Untold Tales of Living in the Closet

When it comes to things I decide to write about and share, I've received the critique not often but a few times that all I can seem to talk about are the "gay issues", or things related to me being gay. Furthermore I'm labeled a political activist with a gay agenda by somehow sharing my thoughts and related articles on such issues.  I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing to be seen as such so I don't take it as an insult but I also don't believe that to be necessarily true. How I see it is that I'm  a human sharing human emotions and experiences for the sole purpose of being understood. There's nothing else hidden behind my intentions. 

Anyone who can see where I'm coming from or has been in a similar situation I'm sure can see the benefit to being open and vocal of such things.  I believe the more voices who speak up freely, the better off we are. And being gay  really has become just one of the many parts to who I am. After all is said and done, I really see myself for me, which is without labels, and that's the type of living I would hope for for everyone.

I find myself really melancholy when I think about how it took nearly my 26 years of life for me to finally come out of the closet. 26 years worth of bottled up feelings of being self conscious, of active pretending to being somebody else, of lying regarding who I was and what I did. 26 years of hatred for myself because I felt like I could never measure up and be enough, 26 years of depression that I would never ever be  normal. 26 years where I belittled myself, my thoughts and feelings above the one's I was told.  26 years of daily anxiety that can't really ever be fully conceptualized without living it.

Those feelings as unhealthy and detrimental as they are were very real to me, which is why I place so much emphasis on them. I look back and still can feel to an extent how that version of myself felt. I honestly never thought during the majority of that time, not even once, that coming out was ever a viable option. Fear kept me out of the closet for so long and it's fear that keeps anyone who may be in it now there. I saw myself going to the grave before ever sharing anything. I've often surprised people with these feelings that I share now from my past; outwardly I may have appeared to have self confidence, but inwardly it was a kaleidoscope of confusion. And I have to believe if it was like that for me, it must be like that for others.

I want it said to those who haven't known me personally, that I am SO different now than I used to be. I have my fears and insecurities, but being gay is no longer one of them. And I'm so glad to be where I am. I'm working on the rest (including my fear that I'll die if I don't eat at least one scoop of ice cream every day) but I've learned that change is possible.

Perhaps the thing that caused me greatest stress above all, was concerning God. I was as true believing a Mormon as anyone else out there. And I spent so much of my unaccounted for thoughts worrying about how I would stand before God, and what I would say, and what would happen to me. I feared the worst. I constantly subconsciously would try and rationalize with myself thinking something to the extent that "if I ask God enough times on my own for forgiveness and I do all I possibly can to be obedient with this one thing still....  maybe God will see my intentions and excuse me". I also clinged to any and all compliments and praise, hoping that if this person thought that of me, maybe it's true, and if it's true, then maybe God thinks that also. Oh the countless prayers I offered that turned to cryings that lasted all night, fearing rejection from God, pleading to Him for forgiveness... for worth. And hope.

Pause.

It's hard for me not to speak of such issues without getting tearful. It's a harrowing experience to live thinking God doesn't love you and that you are evil as you are, so as to hide away and pretend.  It's self punishment that SHOULD NOT BE.    



I remember one experience I had while at BYU, where I as actively pursuing a girl to date. She was beautiful, outgoing, social and good natured. She also wasn't someone I would normally go out with, being that she wasn't a size 1 model with perfect legs, but I liked her. We had been on a few dates and had interactions through a period of a couple months when out of nowhere she stopped responding to any of my messages. I did my best to put on my superman charm with sending flowers, leaving cute messages and befriending her friends, but nothing seemed to be getting any kind of response. When we finally got together to talk about it, she got the courage to tell me how she had been feeling, which was that I was "too good to be true". I know sometimes that phrase is used as a cop out for someone to not date someone, but in this instance it was sincere (so I found out at least a few months later). And in being "too good to be true" it meant she was afraid that I wasn't being real and that maybe there was something else to me that might not make me such a "perfect" person. It reminded me of something a girl in high school told me, after things had ended, where it was "what I was" that she liked, not "who I was".

I was devastated by that preposition. I hate those words now even. No one should ever ever ever be told they are "too perfect" or "too good to be true". Please don't say that. If you're going to tell them anything tell them they're just not right for you and move on. Whenever I've heard those words, all it's ever caused me to do is fear that my good efforts aren't good enough, and that who I really am, isn't a person worthy of loving.


I heard a quote once that went "Once you become fearless, life becomes limitless".

What I know is from my experiences, is that the more I face the fears I have, the more I find how okay life really is. The more ok I find myself to be. I realize as much as anyone It takes so much strength to come out of the closest. The closet may not be being gay, but it may be something that's happened to you in your past you feel embarrassed by, or something you like to do that others you love and know don't. It may also be that you're struggling with something but don't want others to appear you as weak or stupid or  weird. I just want it known that whatever it is, you can face it. Don't waste anymore of your life in fear. You gain nothing and do no good living with it. The grass on the other side of fear really is so much greener. The things you can accomplish, the help you can give, the person you could be, without any fear, really it's.... limitless.


I believe in a world where people aren't motivated by fear but by love. And if all else, I'm here to be that one person who will believe in you and love you no matter what. Life is best lived authentically, and that's the way it should be.

Faith Reconciliation Take 2

I know it’s been awhile since I've written a post. I apologize.  I for one struggle with the idea that I have anything to say worth sharing. Moreover I typically prefer the learner label. I think it stems from my worry of aggrandizing myself to being something I’m not. I don’t consider myself any more special than any other person out there. I guess I see my worth more in learning and doing than I do in doing and sharing, something I'm trying to work on.  With that said I DO want my voice to be heard.

The past few weeks have been really tough. I don’t think I can say that enough. The toughest I can here to for recall in fact.

Most of my Facebook friends will have seen that my father passed a few weeks ago. While we knew he was sick and didn't have a lot of time left, it was still a shock that took us by surprise. I for one was in complete denial he was sick at all. He had just written me an email to come over the day before, asking me to pick some things up from home (an opportunity I missed because I was “too busy” that day…). My dad was the strong, healthy figure my whole life, I thought for sure he would be the exception to the rule. It's weird losing him, the whole thing is in fact. I can't think of any other way to describe it. With this said, my Dad was able to document his last few months in a blog regarding the illness he was dealing with; I think all of you would be benefited by reading from it here:

http://battlingamylodosis.blogspot.com/

Losing someone close to you  is an experience unlike any other.  It's uncanny. It’s not just a feeling of sadness and loss, it’s all the feelings, constantly, over and over, spiraling in and out of each other, or sometimes all together. And for me at least, there is nothing I can do to control it. One moment I can be completely fine, and the next I can barely move I’m so emotionally incapacitated. And there is no antidote; there are distractions, but no real cure. Sometimes I wonder even how real my feelings are, like I should be feeling a certain way all the time but I'm not, so I feel heartless.

But you keep going, you keep breathing and simply put you keep being.  You don’t really have a choice on that matter. That’s the cruel part of this whole experience: Knowing you are still here and they aren't (I'm talking in the physical sense). What I want from this, what I crave more than anything (aside from having my Dad back), is to have peace with it all.  Real, heaven sent, long lasting peace.

I labeled this entry faith reconciliation because that’s what my father’s death has caused me to do: re assess my beliefs, and what is and is not working. I didn't again really have any choice in the matter, death forces that on anyone who tries to walk with him. 

Forgive me here in attempting to convey my thoughts, I’m trying to find the best words here, so pardon me if it doesn't come across well. In fact, I don't think anything has stressed me out so much as trying to get this across. I've come back to this post several times to then shove it aside because it felt bordering on the point of disrespectful; doing it so soon, publicly, or at all. That's how it feels. So I'm shaky here, but I've also received that uncomfortable inspiration to write about it.

In experiencing the moments surrounding my Dad’s death and funeral, I've come to feel in a very real sense the deep, enormous sore of beliefs that once were there, but aren't anymore.

Surrounding much of the funeral, I was privy to several moments with family and friends of reminiscing about my dad and hypothesizing his now post death life.  A lot of the discussion centered on him being free of sickness now, rejoicing with his ancestors, including his previously passed sister and mother. Other discussions revolved on him being with us in spirit now, helping us on the ‘other side of the veil’, as us Latter-Day Saints put it. And much of the peace found for my family and friends was in knowing we’d see him again. They were and are extremely beautiful sentiments. I can't express that enough. I understand why they’re said and where they come from. We also sang hymns, prayed and talked of and rejoiced in Christ. I think of it as a very beautiful thing and I saw the very real comfort that these actions and thoughts brought. What I want understood here is that I want to feel that same comfort. I want that peace and reassurance, but I don't have it. And it's not because I'm not trying or am not willing. And now, more than ever, I miss that.

I can't begin to describe the emotional turmoil this has put me in. And I know from experience many people may look at me and say "This is because you are weak, you don't have enough faith, or you're sinning and thus can't feel the spirit". And those may be true. I'm open to that. They sting, but perhaps necessarily so. I'm open to that if it brings me better fulfillment. What I have felt and done so is because my own personal integrity barricades me from accepting those faith filled sentiments wholeheartedly. I don't know how to believe them with the doubts and uncertainties I have. But I want to, don't get me wrong, I'm trying to find the way. I feel like I'm on the playground watching the cool kids play, but I'm the awkward kid in the corner everyone else would rather avoid. So for the time being,my hesitancy creates this well of hurt. Every time I hear something someone else takes great comfort in, and I knowingly in good conscience can't, it stings. It's like touching a bruise I had when I was a kid; there's this fascination with the pain and near pleasure, but it still hurts you each time you do it. It's still there.

So I've been in an emotional bind. On the one hand I want to believe I will see my Dad again, that we will be together and things will be alright. But then on this same hand I can't knowingly accept these things wholeheartedly while at the same time living my life, in partnership with a man. It just doesn't feel right to me to do so. So then on the other hand I'm left to either make believe my own beliefs regarding God and the afterlife that fit my lifestyle, or to then deny any of them at all. And those both  feel so naive, ignorant and cemented. So it leaves me stranded. And it seems like there's nothing I can really do about it. I know people will try and tell me differently, everyone is entitled to their own opinions, however for myself, I just haven't been able to despite my efforts.

I wish I could say I'm 100% all the time. The truth is I'm spinning back and forth constantly to figure it out, And I honestly think for me, that's how it needs to be. I don't want to ever be so sure of myself so as to neglect change or truth. It sucks though, being in this spot. It's so easy to get swallowed underneath it all. And it's taxing. I'm tired of it. Very tired.

I want to believe in God. I want to have assurance of life after death. I want peace and assurance in the choices I make in this life. Most of all I want fulfillment. I guess when it comes to seeing God as a possibility or not, I'll choose God. If believing in God despite my doubts brings me happiness I couldn't have otherwise, I choose Him. I'm not sure what to make of that, but I'll choose Him.

For now, I'll keep pushing my handcart to the wheel. I'm not sure where I'm going, I'm not sure what I'll do, but I do know it will include loving as much as I can, and doing my best with everything I'm given. It's a hard road to be on, one fraught with a lot of loss, pain and sacrifice. I know a lot people I know won't see it as such, if to see it at all even, but it is for me.

My brother Nathan told me once in the car after the funeral proceedings that in the end it's about following the Savior and no one else. Nothing else matters, He's the only one who can save. I found that extremely insightful. And I'm still trying to capture the depth of that.

 I'm here. I want my life to mean something.  I want to inspire, I want to encourage and I want to bring understanding to this world. So if anything else, please just know that.

An Original Poem From Kent

A friend of mine graciously entrusted me in sharing this very intimate and personal poem of his, that he wrote concerning his coming out experience. I was very touched and moved by it as I found myself relating to a lot of what he said. With his permission, he's allowed me to share it. Thanks Kent! You are a marvelous friend and I look forward to our continuing friendship.

Acceptance, Trust, Vulnerability. It’s Ok to be open. My life experiences.

By: Kent R. Zeller

An original poem.

My soul is weak, my body is tired. As I look to the Savior, I realize How meek and Humble he is.

I feel empty. Tired, wounded of the battle at hand. Tempted of the loose land in front of me. Shaky, emotional, finding who I am. Acceptance of self, I have felt nothing like this.

For many years, 17 to be exact, I have felt alone, felt forsaken, lost, abandened. Is this how Christ felt? To not have friends to bear him up?

The love comes from above. For a while, I have questioned the love for me. Vulnerability opens the way for healing to take place. Fear closes the bay of acceptance from entering.

A choice here, a choice there. Choices all around. A choice before me. How can I make a commitment to one when I don’t feel won.

God hasn’t left me. I turned my back on him. That is the key.

Please help me dear Lord! My soul screams the goal. I want to feel loved, I want to feel accepted, I want more than from above!

I feel lost, I feel unseen. People want to meet me, develope a relationship which I am seeking. Tired, a few great friends around me. Acceptance I have felt. The battle within a little less intense.

I thought actions mean’t alot. Words mean more to me. This is how I’m lifted by encouraging words around me.

For many years I thought I was useless, worthless, stupid, and not loved. Compliments came my way, I took it as a lie.

Negative self talk took over my life. Like   book, someone else writing the words of my life. Feeling stuck in a rut, looking up to the birds in the sky. The sky is the limit, so why do I feel I have the potential of a minute?

Moving to Utah, the way was opened up. My life is changing for better, no more hiding, no more secrets, I am done saying nay to myself. Finding who I am. Realizing I am not lost. The cost is great to this point, rebellious i feel inside.

The way back to God is righteousness, the way Christ’s life was spent. Feeling tossed to the side. Trampled, torn, and twisted by my thoughts. The chaos inside, this is not free! The key, keeping the door locked inside.

Acceptance of me. Acceptance of God’s creation, which is part of the fee, will make me free!

I am safe! I can be open. No more hiding, no more lying! Acceptance, realization I am created the way God wanted me to be.

Feeling bitter inside. Then why have I felt so lost? Why did I feel you forsake me? Torn up inside, I love my family from a distance, but feel unaccepted close up.

I am acceptable as I am. God loves me most. I am safe to open the door with the right key.

Stop being locked up inside. This is not happiness. Allowing others to help accept me is only part of being free.

Acceptance comes from within. Accepting me for who I am. The other part is acceptance from God the other puzzle piece to the plan.

29.5 years it has taken me to learn this. I feel very behind in relationships for the plan. Is marriage what I want? No obligations to anyone. Only to myself, to my God who truly loves me from above.

Deep down inside I need to look to help others. Before I can do that, internal acceptance is required.

I am working on that. What is the plan for me? God created my body, my weaknesses he gave to me. From time to time I looked to my God. Great faith I had miracles I have witnessed.

How can I expect acceptance from God when I am just learning to accept myself? Miracles I've seen. Miracles and healing through the years. A dark room, my thoughts kept me down. Bound to never see myself as I should. The potential I have.

Great faith while in the dark room. The light slowly dwindling. Have I learned what I needed? My soul feels like it is night. Possibly the darkest & lightest part of my life.

The might of choice before me. A path is lighted in front of me. Happiness with my reach. Belonging is what I seek.

While in this pity & dark state. Are my emotional trials suppose to bring me closer to the Mark set up for me? Stop hating yourself Kent!You do have belonging, acceptance, and Love. Even if it is weak inside, rely upon others around & who see who I really am!

The curse of flesh, the natural man strong inside. Can I feel loved in this world to be free of my thoughts? Will i find belonging? Am I worthy of it? My vision is blurry, clearing the murky water of my life.

Will happiness find me? Which choice will I make? The pull of two choices before me are a cause of voices I’m not sure to follow.

Acceptance of my weakness, is the entrance of happiness. Admitting ot myself that I am of value, of worth, smart, & liked is important to me.

Emotional wounds healing! Acknowledging who I am. No more shame! No more guilt! for the battle has taken me down.

Appearance is huge & emotional wounds are just part. Allowing myself to think, not matter the resentment.

A struggle. I am gay. For many years I did not admit or believe I am. I am attracted to men. The other trial of my life.

Patience to make a choice. To be open and vulnerable about such a part of who I am. God wants me to stop hiding. He wants me to be who he created me to be.

Don’t fight this on your own! You have so much to offer. A valuable piece to the plan.

For so long I damned myself. Being rejected by my peers, feeling rejected by my family and finally rejecting myself.

Is this the mission of my first bit of life? Learning to love me for who I am? For the feelings i possess?

I didn't ask for these gay feelings. But I’m beginning to question how i treated myself for so long. No matter of my feelings, the vision of who I thought I was; I am learning to elevate over the depression, accepting who I am.

The progression of this, the neglected part of me. Remember Kent! You are of worth! You are of value, you are smart & I’m beginning to believe and love me.

People may hurt you. The lust of the world around. I want a relationship to feel that acceptance & love.

For first it must come from within. That is what God is trying to tell me.

This is not all lost. I am finally feeling free of my personal hell and damnation.

Turmoil, grief, & sorrow has taken my world! Thinking, and being taught, “Being gay is bad,” what about my feelings?

For now  today I may understand what Christ went through. I cut myself away from the feelings of God. This is my trial & I am beginning to be grateful. For I can understand and relate to the struggles of mankind.

To live the gay lifestyle or be faithful to my God. That is the choice laid before me. I am not alone! I have an angel by my side. Three more; Jessica, Jeremy, and Andrew.

My heart has been hurt, I am letting it go. For acceptance of me is part of the load.

Can Christ relate to me? Has he felt my pain? I believe he does, so help elevate my blame.

For I believe in the Atonement. I believe in happiness. Just always remember Kent, I was and is upon Christ’s mind for I do have a portion of his time.

Please don’t judge me Father. For I've had plenty of that. Help me accept me for who I am, for in doing I’ll be safe, and finally free.

Reconciling My Faith

A mission friend of mine recently asked me if I had written a post yet on my reconciliation of faith as he'd be interested to read it. I thought it would be a great idea, especially for me, to know where I currently stand and what I desire. So while the task of understanding and reconciling my faith feels nearly out of my grasp (if this is any indication of how this post will go), I'll do my best to give it a go. This post is not meant as an offense towards anyone as it is meant to be a complete reflection on my end of my imperfect, but beautiful world.

Here I go:

I have found that when it comes to my faith and reconciling such, that the most peaceful and beneficial matter for me has been to separate my faith in the Mormon Church, as the Church has been and now is, from my faith in God, or the creator/divinity of this world. And I know how complicated and hard this separation between the two can be; I'm still working on it every day. After all, faith is a journey we take every day through our thoughts and actions; it never stops. 

And more than seeing my life through the lens of faith, I find it most effective to see it through the lens of love, which I believe to be the greatest of all. 

Anywhere I find love I hope to be there and embody.

So.

For a full understanding as to where I am now and where I hope to be, I find it necessary to give a little bit of background to my life; for those personal/familial acquaintances of mine this touches base with, I hope to do so in the best light and with utmost respect.

Growing up, I was handed to me a beautiful legacy of faith. I was born into a typical Mormon family: lots of kids, Sunday church goers, tithe payers, loving, compassionate and immensely spiritual. Memories of my Dad turning on "Sabbath appropriate" music on Saturday night's will forever be burned into my mind, as us kids would put our shoes and clothes out for the next day.

 On my dad's side, our family membership in the Mormon Church dates back to the beginning years with Joseph Smith. It is a strong, proud and respectable heritage line, and I feel very humbled and proud to be a part of it. I also feel proud to come from my mother's line, which started with her as a convert to the Church. I should also mention that I am the 8th of a family of 9 kids, well my triplet sisters and I are 6,7 & 8, but among my siblings, I've always had older siblings to look up to when it came to church membership and what kind of person to be. All these people and examples I have to follow have made sacrifices and laid down legacies of faithful living, and it's marvelous to me.

I myself was baptized a member of the Church at 8 years old, typical story for a child who's family are all members. I remember my baptism being a happy one: Sister Degenshein, an older woman in our little church ward had made my sisters, her granddaughter Becky (who was baptized with us) and I all cakes to celebrate. I remember feeling awkward wearing this one piece white suit that was so unfashionable (I was still gay back then), but then happy about what I was doing. I didn't know much then, if anything at all, more just repetitious faith filled statements I was told to say about God, or Joseph Smith and the Church.  I was only 8 after all.

Moving forward a little, the Church standards were something that we tried to live in our home every day, and something I wanted to live because of it. I attended Seminary in high school, I read my scriptures, albeit as a teenager I mainly skimmed through most of it and clung to the scriptures that had some simple and inspiring meaning to them. I went to church every week, and despite some of the social pressure I felt because I didn’t really relate to a lot of the other boys my age, I was happy. Well relatively happy, despite the self hatred I had for myself.

I attended college at BYU (I recently just finished). It was never a question in my mind of where to go to school: God’s school was BYU, and if I wanted to find a woman to marry and make anything of my life (despite how messed up I know this thinking is now), I had to go to BYU. So that’s all I applied to. 

My first year at BYU was wonderful. I had other siblings there to support me (my triplet sisters started with me- you can find an article online here that the Deseret News did of us, my dad felt like we were hot stuff: http://www.deseretnews.com/article/640187420/Family-has-freshmen-set-for-BYU--1-2-3.html?pg=all). I also had more peers my age who were also members of the Church, and all wonderful people who sought to follow the Church’s standards and be decent, kind human beings. I loved how the Church made me feel and what it was doing to make me a better person.

So I went on a mission for the Church. I was called to Uruguay in South America, Spanish speaking. It actually was the same mission my Dad served in years before; I won’t say how much in fear of punishment. And my mission, well. I could write books on my mission. How to boil it down. I loved my mission. And I gave my whole heart to the people I was in contact with every day. I gave my whole heart to the Church, to teaching, to working hard and to developing my relationship with God. I was quite the imperfect missionary and I had many faults that could be pointed out, but I did all I could to be the best missionary I could be. And I loved the Church even more for that, because of how it was making me work towards something greater. I saw lives change, I felt things I’d never felt before, and I met people I hope never  leave my life. I can’t think about my mission or anyone from it without getting choked up and without tears coming to my eyes. It changed my life forever. And I’m eternally indebted for that.

So I came back from my 2 year mission to BYU, to then spend the next years of my life at BYU, fully invested in faithful living, as the Church had outlined it. I wanted a temple marriage to a woman, so I dated. And dated. And dated. Perhaps the biggest frustration of my life because there were so many amazing woman that I had potential to marry, and yet, I could not bring myself inside to do it. Something always kept holding me back from getting too close, from committing too much. But I still tried. I always thought it just meant it was another girl. I felt so sure of a couple girls at the time, that for one reason or another, never worked out (the ones who I think really personally saw me as a gay person). But I believed in the Church, I believed in what I was taught from a young age, and I wanted the happiness I was promised for doing it all. But I wasn't happy. I was very, very depressed actually. I always blamed it on the fact that I was imperfect, and all the weaknesses I had. I sure desired perfection, as I still do, but I haven’t yet achieved it (nor met anyone who has). It was the Christmas of 2012 when things took a very downward spiral for me. I was still at school, in Provo, alone in my apartment, working full time during the break to earn money. I had reached a point where I had to acknowledge it all, the fact that I was gay, and this was never going away. It was all very dooming to me at the time as I had never ever wanted to “be gay” or desire such. So I turned to finding ways to ending my life.

This is also a subject I don’t wish to dwell too long upon as it brings up in me the most raw and real feelings. Suffice it to say if it wasn’t for one good roommate in particular, I worry about what I may have done to myself. I had already been physically beating myself up a lot, but it was a breaking point. The emotional and physical scars were worn and life had been dying to tell me to accept the fact that I was gay. That I was ok. That somehow I had a life still worth living. I still cling to that thought now, albeit I’d be a liar if I said I didn't struggle with it still. There ya go, there’s my attempt at reconciliation of faith in action there in that last sentence! I am indeed trying.

So I came out. Slowly. Very slowly. It is an immensely difficult process, as it feels like the world you have always known is shattering all around you as you do. And sometimes it does, and sometimes life is surprisingly exceedingly still the same, and normal.

And then I found Derek.

That has been a struggle, as you can see marked by some of my personal journal entries. I have fought and fought and fought internally and outwardly to try and find a way to make my relationship work alongside the teachings of the Church. I've sought out people, I've researched, studied, prayed, fasted and done all I could to search for answers. And it has been the most grueling process to go through. It's felt like many if not most times up until now this constant tug of war I would be in, where on one end I gave up Derek and followed the Church's standards on homosexuality, as I've always tried to do. Then on the other hand I would give up the Church (so nonchalantly) and do whatever I wanted to do. Neither ever brought me the happiness I so desired.

But finally, making my coming out video has brought me peace. Peace that I have so long sought for. And answers to prayers I've so long made. You will be amazingly surprised at the answers that come, the help you receive and the peace of mind you'll feel by being completely 100% authentic with the world. I had no idea. That night I made that video, Derek and I drove up to Park City to get away. And man, I'll tell ya, I felt on top of the world. Not just that, but I felt whole, complete, perfect for the first time. By somehow accepting all of myself, most particularly the imperfections, I had found wholeness.

And that's where I am now. I finally have come to a place where I believe in myself fully. I believe that it's okay for me to date Derek, I believe it's okay for me to not go to Church every Sunday or do all I can to live my life in the "faithful way" that my Church has set it out. And I've gotten here because I've finally been able to find worth in myself. As hard and as crazy as that is, I Bryan Clark, find worth in me. And what I do, say and think. I live my life for love. I live my life for Derek for he is love, and shows me love back. And it's the most beautiful thing I've ever encountered. And I've found God there.

So no, in this post or in my current opinions, you will not find complete harmony with the Church's teachings. I openly question, struggle and am skeptical of things. I'm a science major: I am openly skeptical of all things (including God) but at the same time open to all new understanding and knowledge.

I bear my flaws to you now as I've accepted them as a part of me. And I hope to continue to be 100% bearing of all things in my life, like it or not, uncomfortable or not. I realize that this brings me an immense pain and heartache on a day to day level, as people seek to judge me as they see fit, but I must do this. I have to do this: to experience real happiness, real love and real joy, there's no other road. This is the walk we all must take. The one less traveled. And this is the walk I'm currently on.

 You see, life is real to me, I don't just do things, say things, or believe in things. I mean all that I do and I try to put my heart into all that I am. That's a 24/7 mountain to climb. And it's exhilarating and immensely scary at the same time; in the words of Brene Brown it causes quite the vulnerability headache.

So I haven't given up on anything, least of all God, the Church or myself. But I also hope not to deny anything or to push aside things I don't know for the mere fact of placing my faith and trust in others.I have seen too much damage by the Church when that is done. I also know that there is much love that can be still be done that way, and I won't call anyone wrong who does that. But for me, my faith and my reality: I choose me. Over ANYTHING. I CHOOSE ME. 

And as selfish as that may sound, I've found the greatest amount of joy and selfless living in that.

Another Sharing of Pieces From My Soul

I thought I might share a few more journal entries with my blog, and those of you who find it beneficial to read them.

Again I am a bit cautious in sharing these for the fact of how very vulnerable a position they put me in. But I've also found strength every time I take a step such as this, and a greater hope that it will lead me to where I'm supposed to be.

This time I tried to add a couple more of the moments in my life that gave me promising direction that's led me to where I am now. Albeit I'll admit it's a bit hard for me to find those entries, a lot of what I write about is very depressing. In fact most of it is. I guess that's human nature for me to: we tend to dwell more on our insecurities and depressed moments rather than the good (which can be just as overwhelming). So without further adieu, here's another snippet of moments peering into my soul:

February 05, 2013

Heaven knows I have a lot to talk about today. As I’ve been doing all I can to be accepting of myself, with regards to my strengths and flaws, I have since become more open with others regarding my struggle with same gender attraction. It has not been an easy road by any means to follow, but I can say with certainty that I have learned so much in the past few weeks, made friendships I hope will last forever, and in essence feel closer to God. 

Many of my own personal views have begun to evolve and change, but that is all for the better.

I had perhaps one of the lowest moments of my life today, and how trifling for me now looking back to see it was over the silliest thing. I've been so emotional lately; who knew how great the quest was at reaching inner peace with one’s self.  I feel like my whole life up until now I've had to hide my real self behind a beautiful painted picture. It was I thought everyone wanted to see.  It’s what I had been told to be. After all, who would appreciate a work of art that’s been roughed up, marked on, and clearly been worn? Clear flaws, aghast! There could be no such things in my painting. No, surely not, for I am to be a piece of art to be remembered, and that art can only be achieved by clear obedience to a before laden organization and scheme. Or is that really true? It’s what I’ve done my whole life. And now, now having been lost all these years, I can finally see.  

More into that thought: all the time I felt like my true artistry had to hide behind the facade of the pretend one. I feel like I’m learning to love the person behind the painting, the dark colors and marks made on that painting, as well as the one’s still yet to be made.

Beauty is so much in the imperfection of the human being. It’s what makes us who we are. It’s what keeps us humble, reminds us to change and keeps us moving. How have I lived for so long, and been so judgmental of those different to me? How I have I gone on living, staying safely behind the opinions and ideas of those not of my own? How can I hope to fully live life, if I don’t also feel free to express, wield and develop my own mind and intellect? There is beauty in faith, true, and even more yet, there is safety. And yet, the real fulfillment in life comes from ‘leaving the safe harbor’, and exploring and experiencing the world for one’s own.

I feel like I’m a babe again, learning all about the world around me. It’s all in motion, changing, moving towards some greater purpose in the universe. I weep for love, I weep for understanding and nurture. What the future has in store for me? I really don’t know. But I intend to ride the tidal waves of progress and change, bending my will to follow that which it may come across and be refined by. I am reborn.

Tuesday.

February 23, 2013

I feel extremely burdened, and overwhelmed at the moment. I think the reason I feel the way I do in great part may be due to the massive headache I’m trying to endure through right now. I can’t quite explain fully the emotional drama I’ve experienced this past two months, but it’s been more than I feel I’ve ever gone through.
I feel lost and confused, and tired. Tired of searching for answers to find nothing. Tired of trying to know what’s best for me to do. I’m just tired of it all. I can’t keep this up.

I watched a video Chandy shared with me, called “Mountains to Climb”, done by the Church. It’s a voice over of a talk by President Eyring, with differing situations shown. I bawled throughout the clip. I feel like my faith has been struck to the very core, and it’s terrifying. I’m also struck with wonder because in comparison, I know my trials are so small compared to others, and yet, I can’t feel constantly overwhelmed at the prospect of each new day……. I’m scared I’m digressing rather than progressing in my life right now. I don’t like that.  I got mad at God yesterday, because I couldn’t find my wallet anywhere. I think it was an explosion of the pent up feelings I’ve had about everything going on. I later found my wallet, but it still hasn’t stopped me to feel super guilty about it.


I can’t forget my mission and the person I knew I wanted to be while I served. Oh God, please hear this humble prayer of mine. Sanctify my heart. Lengthen my stride. Guide to me true paths, and help me find souls to bless.

Saturday

January 15. 2014

Oh. Another day. I really hate writing about depressing days. I feel guilty about them. I realize I could be better but I choose to wallow in my problems and personal drama. But nonetheless, I will write down the doings of my day so sometime in the future I can look back and think 'thank goodness I'm not in that same place', or “how could I have been so silly'.

I woke up this morning from a nightmare. Derek and I were on an elevator going up to the top of the Empire State building. I was grasping the ground the elevator shot up so fast. When we got to the top, there were windows encompassing the whole top of the building. I couldn't get up from the ground I was too scared. And then in my dream Derek opened the window and jumped out. At first I thought he was committing suicide, but then it seemed he was trying to fly with these shoulder wing mechanisms. But the wind in my dream kept blowing him into the window, and he kept slamming into it. Horribly. Hearing that scream in my mind now still makes me cry. I was bawling in my dream. And then I woke up. That ended up being a pre determiner of my emotional well-being for most of today……

January 22. 2014

My heart is heavy this evening. As heavy as it's ever been. I long for hope. Hope that I used to have but was robbed from me. Hope that I have a future worthy of living. I also long for faith. Faith in myself. I've been so fearful and made so many mistakes in that fear, or had of decisions thereof. I fear I've cut myself off from ever having a family or of being successful in a career. I fear being cut off from God.

Oh how I long for a family this evening. One with children to call my own. That thought has always been my saving grace ever since I've known. I remember as a child being so anxious for the day to find my wife and be married in the temple. I always thought I would try to be the best Father I could be, one my children could be proud of calling “Dad”. Oh how my heart still aches for that. Ache is not nearly an adequate enough expression for what I feel. It is so much more, so much deeper.

I miss the assurance of eternal life and of personal standing and grace with God. I do not want to stray from my God and the blessing he's so bountifully given me.

The stakes are high. So very high.

I am a torn man. I plead for guidance. I plead for mending. Am I wrong to date Derek and lead the path I am right now? Or should I painstakingly choose another way?

Oh if only some divine manifestation could give me the revelation I seek. No earthly man can tell me with great confidence that what I am doing is alright in the sight of God. I've only ever known the LDS faith. It's all I've been and given myself to. To leave would be an awfully terrible adventure in my mind.

I weep and yet I can't. My experience in this endeavor has become so harrowing that even tears escape me now. I want to love and be loved. I want to be love.

I am a broken man. I wish for the life that could have been, that should have been, but will never be. A new life.

Wednesday

April 25. 2014

Dear Journal,

It's good to be in touch with you again. You've helped me understand myself a lot, and you've helped see me through some rough times. It feels good to be completely honest with you, not like when in high school or freshman year of college where I would write every day, but never of the deeply troubling things of my mind (like being gay).

On that note I had two coworkers who asked me to come over tonight and said “Hey, you are a pretty boy, you take care of yourself and look good but you're not gay. And that's great”. I was on the verge of saying something and I chuckled, but decided it would be better to just say thank you.

I've been listening to some deeply spiritual music today: Ellie Goulding, Zoey Deschanel and Judy Garland. I love soulful music- the kind that has deep meaning, dripping with emotion. “All I want” is like that with Ellie Goulding. All of Judy Garland's music is so vulnerable. It rings deep into my soul.

I'm finding a greater sense of peace in my life. I sensed that while I was in the middle of my run today. I am gay, and I am a faith driven person. And I'm okay with myself, or at least on the path currently to getting there.

I checked the scale today..... It was a doozy but I expected it to be bad. I've eaten badly and not exercised as much lately. But that's changing as of today….. I'm a happy dog parent. I want a black baby (badly) and I'm a Mormon. And this is my life.

5.24.2014

Conquering the world, one thought at a time. Most preoccupying my mind in the present is yet another attempt of mine to try and resolve my faith with my sexuality (aka dating Derek). I believe in God and want to. So much goodness in my life has come from my faith. And I want to love Derek. He has been the greatest good and person to ever come into my life. It scares me, to think of life with him, or eternity even (if that's how it is). But he is the greatest person I have ever known. And I cherish the opportunity I've had to spend my life with him thus far. He is a beautiful, old soul. I love the Church. And I honestly acknowledge I have qualms I can't let go unnoticed with it. And I am anxious to be told I'm wrong and what to do. But I do feel more confidently (getting there) that I'm doing what I should be right now, in regards to the present knowledge and faith I have.

It's been a beautiful day. I woke up early in the morning, enjoying the tipper tatter of the rain, falling from the outside railing behind my window and onto the cement floor. It was beautiful. I love rainy days, they remind me so much of New York showers and the good times I had as a kid playing in the rain with my siblings. There was nothing like getting in our swim trunks and taking baths in the puddles the rain would create as kids! Oh that grosses me out now, but it was oh so fun.

I've been caught up a lot recently in money and my career. It's precluded all my thoughts and filled me with anxiety and embarrassment. I've let myself judge my own character and worth by what I make and the current position I'm in. I let it get me really down. But I'm through it and I'm better now.

I want to be a better person. And I don't want money to rule my life, or acquiring things. I just want to do the best with what I have. And love as much as I possibly can. And do as much as I possibly can for good.

So here's to me letting go of my current fear of the future and unknown and hate for all things, including resentments I've been holding and judgments I've let rule my life. I want to be me.

Alisha, my sister, has been so inspiring to me as of late. She seems so free and happy. And I love it. She amazes me. She's been so strong to do what makes her happy and to let go of what doesn't. And I can see it in her eyes, that look people have who really know what life is about. I've missed that look in my life.

Alisha, Sarah, Derek and myself, with Jake, all went out last night to the Bayou for dinner. Originally we were going to go to Lucky 13 (my personal favorite) but it was too busy. I do love being able to spend time with my family.

I got to spend the morning with Derek and Zoey, so life couldn't be better. She's 36.6 lbs now by the way! I can't believe how big she is. She's a bundle of a lot of things (including hair) but I do love her….. I'm a happy man, at this moment. Surely goodness has followed me and will continue to.

Saturday

5.29.2014

Oh what a wonderful day it's been. Life slowly gets better and better for me and I'm grateful for that. I'm sure there are a number of reasons for it, many of which I've decided to initiate, but all in all it makes me a happy person. And I hope to keep it up. I believe in myself….

The Church is still heavily on my mind. And I've been praying constantly in my own thoughts to God as to what to do. I'm still waiting. But I'll keep being patient. Man oh man oh man do I want my own kids. That's the biggest loss I feel right now from not following the Church’s teachings on homosexuality and marrying a woman. And I'm sure that's very selfish of me. But I can't help but feel it. The desire to be a father has inflamed my soul for as long as I've known.

More to come....