Never Enough

  I recently made a post on my Facebook & Instagram account, referring to my often distorted image of the way I view my body. It was a culmination of thoughts that's been silently brewing in me for a long while. You know - those kinds of thoughts that desperately fight to come out and be heard in your alone time, but you shy back from, justifying your need to "protect yourself".

That floodgate of vulnerability seems to be a constant theme to my life; as many efforts as I make to be a genuine person, in one way or another I continue to hold things back for reasons of shame and fear. Things that inevitably demand to be felt in order to move past them. And many times, that vulnerability only comes by way of a shit storm. Why does it seem so often it takes a shit storm for me to realize it's okay to be real and imperfect?

  It was refreshing for me to face my insecurities in such a way, I think I found a new power in myself that I have so often doubted. That power coming from the belief that I am beautiful and strong, despite all the ways I inevitably make mistakes. I am beautiful despite not looking like the athletic physiques that flood my social media and tv screen. I am beautiful despite the many times I gorge on ice cream and donuts or half-ass my way through a gym workout. And I am beautiful in spite of achieving certain athletic goals and outward appearances.

 Body image has been something I've struggled with for as long as I can remember. And I know I'm not the only person, gay, straight or otherwise, who has felt this way. I can look back all the way to my elementary school days, thinking that if only I was pretty, people would like me and I would matter. I don't think it helped growing up in a family with 9 kids, and being a triplet at that. You can imagine you wouldn't get as much attention as one in a smaller family would. Don't get me wrong, I love my family and wouldn't trade them for the world. But I do think that need to feel important in part grew from a feeling of loneliness that often came from being 8th in a family of 9, and the lone boy in a trio with two other girls.

In high school, I thought that being beautiful meant being as skinny as possible. Funny, none of my other male counterpoints seemed to have this viewpoint but me, yet the belief prevailed all the same. It was a belief that at one point led me to drop 40 lbs during my Senior year. I don't know if I had a diagnosable eating disorder, but I do know I would fool myself into thinking I was full all of the time, as a way of avoiding eating too much food. When I learned about calorie counting during my CE Nutrition class, I remember taking that incentive to account for everything I ate. Going past the 500 calorie mark a day was a big no-no for me; it meant I was weak.  Even at every benchmark I reached for my 6'2  frame, 175, 160, 150, it was never enough. I needed more, I needed a sensation that none of my accomplishments could ever give me. And I shamed myself over and over for it. Shame for being too weak.

I carried that shame into my college years and on. Where calorie counting acted as my coping mechanism during my high school years, running became during my college experience. Marathon running was not only an excuse for me to keep healthy, it was an excuse for me to keep skinny. And from college on I've since learned to also incorporate working out into that mix of so often shame induced activity.

Don't get me wrong, I know that working out, running & even calorie counting can all be very good things that lead to greater health and happiness. And if you ever asked me, I would most likely tout off a list of benefits as justification. But deep down I knew that the reasons I would superficially list off were not the embedded motivation behind my actions. No, more often than not I was trying to fill a void that I believed apparent to who I was. And as I grow older, the more I see the voids I've created within my own security, the more damaging I see the effects are from such fissures.  Even when I've achieved "the look" I've wanted of six pack abs and an aesthetic appearance, I couldn't allow myself to really look at myself in the mirror and appreciate my physique. By all accounts, you could parooze my Instagram and see such photos. But even in the majority of such moments, I would only see how much less perfect I was than then the other guy and how much more other people were achieving. I gave the credit to these photos of people who flooded my social media and undermined my own efforts. I desperately wanted to feel otherwise, but so often that depression remained. It's sad really when I think about it, that I've never really allowed myself to appreciate my body and love myself outside of any external factors.

 I can see now how skewed I've often been in my thinking; what I wanted to feel the whole time wasn't a destination I needed to reach as a belief I needed to nurture within my own mode of thinking, free from any behavioral pattern. So this post really isn't so much a Come to Jesus, I've found the light sort of thing.  Looking back on my past years I duly note how hard it is to really see yourself the way you would like to be seen. It's a practice I need to grow and one that needs constant attention to be maintained.

I really do believe that a person who finds himself as sexy & beautiful is in reality so much more sexy & beautiful than the picture perfect GQ model who doubts they are (which I think many do). And the amazing thing about that thought for me is realizing that I am always only one thought a way from being the person I really want to be. It's all a matter of choosing that belief within myself.

So this year in 2018 I choose to make that a major practice of my life and I have hopes of what it can do for me. Even now since I've started, I find myself so much more comfortable admiring myself in the mirror. I've been able to allow myself to eat that slice of cake and not worry about the repercussions, or working it off in another cardio session to be ok.

I am good looking. I am sexy. I am all I need to be. No other opinion matters.

An Original Poem From Kent

A friend of mine graciously entrusted me in sharing this very intimate and personal poem of his, that he wrote concerning his coming out experience. I was very touched and moved by it as I found myself relating to a lot of what he said. With his permission, he's allowed me to share it. Thanks Kent! You are a marvelous friend and I look forward to our continuing friendship.

Acceptance, Trust, Vulnerability. It’s Ok to be open. My life experiences.

By: Kent R. Zeller

An original poem.

My soul is weak, my body is tired. As I look to the Savior, I realize How meek and Humble he is.

I feel empty. Tired, wounded of the battle at hand. Tempted of the loose land in front of me. Shaky, emotional, finding who I am. Acceptance of self, I have felt nothing like this.

For many years, 17 to be exact, I have felt alone, felt forsaken, lost, abandened. Is this how Christ felt? To not have friends to bear him up?

The love comes from above. For a while, I have questioned the love for me. Vulnerability opens the way for healing to take place. Fear closes the bay of acceptance from entering.

A choice here, a choice there. Choices all around. A choice before me. How can I make a commitment to one when I don’t feel won.

God hasn’t left me. I turned my back on him. That is the key.

Please help me dear Lord! My soul screams the goal. I want to feel loved, I want to feel accepted, I want more than from above!

I feel lost, I feel unseen. People want to meet me, develope a relationship which I am seeking. Tired, a few great friends around me. Acceptance I have felt. The battle within a little less intense.

I thought actions mean’t alot. Words mean more to me. This is how I’m lifted by encouraging words around me.

For many years I thought I was useless, worthless, stupid, and not loved. Compliments came my way, I took it as a lie.

Negative self talk took over my life. Like   book, someone else writing the words of my life. Feeling stuck in a rut, looking up to the birds in the sky. The sky is the limit, so why do I feel I have the potential of a minute?

Moving to Utah, the way was opened up. My life is changing for better, no more hiding, no more secrets, I am done saying nay to myself. Finding who I am. Realizing I am not lost. The cost is great to this point, rebellious i feel inside.

The way back to God is righteousness, the way Christ’s life was spent. Feeling tossed to the side. Trampled, torn, and twisted by my thoughts. The chaos inside, this is not free! The key, keeping the door locked inside.

Acceptance of me. Acceptance of God’s creation, which is part of the fee, will make me free!

I am safe! I can be open. No more hiding, no more lying! Acceptance, realization I am created the way God wanted me to be.

Feeling bitter inside. Then why have I felt so lost? Why did I feel you forsake me? Torn up inside, I love my family from a distance, but feel unaccepted close up.

I am acceptable as I am. God loves me most. I am safe to open the door with the right key.

Stop being locked up inside. This is not happiness. Allowing others to help accept me is only part of being free.

Acceptance comes from within. Accepting me for who I am. The other part is acceptance from God the other puzzle piece to the plan.

29.5 years it has taken me to learn this. I feel very behind in relationships for the plan. Is marriage what I want? No obligations to anyone. Only to myself, to my God who truly loves me from above.

Deep down inside I need to look to help others. Before I can do that, internal acceptance is required.

I am working on that. What is the plan for me? God created my body, my weaknesses he gave to me. From time to time I looked to my God. Great faith I had miracles I have witnessed.

How can I expect acceptance from God when I am just learning to accept myself? Miracles I've seen. Miracles and healing through the years. A dark room, my thoughts kept me down. Bound to never see myself as I should. The potential I have.

Great faith while in the dark room. The light slowly dwindling. Have I learned what I needed? My soul feels like it is night. Possibly the darkest & lightest part of my life.

The might of choice before me. A path is lighted in front of me. Happiness with my reach. Belonging is what I seek.

While in this pity & dark state. Are my emotional trials suppose to bring me closer to the Mark set up for me? Stop hating yourself Kent!You do have belonging, acceptance, and Love. Even if it is weak inside, rely upon others around & who see who I really am!

The curse of flesh, the natural man strong inside. Can I feel loved in this world to be free of my thoughts? Will i find belonging? Am I worthy of it? My vision is blurry, clearing the murky water of my life.

Will happiness find me? Which choice will I make? The pull of two choices before me are a cause of voices I’m not sure to follow.

Acceptance of my weakness, is the entrance of happiness. Admitting ot myself that I am of value, of worth, smart, & liked is important to me.

Emotional wounds healing! Acknowledging who I am. No more shame! No more guilt! for the battle has taken me down.

Appearance is huge & emotional wounds are just part. Allowing myself to think, not matter the resentment.

A struggle. I am gay. For many years I did not admit or believe I am. I am attracted to men. The other trial of my life.

Patience to make a choice. To be open and vulnerable about such a part of who I am. God wants me to stop hiding. He wants me to be who he created me to be.

Don’t fight this on your own! You have so much to offer. A valuable piece to the plan.

For so long I damned myself. Being rejected by my peers, feeling rejected by my family and finally rejecting myself.

Is this the mission of my first bit of life? Learning to love me for who I am? For the feelings i possess?

I didn't ask for these gay feelings. But I’m beginning to question how i treated myself for so long. No matter of my feelings, the vision of who I thought I was; I am learning to elevate over the depression, accepting who I am.

The progression of this, the neglected part of me. Remember Kent! You are of worth! You are of value, you are smart & I’m beginning to believe and love me.

People may hurt you. The lust of the world around. I want a relationship to feel that acceptance & love.

For first it must come from within. That is what God is trying to tell me.

This is not all lost. I am finally feeling free of my personal hell and damnation.

Turmoil, grief, & sorrow has taken my world! Thinking, and being taught, “Being gay is bad,” what about my feelings?

For now  today I may understand what Christ went through. I cut myself away from the feelings of God. This is my trial & I am beginning to be grateful. For I can understand and relate to the struggles of mankind.

To live the gay lifestyle or be faithful to my God. That is the choice laid before me. I am not alone! I have an angel by my side. Three more; Jessica, Jeremy, and Andrew.

My heart has been hurt, I am letting it go. For acceptance of me is part of the load.

Can Christ relate to me? Has he felt my pain? I believe he does, so help elevate my blame.

For I believe in the Atonement. I believe in happiness. Just always remember Kent, I was and is upon Christ’s mind for I do have a portion of his time.

Please don’t judge me Father. For I've had plenty of that. Help me accept me for who I am, for in doing I’ll be safe, and finally free.