A friend of mine graciously entrusted me in sharing this very intimate and personal poem of his, that he wrote concerning his coming out experience. I was very touched and moved by it as I found myself relating to a lot of what he said. With his permission, he's allowed me to share it. Thanks Kent! You are a marvelous friend and I look forward to our continuing friendship.
Acceptance, Trust, Vulnerability. It’s Ok to be open. My life experiences.
By: Kent R. Zeller
An original poem.
My soul is weak, my body is tired. As I look to the Savior, I realize How meek and Humble he is.
I feel empty. Tired, wounded of the battle at hand. Tempted of the loose land in front of me. Shaky, emotional, finding who I am. Acceptance of self, I have felt nothing like this.
For many years, 17 to be exact, I have felt alone, felt forsaken, lost, abandened. Is this how Christ felt? To not have friends to bear him up?
The love comes from above. For a while, I have questioned the love for me. Vulnerability opens the way for healing to take place. Fear closes the bay of acceptance from entering.
A choice here, a choice there. Choices all around. A choice before me. How can I make a commitment to one when I don’t feel won.
God hasn’t left me. I turned my back on him. That is the key.
Please help me dear Lord! My soul screams the goal. I want to feel loved, I want to feel accepted, I want more than from above!
I feel lost, I feel unseen. People want to meet me, develope a relationship which I am seeking. Tired, a few great friends around me. Acceptance I have felt. The battle within a little less intense.
I thought actions mean’t alot. Words mean more to me. This is how I’m lifted by encouraging words around me.
For many years I thought I was useless, worthless, stupid, and not loved. Compliments came my way, I took it as a lie.
Negative self talk took over my life. Like book, someone else writing the words of my life. Feeling stuck in a rut, looking up to the birds in the sky. The sky is the limit, so why do I feel I have the potential of a minute?
Moving to Utah, the way was opened up. My life is changing for better, no more hiding, no more secrets, I am done saying nay to myself. Finding who I am. Realizing I am not lost. The cost is great to this point, rebellious i feel inside.
The way back to God is righteousness, the way Christ’s life was spent. Feeling tossed to the side. Trampled, torn, and twisted by my thoughts. The chaos inside, this is not free! The key, keeping the door locked inside.
Acceptance of me. Acceptance of God’s creation, which is part of the fee, will make me free!
I am safe! I can be open. No more hiding, no more lying! Acceptance, realization I am created the way God wanted me to be.
Feeling bitter inside. Then why have I felt so lost? Why did I feel you forsake me? Torn up inside, I love my family from a distance, but feel unaccepted close up.
I am acceptable as I am. God loves me most. I am safe to open the door with the right key.
Stop being locked up inside. This is not happiness. Allowing others to help accept me is only part of being free.
Acceptance comes from within. Accepting me for who I am. The other part is acceptance from God the other puzzle piece to the plan.
29.5 years it has taken me to learn this. I feel very behind in relationships for the plan. Is marriage what I want? No obligations to anyone. Only to myself, to my God who truly loves me from above.
Deep down inside I need to look to help others. Before I can do that, internal acceptance is required.
I am working on that. What is the plan for me? God created my body, my weaknesses he gave to me. From time to time I looked to my God. Great faith I had miracles I have witnessed.
How can I expect acceptance from God when I am just learning to accept myself? Miracles I've seen. Miracles and healing through the years. A dark room, my thoughts kept me down. Bound to never see myself as I should. The potential I have.
Great faith while in the dark room. The light slowly dwindling. Have I learned what I needed? My soul feels like it is night. Possibly the darkest & lightest part of my life.
The might of choice before me. A path is lighted in front of me. Happiness with my reach. Belonging is what I seek.
While in this pity & dark state. Are my emotional trials suppose to bring me closer to the Mark set up for me? Stop hating yourself Kent!You do have belonging, acceptance, and Love. Even if it is weak inside, rely upon others around & who see who I really am!
The curse of flesh, the natural man strong inside. Can I feel loved in this world to be free of my thoughts? Will i find belonging? Am I worthy of it? My vision is blurry, clearing the murky water of my life.
Will happiness find me? Which choice will I make? The pull of two choices before me are a cause of voices I’m not sure to follow.
Acceptance of my weakness, is the entrance of happiness. Admitting ot myself that I am of value, of worth, smart, & liked is important to me.
Emotional wounds healing! Acknowledging who I am. No more shame! No more guilt! for the battle has taken me down.
Appearance is huge & emotional wounds are just part. Allowing myself to think, not matter the resentment.
A struggle. I am gay. For many years I did not admit or believe I am. I am attracted to men. The other trial of my life.
Patience to make a choice. To be open and vulnerable about such a part of who I am. God wants me to stop hiding. He wants me to be who he created me to be.
Don’t fight this on your own! You have so much to offer. A valuable piece to the plan.
For so long I damned myself. Being rejected by my peers, feeling rejected by my family and finally rejecting myself.
Is this the mission of my first bit of life? Learning to love me for who I am? For the feelings i possess?
I didn't ask for these gay feelings. But I’m beginning to question how i treated myself for so long. No matter of my feelings, the vision of who I thought I was; I am learning to elevate over the depression, accepting who I am.
The progression of this, the neglected part of me. Remember Kent! You are of worth! You are of value, you are smart & I’m beginning to believe and love me.
People may hurt you. The lust of the world around. I want a relationship to feel that acceptance & love.
For first it must come from within. That is what God is trying to tell me.
This is not all lost. I am finally feeling free of my personal hell and damnation.
Turmoil, grief, & sorrow has taken my world! Thinking, and being taught, “Being gay is bad,” what about my feelings?
For now today I may understand what Christ went through. I cut myself away from the feelings of God. This is my trial & I am beginning to be grateful. For I can understand and relate to the struggles of mankind.
To live the gay lifestyle or be faithful to my God. That is the choice laid before me. I am not alone! I have an angel by my side. Three more; Jessica, Jeremy, and Andrew.
My heart has been hurt, I am letting it go. For acceptance of me is part of the load.
Can Christ relate to me? Has he felt my pain? I believe he does, so help elevate my blame.
For I believe in the Atonement. I believe in happiness. Just always remember Kent, I was and is upon Christ’s mind for I do have a portion of his time.
Please don’t judge me Father. For I've had plenty of that. Help me accept me for who I am, for in doing I’ll be safe, and finally free.