaintances of mine.

I want to be better. And I hope to prove that with my actions this year. Not just make hollow promises.

Seeing as its a new year, I do want to update myself and you all to give an accounting on what I hope to accomplish this new year as well as share some memorable moments from these previous few months. Alfred Tennison wrote "“Hope smiles from the threshold of the year to come,  whispering 'it will be happier'...” ". I love that quote (mind you I did just happen to find it after a google search on new year's quotes, hoping to sound more well read than I actually am).

Here are my tidbits of hope, illuminating the coming year, as well as shining light from the year left behind:


July 2013

I was in the Dominican Republic with HEFY, helping to build classrooms for a less privileged community. It was a sacred, special experience for me. I miss my fellow HEFYer's and Dominican Brothers and Sisters dearly. I was in love with that whole experience and it was a hard breakup for me.

August 2013

I enjoyed parties, swimming and last minute excursions before school began. I also began a new job with Grass Valley, which has treated me well. I also moved into a house where I was able to buy and experience the luxury of having a Queen sized bed.

September-December 2013

I braved the school semester. It was my last one before graduation, and admittedly so, it was a great struggle to go to class. I did find myself in the unfortunate circumstance many mornings of sleeping in and watching all the seasons of Parks and Recreation over again. To say the least it was not my best semester or a great bang at the end. But man do I have a love crush on Amy Poehler (If I could spend an afternoon with anyone it would be her, well. and also Zoey Deschanel and Kristen Wiig. They are all so great).

I also managed to have a couple small adventures to Park City and Las Vegas. It was awesome.

December 2013

I finish school. I also get my own apartment in Sandy (saweet!). And I enjoyed a lovely break with my beautiful family and friends.

So that pretty much brings you all to where I now am. So for the year of 2014, here's my vision:

1. Be healthy ( I've grown an unsatiable appetite for McDonald's Mc Doubles... I know, for shame. I also gave up exercise as a priority and have become fat. At least I feel that way). So more specifically, no soda or fast food this year (which I've already failed horribly at).
2.Get up early. Yep. I let the college life corrupt me into staying up late and waking up even later. It needs to stop self.
3. Use my Time More Wisely. Oh Pinterest. You dastardly thief of time. And I will also admit I'm a facebook/instagram addict. To think I spend so much of my life stalking the lives of others I hardly ever have physical contact with.
4.  Learn to play the guitar. My sister Alisha so graciously bought me one for Christmas (thanks sis). My dream is to be sexy James Morrison with a Taylor Swift romance kind of vibe.... A guy can dream, can't he?
5. Update a weekly food blog. I do love to cook. And I think this could be fun. And
6. Run a Marathon in 3:05-3:15. The Boston qualifying time for a man my age is 3:05:00. I'm so close.
7. Learn to play the piano by ear. I listen to a lot of Emile Pandolfi, and he's inspired me so much to be better.
8. Find direction in my future academic pursuits/career. I'm at a crossroads right now. Well, I've been there for a while now. But I'm still figuring this out.
9. Master something difficult. I'd love to build a house. Or learn construction. I gained a love and unhealthy addiction to the HGTV channel over Thanksgiving break (Property Brothers). I think doing stuff like that would be so cool.


And those are the visionary goals I have for myself this year (that I'm willing to share).

So here's to a wholehearted 2014. Bring it on!

Gaining Perspective

This post comes from the Dominican Republic, where I've been for the past 3 weeks. It's been a good while since I've published a blog post; I have a few posts I've started and still need and intend to finish. So watch out peeps! And despite this hiatus from blogging, I personally consider it one of my life mantras to live wholeheartedly. I guess that just makes me a little more wholehearted than everybody else*

 

So, yep!  I'm currently in the Dominican Republic, helping to oversee and volunteer for a humanitarian organization called "HEFY" (Humanitarian Experience for Youth). It's a chance for youth ages 16-19, to travel to a foreign country in need, and help in a local humanitarian project in an effort to 1)better the world and 2) just as importantly, better the perspective of the participants involved. The organization goes everywhere, including places such as Tonga, Fiji and Belize, and it was my great luck to come to the Dominican Republic. This experience as it has been for me thus far, wholeheartedly fulfills the previous two objectives I mentioned. While I could speak a lot on both (perhaps more than even any lds high councilmen could while giving a sacrament meeting talk),  for this post I'd like to focus on the 2nd, seeing as I'm selfish, and it applies to me, and because I guess I like myself, a lot.

 

I have gained a better perspective. Of myself; Of people; Of life. Of God.

 

This new perspective was not easy to come by. God knows it's been a rough year for me, and He also knows how much I needed this change. I've experienced more loneliness, self disappointment, anxiety and pain in a  short amount of time than I'd ever previously thought I could handle. I know there are others who have it much rougher, nevertheless, It's been hard. 

 

Within it all, I kept wondering when my trials would end. Was there a way to escape all the pain I felt, or was there a silver lining to the dark clouds in my life? The hardest question I'd ask myself was if all of this adversity I faced was self inflicted, and if it never ended because I wasn't strong enough, or even worse, because I wanted to be in pain.

  I had much to be grateful for in my life, sure, I'm not anywhere like these kids I meet here in the DR: no home, no means of support or love. I do believe that meeting them has helped change my perspective most assuredly, if it's not the #1 reason for it.  But as those who experience pain know, it's hard to appreciate the good in your life when it seems the negative is from every angle inescapable. So I felt trapped. And scared. Scared things would never change; scared I would never change.

 I came on this trip believing it had the chance to change me. I wanted it to, so badly. I needed an escape from the mundane things in my everyday life  that suffocated me. I'd feel on a nearly daily basis the desire to just run, as far and as fast as I could. I wanted a new life, a new setting.

So with this in mind, I took the leap to the DR, with HEFY, and with 22 other selfless minded people (unlike myself). This was my chance.

Since being here in the Dominican Republic, I've had the chance to meet several people. I've met starving kids, hanging around at the beach, who will lunge at the opportunity to eat your leftovers. I've met kids, parents and community members alike  from the school HEFY is helping to build here in Santo Domingo, who sit and stare at you all day, simply because they have nothing else to do with their time and because they cling to the hope that your contributions will better their lives.  One such kid, Anderson, is around 10 years old, deaf and usually nearly naked, clothed only in tighty whities, and emaciated from lack of nutrition. These are poor, humble people whom I've met. The thing I find the most impressive amidst them all, is to see their joy.

(This is Anderson, he wanted me to pick him up and twirl him around, so I did)

(This is Margarita; She loves it when I refer to her as my Dominican Mother. I love her)

Their is something enriching and empowering about helping those less fortunate then you. I can't at the moment think of any more worthy, pure motive, than trying to help others for the sake of caring. I'm not sure where it happened for me that my perspective changed. It could have happened the moment I stepped off the plane, picked at coral in the ground to help build a foundation for a wall, or laughed with a little kid at his jokes. But what I can see and feel now continually is joy. And peace. I think everyone needs this kind of experience in their life. In fact, I feel safe to say it's  essential if one hopes for any sort of relief, or self improvement.

I don't want to leave here. I have 9 blessed days left before I do. But I know I'll have to, and that's okay. I've gained the perspective I've needed, to improve my life, to improve the world. Perhaps it's because I wanted this trip to change me that it has. I think desire is part of it. I also believe it's because I've been willing to work hard, humble myself, and simply put others needs first. I've seen all of these firsthand help me reach the serenity I feel now. And I'm grateful.

I'm not yet at a  Superman physique, nor am I a certified scholar, or an inspiring artist, but I do have perspective, I feel confident I can and will be all those things.  My friend Apryl shared  a quote from Steve Jobs on facebook the other day that said "The ones who are crazy enough to think that they can change the world are the ones who do".  I believe it, and I intend to. Nothing and no one can stop me but myself. And I won't, because I believe in me.

(Yeah consider me a cliché guy, but it needs to be said, in order to happen)

 

(My Dominican/HEFY brothers)

 



*(Said in the voice of "Penelope", a Kristin Wiig sketch from SNL)

Starry Night

It's been awhile since I've written a blog update, I apologize for those of you who sincerely care. For this post today, I thought I would share a poem that I wrote awhile ago actually, back as a freshman in college for my humanities class. It was written semi hazardously, the night before it was due. Yet, to this day, I still feel it to be one of my moments of greatest inspiration. You may find that my poetry skills are a bit elementary, and assuredly they are. But nevertheless, I hope you enjoy.

 Starry Night

Once Upon a Starry Night

In quaint a little town

A man caught vision of Great Destiny,

A world above, so heavenly

The stars they shined

The moon was bright

Peaceful bliss shone through the night

The man’s one thought

He longed’ declare

Was rising from him in the air

“Awake my heart! Don’t sleep within

No more withhold these chains I’m in

Let me soar within blue skies,

Mind and Soul loosed from all ties

From bitter darkness, my song ring free!

To Him! Will all my anthems be

Please let me out of prison’s gate

Must my longing still have to wait?!”

Yet the man still dreamed, and the skies still shone

The man’s once longing to you he made known

How can we look! And mock and stare

When all his burdens Christ too did bare

Of man’s own worth, we all comprise

Something Special, within his eyes

A lifelong journey we must also take

To be the stars that heaven make

This poor man’s soul does now soar free

From death depart, Mankind shall see

Here on earth we too must try

To clear the mud out from our eyes

Ring out Wild Bells! Bright Music sing

Joy and Calm, The Night does bring

Soon rejoice in Greater Light

When and earth and heaven meet

On that wondrous Starry Night

By Bryan Clark