Grasping At My Sands Of Being

I was on my daily run the other night, reflecting as I always do to pass the time when I realized I was getting lost in my memories of the past. In this particular instance I was reliving random moments from my childhood. Little things like the field next to our house I used to play in, or being in the car going to boy scouts while listening to Savage Garden, or eating a popsicle on a hot summer day. And these memories come and go on their own without me ever being even fully aware of it.

Memories coming and going like the people I've met, experiences I've had and things I've lived through. It got me thinking that I don't really count the times I spend dreaming or memories reliving as moments lived of my life. And more so I daresay I spend the majority of my days just
dreaming, 
spending life in a place that doesn't exist anymore or
never has to begin with;
I think I dream more than I actually live.
These memories and dreams constantly surround me.

In comparing the dreams I had for myself and where I am now currently, It can be hard for me to cross
the GREAT DIVIDE 
of my actual life from what
I had hoped for my life.
I never saw myself in the position I'm in nor was this any dream of mine. I don't necessarily consider it a bad thing, albeit it depends on the moment I'm in. Yet my life has been a constant metamorphosis of change, a constant shaking off of
cocoons and
re creations.
Life has done this to me.

And comparing my unfulfilled dreams alongside my distant memories it's apparent to me all the many intricate layers to my being  that simply can't ever be fully seen or understood. I live my life the best I can  to own all of me and to share as much of myself as I possibly can with others, but even still, there are things people will never fully know, nor ever fully understand, or really see and feel as I do. It's my experience alone to live. Those "secret" moments in a sense, are mine to keep.

Say for example the times I spent crying alone in my bedroom, wanting to push past the feelings of self loathing for being gay and not being good enough. Or the several prayers as a teenager I made, praying for a best friend to call mine.  You can't see me during my LDS mission, trying everything and anything to be the best missionary. You can't feel the love that filled my soul when I taught the Uruguayan people, or the joy I had as I served those people and tried all I possibly could to see my efforts touch them. You can't now or ever see the complete seriousness and devotion I've taken to follow God and to really help people. And on and on and on. And for me even, these memories are but now fleeting grains of sand, falling beneath my fingers as I myself try to grasp onto them. All I really am in the end, is a series of memories, none of which make me up completely and all together still don't make up one complete being.What, then, really is being?

I'm in the business of creating dreams.  All you see is the reality of things that have been and are. And the reality of it all is there is no reality and no one can quite possibly grasp the WHOLE of me.

So I guess my self reflection leads me on to ask then, am I making the memories I want to? Am I grasping onto the sands that are most precious? Can I make myself infinite in someway?

I want to create more of things that are not just in my line of being, and  not just live in my dreams that were or ones that never come to fruitition.

I want my sands of memory to make a beautiful tapestry, even if it's just to be washed away after. (And on this note, we saw this lady here do sand art with her fingers at Cirque Du Soleil... it was incredible, you can watch here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SuEiV2unUTk). I want my brush stroke of being to mark itself in others tapestries, as much as it possibly can. To live on and be endless, in beauty and love. To create an endless state of beauty and love that's something more than the sum work of my experiences and memories. That's what I aim for.

For me I'm all about goal setting and making lists to my life, to help guide and remind me. So true to myself, here's what I hope to create more memories of to achieve my desires:

• music
• writing
• good food
• service
•  heart
• dancing
• laughter and smiles

And I'll just do this. I won't fear. I'll just do. For I know how fleeting are the moments. I'll continue to grasp at the ones I've had as again It's not something I really could or would even want to control. Like C.S. Lewis once said I find myself seeking after things this world hasn't yet seemed to satisfy. I hope for perfection, I hope for completion. It's part of my human being to do so.

And here I try.

What it's all for?

Perhaps I'll never fully know.