Talking With the Dead

I was scrolling through my phone yesterday, while on one of my daily walks I take. It's a ritual of mine I've had for years.  I set aside time in the morning and afternoon to get outside, stretch my legs and clear out my thoughts. This time has come to be invaluable for my self-esteem and overall well-being. Yesterday I happened to find myself in my contacts list on my phone, which I rarely ever find myself in. While I was in there I noticed the myriad of numbers of people whom I no longer had contact with, many for several years.

In the spirit of clean up and declutter, I decided to sift through all the numbers. The idea was daunting at best; I had 1,000's of numbers saved (that's not an exaggeration). I didn't even know where I would start or if I could finish while staying sane. But it also felt like the right thing to do. Lately, I've been going through my closets, both emotional and physical, and getting rid of what I don't need. It seems like a necessary thing to do regularly to maintain any sense of balance.

So here I am, sweating profusely in the 95° weather as oncoming traffic watches, scrolling through my contacts list, deleting numbers left and right. The person whom I asked out as a nervous return missionary from the yogurt shop. Gone. The parent of a child who I supervised while performing humanitarian work in the Dominican Republic. Deleted. That person I home taught while going to school at BYU. Sianara. I honestly think I only ever saw her once anyways.

I was on a high, saying goodbye to all these numbers of people who no longer served a purpose for my life. Like the way Leslie Knope comically described eating a brownie she thought was loaded with pot (see Parks & Rec Season 2, Episode 2). It just felt good. Really really good.

Then I came to another number I hadn't seen for years. But this one was different than the rest. This number I hesitated to delete. This number was my Dad's:

I was speechless. I still am, really.

Here it was. My Dad. Not even that but it was my dad's number with his face right with it. Like he was still here. Like he never left. The number he used to call me from, always in a hurry. Anyone who knows my Dad knows that if there was ever a word to describe him, it was: Efficient. He did not like wasting your time or his. I don't think I ever had more than a 30-second phone call with him on the phone. He was so "efficient" that when the time came to hang up the phone, he would never even say "goodbye". He'd just hang up.

It's been 2 1/2 years since my Dad's passing. And seeing his number again for the first time in years, it brought me back. And a big part of me in that moment wished I could go back. Even if just for a moment. To be able to call that number and hear my Dad answer on the other line. Even if it was just to say "Hello Bryan, How are you", in his very strong but sincere tone. A moment ago I was riding a high and racing through life, and now, I felt humbled. Bewildered really. Was it respectful of me to delete my Dad's number and move on, or was it better to keep his number there for safe keeping? Just have it there, because what harm would it do?

I know my Dad loved me.

No one more than myself needs to remind me of the issues my Dad and I both had, up until he died. Issues that felt defeating and otherwise insurmountable. Issues that nearly cost me taking my life.

But he loved me. And acknowledging where I am now, from where I was while he was alive. I feel closer to him now than I did then. I can actually think of him or "talk" to him and not be afraid by that. And as crazy as that sounds, I'm really glad. I'm really glad for my own sense, that I can now benefit from my Dad's influence, rather than feel hindered by it.

I miss you Dad. You were a remarkable man who loved greatly. And my life is all the better because of it.

So for now, I've decided to delete his number from my phone. I can't call it again and ever hear his voice on the other end. I won't ever have another phone call where my Dad reminds me to get home and clean my boxes in the basement. I won't ever see him physically again and look at me with pride, like he used to, knowing that he didn't have to say anything. He saw how precious and worthy I was of his affection.

But in my own metaphysical world, I've been able to find other ways to connect and talk with him.

And that's making all the difference for me.

Faith Reconciliation Take 2

I know it’s been awhile since I've written a post. I apologize.  I for one struggle with the idea that I have anything to say worth sharing. Moreover I typically prefer the learner label. I think it stems from my worry of aggrandizing myself to being something I’m not. I don’t consider myself any more special than any other person out there. I guess I see my worth more in learning and doing than I do in doing and sharing, something I'm trying to work on.  With that said I DO want my voice to be heard.

The past few weeks have been really tough. I don’t think I can say that enough. The toughest I can here to for recall in fact.

Most of my Facebook friends will have seen that my father passed a few weeks ago. While we knew he was sick and didn't have a lot of time left, it was still a shock that took us by surprise. I for one was in complete denial he was sick at all. He had just written me an email to come over the day before, asking me to pick some things up from home (an opportunity I missed because I was “too busy” that day…). My dad was the strong, healthy figure my whole life, I thought for sure he would be the exception to the rule. It's weird losing him, the whole thing is in fact. I can't think of any other way to describe it. With this said, my Dad was able to document his last few months in a blog regarding the illness he was dealing with; I think all of you would be benefited by reading from it here:

http://battlingamylodosis.blogspot.com/

Losing someone close to you  is an experience unlike any other.  It's uncanny. It’s not just a feeling of sadness and loss, it’s all the feelings, constantly, over and over, spiraling in and out of each other, or sometimes all together. And for me at least, there is nothing I can do to control it. One moment I can be completely fine, and the next I can barely move I’m so emotionally incapacitated. And there is no antidote; there are distractions, but no real cure. Sometimes I wonder even how real my feelings are, like I should be feeling a certain way all the time but I'm not, so I feel heartless.

But you keep going, you keep breathing and simply put you keep being.  You don’t really have a choice on that matter. That’s the cruel part of this whole experience: Knowing you are still here and they aren't (I'm talking in the physical sense). What I want from this, what I crave more than anything (aside from having my Dad back), is to have peace with it all.  Real, heaven sent, long lasting peace.

I labeled this entry faith reconciliation because that’s what my father’s death has caused me to do: re assess my beliefs, and what is and is not working. I didn't again really have any choice in the matter, death forces that on anyone who tries to walk with him. 

Forgive me here in attempting to convey my thoughts, I’m trying to find the best words here, so pardon me if it doesn't come across well. In fact, I don't think anything has stressed me out so much as trying to get this across. I've come back to this post several times to then shove it aside because it felt bordering on the point of disrespectful; doing it so soon, publicly, or at all. That's how it feels. So I'm shaky here, but I've also received that uncomfortable inspiration to write about it.

In experiencing the moments surrounding my Dad’s death and funeral, I've come to feel in a very real sense the deep, enormous sore of beliefs that once were there, but aren't anymore.

Surrounding much of the funeral, I was privy to several moments with family and friends of reminiscing about my dad and hypothesizing his now post death life.  A lot of the discussion centered on him being free of sickness now, rejoicing with his ancestors, including his previously passed sister and mother. Other discussions revolved on him being with us in spirit now, helping us on the ‘other side of the veil’, as us Latter-Day Saints put it. And much of the peace found for my family and friends was in knowing we’d see him again. They were and are extremely beautiful sentiments. I can't express that enough. I understand why they’re said and where they come from. We also sang hymns, prayed and talked of and rejoiced in Christ. I think of it as a very beautiful thing and I saw the very real comfort that these actions and thoughts brought. What I want understood here is that I want to feel that same comfort. I want that peace and reassurance, but I don't have it. And it's not because I'm not trying or am not willing. And now, more than ever, I miss that.

I can't begin to describe the emotional turmoil this has put me in. And I know from experience many people may look at me and say "This is because you are weak, you don't have enough faith, or you're sinning and thus can't feel the spirit". And those may be true. I'm open to that. They sting, but perhaps necessarily so. I'm open to that if it brings me better fulfillment. What I have felt and done so is because my own personal integrity barricades me from accepting those faith filled sentiments wholeheartedly. I don't know how to believe them with the doubts and uncertainties I have. But I want to, don't get me wrong, I'm trying to find the way. I feel like I'm on the playground watching the cool kids play, but I'm the awkward kid in the corner everyone else would rather avoid. So for the time being,my hesitancy creates this well of hurt. Every time I hear something someone else takes great comfort in, and I knowingly in good conscience can't, it stings. It's like touching a bruise I had when I was a kid; there's this fascination with the pain and near pleasure, but it still hurts you each time you do it. It's still there.

So I've been in an emotional bind. On the one hand I want to believe I will see my Dad again, that we will be together and things will be alright. But then on this same hand I can't knowingly accept these things wholeheartedly while at the same time living my life, in partnership with a man. It just doesn't feel right to me to do so. So then on the other hand I'm left to either make believe my own beliefs regarding God and the afterlife that fit my lifestyle, or to then deny any of them at all. And those both  feel so naive, ignorant and cemented. So it leaves me stranded. And it seems like there's nothing I can really do about it. I know people will try and tell me differently, everyone is entitled to their own opinions, however for myself, I just haven't been able to despite my efforts.

I wish I could say I'm 100% all the time. The truth is I'm spinning back and forth constantly to figure it out, And I honestly think for me, that's how it needs to be. I don't want to ever be so sure of myself so as to neglect change or truth. It sucks though, being in this spot. It's so easy to get swallowed underneath it all. And it's taxing. I'm tired of it. Very tired.

I want to believe in God. I want to have assurance of life after death. I want peace and assurance in the choices I make in this life. Most of all I want fulfillment. I guess when it comes to seeing God as a possibility or not, I'll choose God. If believing in God despite my doubts brings me happiness I couldn't have otherwise, I choose Him. I'm not sure what to make of that, but I'll choose Him.

For now, I'll keep pushing my handcart to the wheel. I'm not sure where I'm going, I'm not sure what I'll do, but I do know it will include loving as much as I can, and doing my best with everything I'm given. It's a hard road to be on, one fraught with a lot of loss, pain and sacrifice. I know a lot people I know won't see it as such, if to see it at all even, but it is for me.

My brother Nathan told me once in the car after the funeral proceedings that in the end it's about following the Savior and no one else. Nothing else matters, He's the only one who can save. I found that extremely insightful. And I'm still trying to capture the depth of that.

 I'm here. I want my life to mean something.  I want to inspire, I want to encourage and I want to bring understanding to this world. So if anything else, please just know that.

An Original Poem From Kent

A friend of mine graciously entrusted me in sharing this very intimate and personal poem of his, that he wrote concerning his coming out experience. I was very touched and moved by it as I found myself relating to a lot of what he said. With his permission, he's allowed me to share it. Thanks Kent! You are a marvelous friend and I look forward to our continuing friendship.

Acceptance, Trust, Vulnerability. It’s Ok to be open. My life experiences.

By: Kent R. Zeller

An original poem.

My soul is weak, my body is tired. As I look to the Savior, I realize How meek and Humble he is.

I feel empty. Tired, wounded of the battle at hand. Tempted of the loose land in front of me. Shaky, emotional, finding who I am. Acceptance of self, I have felt nothing like this.

For many years, 17 to be exact, I have felt alone, felt forsaken, lost, abandened. Is this how Christ felt? To not have friends to bear him up?

The love comes from above. For a while, I have questioned the love for me. Vulnerability opens the way for healing to take place. Fear closes the bay of acceptance from entering.

A choice here, a choice there. Choices all around. A choice before me. How can I make a commitment to one when I don’t feel won.

God hasn’t left me. I turned my back on him. That is the key.

Please help me dear Lord! My soul screams the goal. I want to feel loved, I want to feel accepted, I want more than from above!

I feel lost, I feel unseen. People want to meet me, develope a relationship which I am seeking. Tired, a few great friends around me. Acceptance I have felt. The battle within a little less intense.

I thought actions mean’t alot. Words mean more to me. This is how I’m lifted by encouraging words around me.

For many years I thought I was useless, worthless, stupid, and not loved. Compliments came my way, I took it as a lie.

Negative self talk took over my life. Like   book, someone else writing the words of my life. Feeling stuck in a rut, looking up to the birds in the sky. The sky is the limit, so why do I feel I have the potential of a minute?

Moving to Utah, the way was opened up. My life is changing for better, no more hiding, no more secrets, I am done saying nay to myself. Finding who I am. Realizing I am not lost. The cost is great to this point, rebellious i feel inside.

The way back to God is righteousness, the way Christ’s life was spent. Feeling tossed to the side. Trampled, torn, and twisted by my thoughts. The chaos inside, this is not free! The key, keeping the door locked inside.

Acceptance of me. Acceptance of God’s creation, which is part of the fee, will make me free!

I am safe! I can be open. No more hiding, no more lying! Acceptance, realization I am created the way God wanted me to be.

Feeling bitter inside. Then why have I felt so lost? Why did I feel you forsake me? Torn up inside, I love my family from a distance, but feel unaccepted close up.

I am acceptable as I am. God loves me most. I am safe to open the door with the right key.

Stop being locked up inside. This is not happiness. Allowing others to help accept me is only part of being free.

Acceptance comes from within. Accepting me for who I am. The other part is acceptance from God the other puzzle piece to the plan.

29.5 years it has taken me to learn this. I feel very behind in relationships for the plan. Is marriage what I want? No obligations to anyone. Only to myself, to my God who truly loves me from above.

Deep down inside I need to look to help others. Before I can do that, internal acceptance is required.

I am working on that. What is the plan for me? God created my body, my weaknesses he gave to me. From time to time I looked to my God. Great faith I had miracles I have witnessed.

How can I expect acceptance from God when I am just learning to accept myself? Miracles I've seen. Miracles and healing through the years. A dark room, my thoughts kept me down. Bound to never see myself as I should. The potential I have.

Great faith while in the dark room. The light slowly dwindling. Have I learned what I needed? My soul feels like it is night. Possibly the darkest & lightest part of my life.

The might of choice before me. A path is lighted in front of me. Happiness with my reach. Belonging is what I seek.

While in this pity & dark state. Are my emotional trials suppose to bring me closer to the Mark set up for me? Stop hating yourself Kent!You do have belonging, acceptance, and Love. Even if it is weak inside, rely upon others around & who see who I really am!

The curse of flesh, the natural man strong inside. Can I feel loved in this world to be free of my thoughts? Will i find belonging? Am I worthy of it? My vision is blurry, clearing the murky water of my life.

Will happiness find me? Which choice will I make? The pull of two choices before me are a cause of voices I’m not sure to follow.

Acceptance of my weakness, is the entrance of happiness. Admitting ot myself that I am of value, of worth, smart, & liked is important to me.

Emotional wounds healing! Acknowledging who I am. No more shame! No more guilt! for the battle has taken me down.

Appearance is huge & emotional wounds are just part. Allowing myself to think, not matter the resentment.

A struggle. I am gay. For many years I did not admit or believe I am. I am attracted to men. The other trial of my life.

Patience to make a choice. To be open and vulnerable about such a part of who I am. God wants me to stop hiding. He wants me to be who he created me to be.

Don’t fight this on your own! You have so much to offer. A valuable piece to the plan.

For so long I damned myself. Being rejected by my peers, feeling rejected by my family and finally rejecting myself.

Is this the mission of my first bit of life? Learning to love me for who I am? For the feelings i possess?

I didn't ask for these gay feelings. But I’m beginning to question how i treated myself for so long. No matter of my feelings, the vision of who I thought I was; I am learning to elevate over the depression, accepting who I am.

The progression of this, the neglected part of me. Remember Kent! You are of worth! You are of value, you are smart & I’m beginning to believe and love me.

People may hurt you. The lust of the world around. I want a relationship to feel that acceptance & love.

For first it must come from within. That is what God is trying to tell me.

This is not all lost. I am finally feeling free of my personal hell and damnation.

Turmoil, grief, & sorrow has taken my world! Thinking, and being taught, “Being gay is bad,” what about my feelings?

For now  today I may understand what Christ went through. I cut myself away from the feelings of God. This is my trial & I am beginning to be grateful. For I can understand and relate to the struggles of mankind.

To live the gay lifestyle or be faithful to my God. That is the choice laid before me. I am not alone! I have an angel by my side. Three more; Jessica, Jeremy, and Andrew.

My heart has been hurt, I am letting it go. For acceptance of me is part of the load.

Can Christ relate to me? Has he felt my pain? I believe he does, so help elevate my blame.

For I believe in the Atonement. I believe in happiness. Just always remember Kent, I was and is upon Christ’s mind for I do have a portion of his time.

Please don’t judge me Father. For I've had plenty of that. Help me accept me for who I am, for in doing I’ll be safe, and finally free.

My Journey to Self Acceptance

This post will be extremely uncomfortable I forewarn you, if not for you than for me. I’m going to paint you a picture- the most graphically emotional picture my nearly 26 years of life experience can muster. The people in this picture love me and I love them. They have imperfections as do I. Rather than what’s typical for me and for others, at least in a public sense, to focus on the good and ignore the bad, I’m going to paint the dark colors to my life painting. I've lived a beautiful life- a perfectly imperfect, human life.

 I do not paint this in the hopes for pity or to show how terrible my life has been, I do this simply for the desire to let others know they’re not alone.  I think about my life and I wish in my teenage years, as I continue to wish now, that I had people who were completely real to me about the good and the bad, and yet were still confident in their character. That’s what I need as I believe people need. I need to know as I believe others do that we don’t have to buy into anyone’s facade of “happiness in perfection”. That we can be happy and completely accepting of our whole selves.

My  coming out video was the hardest thing for me up until this point in my life, but I believe this is even harder as I intend to go into the details of how I've gotten here. No one has really ever done that for me. I've never really shared a lot of what I intend to. This is my 100% authentic story:

I was born with a sensitive spirit. I've been told that my whole life, I've seen it for myself as I've noticed the keenness I have towards the presence of those around me, than I felt my peers had. I innately see people’s needs, wants and desires. I've always had the tenacity to tailor myself according to those needs. To give an example, I remember ever since I was young child that while I would pee, I would use the side of the toilet, and not actually go in the water, to avoid the sound of peeing and thus an uncomfortable feeling for those who were around me.  I've always wanted to make people as comfortable as possible. I guess that trait has been what’s fostered my love to clean, cook,  and do other domestic things that I felt would be of need in my household.

In that I also come from a very big family, the 8^th of 9 kids to be exact. So I was always on the younger end, and add to that fact the inevitable truth that with such a large family, attention to each child has to be spread more thin. My parents did the best with what they had.

Because of my sensitive nature and need for approval from my family and peers, I had a very insecure childhood. I don’t blame my siblings for some of the things they said or did to me, as I was indeed very different than the norm, even in my family. I was never into manly things, such as sports, athleticism, etc as they were so adept in. Because I was different, burned forever into my mind are the names I’d be called such as “Fairy”, “Or Don Gay”. Or just simply “gay”. They were hurtful terms from people I wanted to feel respected by.  In fact I remember one song vividly where they would sing together over and over at the end of the song “From the bottom of Don Gay”. Because of such terms and my own insecurities, I kept to myself mostly, and had little to no friends. The friends I did have in elementary school and on to junior high saw my insecurity for friendship and to their imperfect advantage preyed on it. I would be the blunt of jokes; it never helped that I was Mormon in a non-Mormon community. I was the one they’d tell to go go do awful pranks (such as saying cruel things to random people or doing otherwise cruel things) and I would do it: I wanted their approval. I remember vividly one night when two of my friends told me we’d be watching a pg movie, after I told them I didn't watch rated R (because of my religion) and they expressed they wanted to. When I came back into the room to watch the movie, what came next was being tied down to the chair, as my eyes were then forced open to watch a pornographic moment of a rated R movie. I was horrified. And my self-esteem had found a new low.

When my family moved to Utah my parents have expressed since to me their worry for my ability to make friends, and because of such, had bought our families first dog. And to their credit that was my worry and fear too: that I would never have real friends. It wasn't until high school that I began to gain any sense of confidence in myself: when girls started to notice me and express their interest. I was taken back by this every time, that anyone could like me. Me the person who was so different and not anything like what the popular kids were like In a indirectly spoken sense I would flaunt my “romantic ability” to my triplet sisters. I wanted their approval of me too- but it was for them to acknowledge how superior I was, I desired to feel like I was better than everyone else.

It was around the age of 14 when I had the first curiosities and inclinations towards my sexual orientation. It started off as a curious wonder when I watched the sex ed video in 6^th grade, and while watching the video realized my penis was different than the one shown (you see, I’m uncircumcised). I was never told about this and was always too afraid to ask.  So I remember the first time I researched online to see if there were others like me, because I felt so lonely in the way I was. It was from that innocent first moment that I had by accident had my first encounter with gay porn and subsequently masturbation. Those encounters came and went throughout my high school and first year of college, as I would go periods with and without it. But it was the beginning fuel to what came to be an intense disdain and hatred for myself, a hatred that I would go to all costs to keep hidden. I couldn't talk about it, as any public discourse on the subject was on how evil it was. I didn't want people to think I was evil as I had desired so very hard to be good. But it was there, secretly, and was something I tried my best to ignore. There was one moment when my triplet sister caught me in the act of watching porn, that has perhaps fueled the most embarrassment and hatred for myself then I've ever known since. I cried and begged her to leave the room to her confused credit. I still shutter thinking upon that 15 year old boy.

So it was this conundrum I dealt with, writing a few times in my journal about the fear that I might be gay, or depicting out my own homosexual fantasies. There was one time when the next door neighbors I was friends with happened to be reading one of these entries, when I became super embarrassed, ripped the pages and stormed off crying. It was one charitable woman, I have no shame in mentioning, Trina Smith, who then took me in her arms, hugged me, and shared the book “You are Special” for the first time and then told me I was special. That moment meant the world to me.

But oh how I hated myself so. And because of such hatred acted out irrationally, including one time wrecking one of my parents car while I went “joy riding”. They were so worried about me at that point. My whole family was. I was so embarrassed. One name I was called at that moment, which was “Jekyll and Hyde”, stuck with me with such great shame, and has been stuck ever since with self disgust.  You see, my family has come a long way from where they’re from. We are much more openly affectionate (Ie hugs and verbally saying “I love you”) now then it was back then. Those type of formalities did not exist- and I don’t blame my parents. All you have to do is look at their family history they come from and not help but feel proud for how much they've improved on. But a 15 year old me was not about to step into my families shoes. I hated myself. I remember I used to cut myself, and how I showed it off proudly to one friend (as I would make up other dramatic untrue stories about myself) just so she would feel sorry for me. I wanted someone to feel sorry for me.

Growing up in the large family I did, I also experienced the pressure of being compared to my older siblings. They are wonderful, accomplished people. Particularly I was often compared (or I would compare myself) to my two oldest brothers, I felt I was constantly told to be like them and that they had everything together.  Many of my teenage journal entries almost come off as worship to them, saying things like “if I was half the man they were” or “I’ll never be as good as they are” type of sentiments. I couldn't see them as anything but perfect and myself as anything but evil, wanting to be good.

I guess another indication of my sensitivity and need to be accepted was regarding my weight. I was the guy who in nutrition class, admired the times we’d speak about “anorexic” people, because they had the capability to starve themselves to look better. Oh how I wanted to look thin. I am naturally larger built as a Clark and I hated that.  In my senior year of high school it was of such personal pressure that I dropped 40 lbs and got my skinniest. My mom could see something was up, and would express her worry about me being anorexic, but there was never a time to talk openly about it. If I was open about that I had to be open about everything else, and it was just not something we did in my family or I could do for myself.  That desire to be the perfect body continues to thrive on in my mind, albeit now I feel I've got a healthy grip on it

But I did gain some confidence and I gained more of that when I went on my mission for the Church. My homosexual feelings there seemed to thankfully be put on the back burner the whole time. At the beginning of the mission they did play a poignant part, where I had almost went home. Being completely by myself, away from all I knew, not understanding anything that was going on around me or having the commodities I once had known, was hard. And thinking that I would have to do it for 2 years felt like a nightmare. I got a tension headache that was constantly there that lasted for 2 months. At one point I panicked so much about it all that I had a “panic attack” during sacrament meeting and was immediately shipped to the mission capital. I had scans done, saw a doctor and a psychiatrist. Even then I did not have the trust in anyone to answer truthfully to the questions of whether I was gay or if I had any desire or thought to commit suicide. I did. But I held off, and I was blessed by the hand of God with the most charitable mission companion and president. Those two, Elder Hansen and Presidente Peterson are still some of my most favored people, who have forever changed my life for the better. So it seemed to go away and while I was very selfish in my mission, I worked hard, gained more self-confidence and became better.  

So I came home from my mission, a true changed man I felt, but still with the ignored fear in the background that everything I had done for good wasn't enough, because of the gay desires I’d felt.  I always thought it would be something to “go away” that God would forgive me of in the next life. I never saw myself addressing it at all in this life, only that it went away upon me getting married. I had lied in all my previous church interviews concerning my shortcomings, again because I couldn't fathom the thought of anyone associating me with being gay.  But oh how the guilt weighed on me, and only grew over time.

I’ve chronicled before how I desperately tried to pursue a romantic relationship with a woman.  It never seemed to work for me. I wanted the “perfect” woman as I thought outwardly that I was the “perfect” man. Or I guess I thought in finding the “perfect” woman it would somehow also make me what I wanted to be. But to my fortune nothing ever came to be. I did everything I possibly could to be the perfect person I wanted to be, which never was ever good enough for me.

It was November 2012 when at the prospect of graduating BYU next semester still single, weighed so on me. I was that “perfect boy” in so many people’s eyes, all of whom couldn't understand how I could not be married yet. But I knew. I could not nearly contain the hatred and shame I had held for myself all my life.

 It was a solemn winter. I was stuck in my apartment at BYU during the winter break, alone, when things reached the worst point for me. After viewing some sexual material I then made the jerk reaction to post a craigslist ad and I set up to meet a guy in the park late at night to do things with him. I went to that park, and circled it several times, but never stopped (as I saw the guys car parked there). I went home- but how close I had gotten to do something weighed so shamefully on my mind. It was then I made the decision to kill myself. There was no way I could live with myself.

 I watched “Prayers for Bobby” which had me bawling. I had heard a similar phrase of “I never wanted a gay son” several times in my mind. I then began to research all the gay suicides I could find, and gathered up enough emotional evidence to feel I had been a victim my whole life and a complete tragedy. I took a belt to my bedroom cloak closet and then in one instant, stuck my head into it. I was there for a good 30 seconds, on the urge of passing out, when I took myself out. I couldn't do it. I was too afraid. Afraid that life actually had something better for me than what I felt at that moment. That tiny shred of belief has to this point kept me from the several attempts, some more or less dramatic, at killing myself. But I tell ya many times that that desire is still very real. It’s a dangerous mindset to get in to think about killing yourself. I find that any small thing that goes wrong for me almost instantly begins to fuel that desire again to end my life. Such is one of my thorns in the flesh.

But I lived on, thankfully. I had one particular roommate who was a particular savior to me. But my hatred was still there. I had lived, but I needed to then do something about it. So I came out to two of my sisters, under the understanding that I was doing everything I could to follow the Church, to soften the blow. It was also this moment I started to date guys. My hatred went on in other forms. I spent countless hours just telling myself how much I hated myself; I would go in the shower and just cry for time on end. Anytime I would go out with a boy, or even think about doing something with one, I would pound my head into the wall until it bruised, telling myself over and over how disgusting I was. It was then I also took more to cutting, keeping mainly to my arms. I would do anything I could to abuse myself, for I felt there was no way a person like me, who had been living such a double life, could live with any sense of worth.

And the self-abuse raged on. It found it’s form in dating multiple men at the same time, lying, and letting others take advantage of me (such as sex) that were not particularly my will, but I was so dead inside I didn't care anymore. I was already going to hell. It's a frightening feeling, to feel empty, broken, hopeless. 

School became less and less important. I hardly attended class at all, even up to my last year. I would sleep in, crawl in a ball in my bedroom and just cry. I’d get to work late(which caused more problems), stay up late cramming last minute for tests, and I was sick, tired, and hollow. A completely broken, hollow man. I saw no hope. Suicide was always on my mind and the thought of spending one more day of life always felt more than I could bear. That picture I had gained of the perfect person, the one that was meant to go all the way to the top ( I legitimately saw myself as an apostle of the Church, or wanted to believe I’d be), with the perfect kids, job and wife, was gone. And would never come back.

Then to make the story shorter Derek came into my life, at just the right time. And as noted by the journal entries I've previously shared, was a struggle to commit to. To love. To have around at all. And yet he was patient enough to persevere, and I believe God kept giving me the strength to keep putting one step in front of the other in the dark.

It’s been the biggest miracle of my life to come out to my family and friends. I've noticed how it’s made those around me more loving towards me, accepting of others, and also accepting of themselves. I’m so glad to have made those hard decisions to do it- I don’t want to picture life in any other way.

It’s been in my vulnerable decisions to open up to others, particularly regarding this thing concerning my sexuality that I always hated, that has given me the self-confidence I always wanted. And the ability to love myself for me. All of me. And to do things not to please others, but to please myself. I feel happy, inside and out- and it's the most wonderful feeling alive to experience.

There has been so much good to my life, which I hope to also mention in future posts on my blog. But that is not the only side to my life. This side shown here is just as real as all else now, and will be part of my life story.

Again I wish to emphasize and express gratitude for where I’m at now, which is in a good place. I am so thankful, for enduring, for trying to be better, and for being gay, which has allowed me to grow in a capacity I could have never done without it. This is a 24/7 battle that is mine to face and I know there is much heartache and despair in my future as much as there is joy, as perfection and imperfection. And I commit to do my best to embrace it all as I've attempted to do in this blog post.

I believe in love, I believe I can make a difference,  I believe I am worthy of love.

And that’s my story. For now.

Reconciling My Faith

A mission friend of mine recently asked me if I had written a post yet on my reconciliation of faith as he'd be interested to read it. I thought it would be a great idea, especially for me, to know where I currently stand and what I desire. So while the task of understanding and reconciling my faith feels nearly out of my grasp (if this is any indication of how this post will go), I'll do my best to give it a go. This post is not meant as an offense towards anyone as it is meant to be a complete reflection on my end of my imperfect, but beautiful world.

Here I go:

I have found that when it comes to my faith and reconciling such, that the most peaceful and beneficial matter for me has been to separate my faith in the Mormon Church, as the Church has been and now is, from my faith in God, or the creator/divinity of this world. And I know how complicated and hard this separation between the two can be; I'm still working on it every day. After all, faith is a journey we take every day through our thoughts and actions; it never stops. 

And more than seeing my life through the lens of faith, I find it most effective to see it through the lens of love, which I believe to be the greatest of all. 

Anywhere I find love I hope to be there and embody.

So.

For a full understanding as to where I am now and where I hope to be, I find it necessary to give a little bit of background to my life; for those personal/familial acquaintances of mine this touches base with, I hope to do so in the best light and with utmost respect.

Growing up, I was handed to me a beautiful legacy of faith. I was born into a typical Mormon family: lots of kids, Sunday church goers, tithe payers, loving, compassionate and immensely spiritual. Memories of my Dad turning on "Sabbath appropriate" music on Saturday night's will forever be burned into my mind, as us kids would put our shoes and clothes out for the next day.

 On my dad's side, our family membership in the Mormon Church dates back to the beginning years with Joseph Smith. It is a strong, proud and respectable heritage line, and I feel very humbled and proud to be a part of it. I also feel proud to come from my mother's line, which started with her as a convert to the Church. I should also mention that I am the 8th of a family of 9 kids, well my triplet sisters and I are 6,7 & 8, but among my siblings, I've always had older siblings to look up to when it came to church membership and what kind of person to be. All these people and examples I have to follow have made sacrifices and laid down legacies of faithful living, and it's marvelous to me.

I myself was baptized a member of the Church at 8 years old, typical story for a child who's family are all members. I remember my baptism being a happy one: Sister Degenshein, an older woman in our little church ward had made my sisters, her granddaughter Becky (who was baptized with us) and I all cakes to celebrate. I remember feeling awkward wearing this one piece white suit that was so unfashionable (I was still gay back then), but then happy about what I was doing. I didn't know much then, if anything at all, more just repetitious faith filled statements I was told to say about God, or Joseph Smith and the Church.  I was only 8 after all.

Moving forward a little, the Church standards were something that we tried to live in our home every day, and something I wanted to live because of it. I attended Seminary in high school, I read my scriptures, albeit as a teenager I mainly skimmed through most of it and clung to the scriptures that had some simple and inspiring meaning to them. I went to church every week, and despite some of the social pressure I felt because I didn’t really relate to a lot of the other boys my age, I was happy. Well relatively happy, despite the self hatred I had for myself.

I attended college at BYU (I recently just finished). It was never a question in my mind of where to go to school: God’s school was BYU, and if I wanted to find a woman to marry and make anything of my life (despite how messed up I know this thinking is now), I had to go to BYU. So that’s all I applied to. 

My first year at BYU was wonderful. I had other siblings there to support me (my triplet sisters started with me- you can find an article online here that the Deseret News did of us, my dad felt like we were hot stuff: http://www.deseretnews.com/article/640187420/Family-has-freshmen-set-for-BYU--1-2-3.html?pg=all). I also had more peers my age who were also members of the Church, and all wonderful people who sought to follow the Church’s standards and be decent, kind human beings. I loved how the Church made me feel and what it was doing to make me a better person.

So I went on a mission for the Church. I was called to Uruguay in South America, Spanish speaking. It actually was the same mission my Dad served in years before; I won’t say how much in fear of punishment. And my mission, well. I could write books on my mission. How to boil it down. I loved my mission. And I gave my whole heart to the people I was in contact with every day. I gave my whole heart to the Church, to teaching, to working hard and to developing my relationship with God. I was quite the imperfect missionary and I had many faults that could be pointed out, but I did all I could to be the best missionary I could be. And I loved the Church even more for that, because of how it was making me work towards something greater. I saw lives change, I felt things I’d never felt before, and I met people I hope never  leave my life. I can’t think about my mission or anyone from it without getting choked up and without tears coming to my eyes. It changed my life forever. And I’m eternally indebted for that.

So I came back from my 2 year mission to BYU, to then spend the next years of my life at BYU, fully invested in faithful living, as the Church had outlined it. I wanted a temple marriage to a woman, so I dated. And dated. And dated. Perhaps the biggest frustration of my life because there were so many amazing woman that I had potential to marry, and yet, I could not bring myself inside to do it. Something always kept holding me back from getting too close, from committing too much. But I still tried. I always thought it just meant it was another girl. I felt so sure of a couple girls at the time, that for one reason or another, never worked out (the ones who I think really personally saw me as a gay person). But I believed in the Church, I believed in what I was taught from a young age, and I wanted the happiness I was promised for doing it all. But I wasn't happy. I was very, very depressed actually. I always blamed it on the fact that I was imperfect, and all the weaknesses I had. I sure desired perfection, as I still do, but I haven’t yet achieved it (nor met anyone who has). It was the Christmas of 2012 when things took a very downward spiral for me. I was still at school, in Provo, alone in my apartment, working full time during the break to earn money. I had reached a point where I had to acknowledge it all, the fact that I was gay, and this was never going away. It was all very dooming to me at the time as I had never ever wanted to “be gay” or desire such. So I turned to finding ways to ending my life.

This is also a subject I don’t wish to dwell too long upon as it brings up in me the most raw and real feelings. Suffice it to say if it wasn’t for one good roommate in particular, I worry about what I may have done to myself. I had already been physically beating myself up a lot, but it was a breaking point. The emotional and physical scars were worn and life had been dying to tell me to accept the fact that I was gay. That I was ok. That somehow I had a life still worth living. I still cling to that thought now, albeit I’d be a liar if I said I didn't struggle with it still. There ya go, there’s my attempt at reconciliation of faith in action there in that last sentence! I am indeed trying.

So I came out. Slowly. Very slowly. It is an immensely difficult process, as it feels like the world you have always known is shattering all around you as you do. And sometimes it does, and sometimes life is surprisingly exceedingly still the same, and normal.

And then I found Derek.

That has been a struggle, as you can see marked by some of my personal journal entries. I have fought and fought and fought internally and outwardly to try and find a way to make my relationship work alongside the teachings of the Church. I've sought out people, I've researched, studied, prayed, fasted and done all I could to search for answers. And it has been the most grueling process to go through. It's felt like many if not most times up until now this constant tug of war I would be in, where on one end I gave up Derek and followed the Church's standards on homosexuality, as I've always tried to do. Then on the other hand I would give up the Church (so nonchalantly) and do whatever I wanted to do. Neither ever brought me the happiness I so desired.

But finally, making my coming out video has brought me peace. Peace that I have so long sought for. And answers to prayers I've so long made. You will be amazingly surprised at the answers that come, the help you receive and the peace of mind you'll feel by being completely 100% authentic with the world. I had no idea. That night I made that video, Derek and I drove up to Park City to get away. And man, I'll tell ya, I felt on top of the world. Not just that, but I felt whole, complete, perfect for the first time. By somehow accepting all of myself, most particularly the imperfections, I had found wholeness.

And that's where I am now. I finally have come to a place where I believe in myself fully. I believe that it's okay for me to date Derek, I believe it's okay for me to not go to Church every Sunday or do all I can to live my life in the "faithful way" that my Church has set it out. And I've gotten here because I've finally been able to find worth in myself. As hard and as crazy as that is, I Bryan Clark, find worth in me. And what I do, say and think. I live my life for love. I live my life for Derek for he is love, and shows me love back. And it's the most beautiful thing I've ever encountered. And I've found God there.

So no, in this post or in my current opinions, you will not find complete harmony with the Church's teachings. I openly question, struggle and am skeptical of things. I'm a science major: I am openly skeptical of all things (including God) but at the same time open to all new understanding and knowledge.

I bear my flaws to you now as I've accepted them as a part of me. And I hope to continue to be 100% bearing of all things in my life, like it or not, uncomfortable or not. I realize that this brings me an immense pain and heartache on a day to day level, as people seek to judge me as they see fit, but I must do this. I have to do this: to experience real happiness, real love and real joy, there's no other road. This is the walk we all must take. The one less traveled. And this is the walk I'm currently on.

 You see, life is real to me, I don't just do things, say things, or believe in things. I mean all that I do and I try to put my heart into all that I am. That's a 24/7 mountain to climb. And it's exhilarating and immensely scary at the same time; in the words of Brene Brown it causes quite the vulnerability headache.

So I haven't given up on anything, least of all God, the Church or myself. But I also hope not to deny anything or to push aside things I don't know for the mere fact of placing my faith and trust in others.I have seen too much damage by the Church when that is done. I also know that there is much love that can be still be done that way, and I won't call anyone wrong who does that. But for me, my faith and my reality: I choose me. Over ANYTHING. I CHOOSE ME. 

And as selfish as that may sound, I've found the greatest amount of joy and selfless living in that.

Dating 101: How to Not Suck in Dating

Dating Sucks.

Big time.

It can also be amazing.

I know. I've had my fair share of both ends of the spectrum, more times than I'd like to count. While I was in college I did my best to do my post missionary duty to date weekly, sometimes multiple dates in one week. The list of people I've gone out with is a particularly long one for me. So while I know I'm not the perfect person in the course of 'dating how to', I do feel I've learned a lot of practical sense in the arena. That goes for both dating guys or girls; I'll readily admit I've been out with many of both genders. Having been asked a few times by friends for advice or comfort, I thought it might be beneficial, at least for me, to get my thoughts all aligned on this subject and share them with you.

My 8th grade picture (I loved that shirt; Lets not talk about the teeth/smile shall we)...

Me now. *This really was just a moment for me to glory in myself a little. Sue me

1. Believe in yourself

 I've felt this way for a long time, and I've seen this principle work 100% of the time. Confidence is by far the sexiest attribute you can ever have. Hands down. People may say they like this or that in a person, but in the end this is what it boils down to.  In fact, everything else I say in this post will only be an appendage or clarification to this ideal. It's the hardest thing to do, I know, because it requires 100% effort on your end, and being numb to the ideas and opinions of others. But mark my words. When you change your thoughts and actions to actually believe you can be and do what you want to be/do, it'll happen.  I'll share one of my favorite quotes at the end of this post as a footnote that you may find helpful on this.

2. It's OK to be a little different

We all are. There is not nor ever will be a 100% match for you in this life. Never. Prove me wrong, I dare you. It's impossible to. Just as we are constantly evolving and shaping ourselves, you can never expect to always be 100% in sync with another person. And that's ok. Find someone who accepts you for who you are: your strengths and good qualities as well as your flaws. We all have them. So don't worry so much about the things you worry people might judge you for. Because in the end, that other person will be doing the same thing about themself. So take confidence. Be proud of the things you have going for ya and don't judge people or yourself in the ways you are different/not align in.

3. Never wait for a relationship to come to you

  So many people I've talked to have this messed up thinking that somehow if they keep hopelessly wishing for "Mr. Right" to come along that those wishes will add up into a Captain America at your doorway. That may have happened once for someone, but that would've been sheer luck. That's not how the world works. You have to go out actively seeking. Ask, knock, humble yourself, and listen. You'll be surprised at what will happen.


4. Expect the best in yourself- never in someone else

 This is a recent epiphany of mine. And it's perhaps the hardest thing to understand. I had a recent Facebook conversation on this and it seemed in the end I was still failing to help people see this. I always grew up with the understanding that if I did my best to be the person I wanted to be, I could then expect the same in my significant partner. That it was ok for me to be picky. And I would throw down any person who told me I needed to be more open.Wrong. Very wrong. Our expectations on ourselves should never be placed on another person. They have their own experiences, trials and circumstances that have led them to where they are now. If it's meant to work with someone it will work. You will attract most assuredly the kind of person you are. But that's never by force. Expectations place an unnecessary pressure on someone to live up to an ideal that in the end is never realistic, and it causes us to harshly judge others when they ultimately do fall short. I'm not saying here you shouldn't want great things in a significant other. But they should be that way not because you want it of them, but because they want it of them self. Does that make sense? Love is never forced. This advice goes for all people, including long wedded couples. Please ask me if you need further clarification.

5. Don't be scared of change 

 We live in a world where we have become very comfortable with ourselves. Cell phones, fast food, easy access to everything via internet, etc. We like (myself included)  to put forth as little effort as possible and receive the greatest return. This is not a healthy mindset. As noted through all history, we are constantly evolving, progressing (or the other way around) to a better/worse future. Our life is like our muscles: if we don't constantly work them, they get weak. We don't want to get weak and look like Mary Kate Olson (bless her heart- she's beautiful). We shouldn't at least want to. Be willing to let others change you for the better. After all, every single one of us has something to share and a contribution to give this world. So open up. Let them change you. Let life change you. You'll be surprised when you do how much happier life can be. This goes for going out with people you think are too different. No one is too different. Be open to dating new people. Really. Don't set your heights too high that you end up missing the mark.

6. Don't let your past define your present or future 

This goes for past mistakes, failures or even successes. All those experiences, whether good or bad have led you to where you are now. It's definitely important to look back on them and see what can be done to improve or stick with. But don't ever let yourself be overcome with all you've done wrong or can never do. Perhaps you've dated a lot, perhaps not at all. Perhaps you've never put yourself out there or you have way too much. Perhaps you feel you've made so many mistakes or are so far from the person you want to be that it seems there will never be a way out. Whatever it is, LET IT GO. Let all those worries, fears and anxieties slide like a greasy hamburger into the wastebasket. This is so hard to do. And something that will most likely take your whole lifetime to fully embrace; I sure know while I want to be like this I still find myself hanging onto those negative feelings every day.  Embrace where you are now and that you are a person who is capable of changing. Don't ever feel like you aren't worthy of love or a relationship. No matter what, you always are and will be. Believe it.

So that's my two bits for now on dating. I hope it helps some of you out there potentially. I know it has for me, as you can see I landed quite the bachelor:

I could die happy in this smile of his

Feel free to message me if you have questions or you think I may be wrong in some area. I'm open to that. Life has brought me to where I am now but I also know life can be very selfish and naive.

So yep. Peace all! Happy Dating

*Here's that quote of mine that I've found very helpful in several moments of my life: “Whenever you go out of doors, draw the chin in, carry the crown of the head high, & fill the lungs to the utmost; drink in the sunshine; greet your friends with a smile, & put soul into every handclasp. Do not fear being misunderstood & do not waste a minute thinking about your enemies. Try to fix firmly in your mind what you would like to do; & then without veering off direction, you will move straight to the goal. Keep your mind on the great & splendid things you would like to do, & then, as the days go gliding by, you will find yourself unconsciously seizing upon the opportunities that are required for the fulfilment of your desire, just as the coral insect takes from the running tide the element it needs. Picture in your mind the able, earnest, useful person you desire to be, & the thought you hold is hourly transforming you into the particular individual… Thought is supreme. Preserve a right mental attitude — the attitude of courage, frankness, & good cheer. To think right is to create. All things come through desire & every sincere prayer is answered. We become like that on which our hearts are fixed. Whenever you go out of doors, draw the chin in, carry the crown of the head high. We are god in the chrysalis.” - Elbert Hubbard

Another Sharing of Pieces From My Soul

I thought I might share a few more journal entries with my blog, and those of you who find it beneficial to read them.

Again I am a bit cautious in sharing these for the fact of how very vulnerable a position they put me in. But I've also found strength every time I take a step such as this, and a greater hope that it will lead me to where I'm supposed to be.

This time I tried to add a couple more of the moments in my life that gave me promising direction that's led me to where I am now. Albeit I'll admit it's a bit hard for me to find those entries, a lot of what I write about is very depressing. In fact most of it is. I guess that's human nature for me to: we tend to dwell more on our insecurities and depressed moments rather than the good (which can be just as overwhelming). So without further adieu, here's another snippet of moments peering into my soul:

February 05, 2013

Heaven knows I have a lot to talk about today. As I’ve been doing all I can to be accepting of myself, with regards to my strengths and flaws, I have since become more open with others regarding my struggle with same gender attraction. It has not been an easy road by any means to follow, but I can say with certainty that I have learned so much in the past few weeks, made friendships I hope will last forever, and in essence feel closer to God. 

Many of my own personal views have begun to evolve and change, but that is all for the better.

I had perhaps one of the lowest moments of my life today, and how trifling for me now looking back to see it was over the silliest thing. I've been so emotional lately; who knew how great the quest was at reaching inner peace with one’s self.  I feel like my whole life up until now I've had to hide my real self behind a beautiful painted picture. It was I thought everyone wanted to see.  It’s what I had been told to be. After all, who would appreciate a work of art that’s been roughed up, marked on, and clearly been worn? Clear flaws, aghast! There could be no such things in my painting. No, surely not, for I am to be a piece of art to be remembered, and that art can only be achieved by clear obedience to a before laden organization and scheme. Or is that really true? It’s what I’ve done my whole life. And now, now having been lost all these years, I can finally see.  

More into that thought: all the time I felt like my true artistry had to hide behind the facade of the pretend one. I feel like I’m learning to love the person behind the painting, the dark colors and marks made on that painting, as well as the one’s still yet to be made.

Beauty is so much in the imperfection of the human being. It’s what makes us who we are. It’s what keeps us humble, reminds us to change and keeps us moving. How have I lived for so long, and been so judgmental of those different to me? How I have I gone on living, staying safely behind the opinions and ideas of those not of my own? How can I hope to fully live life, if I don’t also feel free to express, wield and develop my own mind and intellect? There is beauty in faith, true, and even more yet, there is safety. And yet, the real fulfillment in life comes from ‘leaving the safe harbor’, and exploring and experiencing the world for one’s own.

I feel like I’m a babe again, learning all about the world around me. It’s all in motion, changing, moving towards some greater purpose in the universe. I weep for love, I weep for understanding and nurture. What the future has in store for me? I really don’t know. But I intend to ride the tidal waves of progress and change, bending my will to follow that which it may come across and be refined by. I am reborn.

Tuesday.

February 23, 2013

I feel extremely burdened, and overwhelmed at the moment. I think the reason I feel the way I do in great part may be due to the massive headache I’m trying to endure through right now. I can’t quite explain fully the emotional drama I’ve experienced this past two months, but it’s been more than I feel I’ve ever gone through.
I feel lost and confused, and tired. Tired of searching for answers to find nothing. Tired of trying to know what’s best for me to do. I’m just tired of it all. I can’t keep this up.

I watched a video Chandy shared with me, called “Mountains to Climb”, done by the Church. It’s a voice over of a talk by President Eyring, with differing situations shown. I bawled throughout the clip. I feel like my faith has been struck to the very core, and it’s terrifying. I’m also struck with wonder because in comparison, I know my trials are so small compared to others, and yet, I can’t feel constantly overwhelmed at the prospect of each new day……. I’m scared I’m digressing rather than progressing in my life right now. I don’t like that.  I got mad at God yesterday, because I couldn’t find my wallet anywhere. I think it was an explosion of the pent up feelings I’ve had about everything going on. I later found my wallet, but it still hasn’t stopped me to feel super guilty about it.


I can’t forget my mission and the person I knew I wanted to be while I served. Oh God, please hear this humble prayer of mine. Sanctify my heart. Lengthen my stride. Guide to me true paths, and help me find souls to bless.

Saturday

January 15. 2014

Oh. Another day. I really hate writing about depressing days. I feel guilty about them. I realize I could be better but I choose to wallow in my problems and personal drama. But nonetheless, I will write down the doings of my day so sometime in the future I can look back and think 'thank goodness I'm not in that same place', or “how could I have been so silly'.

I woke up this morning from a nightmare. Derek and I were on an elevator going up to the top of the Empire State building. I was grasping the ground the elevator shot up so fast. When we got to the top, there were windows encompassing the whole top of the building. I couldn't get up from the ground I was too scared. And then in my dream Derek opened the window and jumped out. At first I thought he was committing suicide, but then it seemed he was trying to fly with these shoulder wing mechanisms. But the wind in my dream kept blowing him into the window, and he kept slamming into it. Horribly. Hearing that scream in my mind now still makes me cry. I was bawling in my dream. And then I woke up. That ended up being a pre determiner of my emotional well-being for most of today……

January 22. 2014

My heart is heavy this evening. As heavy as it's ever been. I long for hope. Hope that I used to have but was robbed from me. Hope that I have a future worthy of living. I also long for faith. Faith in myself. I've been so fearful and made so many mistakes in that fear, or had of decisions thereof. I fear I've cut myself off from ever having a family or of being successful in a career. I fear being cut off from God.

Oh how I long for a family this evening. One with children to call my own. That thought has always been my saving grace ever since I've known. I remember as a child being so anxious for the day to find my wife and be married in the temple. I always thought I would try to be the best Father I could be, one my children could be proud of calling “Dad”. Oh how my heart still aches for that. Ache is not nearly an adequate enough expression for what I feel. It is so much more, so much deeper.

I miss the assurance of eternal life and of personal standing and grace with God. I do not want to stray from my God and the blessing he's so bountifully given me.

The stakes are high. So very high.

I am a torn man. I plead for guidance. I plead for mending. Am I wrong to date Derek and lead the path I am right now? Or should I painstakingly choose another way?

Oh if only some divine manifestation could give me the revelation I seek. No earthly man can tell me with great confidence that what I am doing is alright in the sight of God. I've only ever known the LDS faith. It's all I've been and given myself to. To leave would be an awfully terrible adventure in my mind.

I weep and yet I can't. My experience in this endeavor has become so harrowing that even tears escape me now. I want to love and be loved. I want to be love.

I am a broken man. I wish for the life that could have been, that should have been, but will never be. A new life.

Wednesday

April 25. 2014

Dear Journal,

It's good to be in touch with you again. You've helped me understand myself a lot, and you've helped see me through some rough times. It feels good to be completely honest with you, not like when in high school or freshman year of college where I would write every day, but never of the deeply troubling things of my mind (like being gay).

On that note I had two coworkers who asked me to come over tonight and said “Hey, you are a pretty boy, you take care of yourself and look good but you're not gay. And that's great”. I was on the verge of saying something and I chuckled, but decided it would be better to just say thank you.

I've been listening to some deeply spiritual music today: Ellie Goulding, Zoey Deschanel and Judy Garland. I love soulful music- the kind that has deep meaning, dripping with emotion. “All I want” is like that with Ellie Goulding. All of Judy Garland's music is so vulnerable. It rings deep into my soul.

I'm finding a greater sense of peace in my life. I sensed that while I was in the middle of my run today. I am gay, and I am a faith driven person. And I'm okay with myself, or at least on the path currently to getting there.

I checked the scale today..... It was a doozy but I expected it to be bad. I've eaten badly and not exercised as much lately. But that's changing as of today….. I'm a happy dog parent. I want a black baby (badly) and I'm a Mormon. And this is my life.

5.24.2014

Conquering the world, one thought at a time. Most preoccupying my mind in the present is yet another attempt of mine to try and resolve my faith with my sexuality (aka dating Derek). I believe in God and want to. So much goodness in my life has come from my faith. And I want to love Derek. He has been the greatest good and person to ever come into my life. It scares me, to think of life with him, or eternity even (if that's how it is). But he is the greatest person I have ever known. And I cherish the opportunity I've had to spend my life with him thus far. He is a beautiful, old soul. I love the Church. And I honestly acknowledge I have qualms I can't let go unnoticed with it. And I am anxious to be told I'm wrong and what to do. But I do feel more confidently (getting there) that I'm doing what I should be right now, in regards to the present knowledge and faith I have.

It's been a beautiful day. I woke up early in the morning, enjoying the tipper tatter of the rain, falling from the outside railing behind my window and onto the cement floor. It was beautiful. I love rainy days, they remind me so much of New York showers and the good times I had as a kid playing in the rain with my siblings. There was nothing like getting in our swim trunks and taking baths in the puddles the rain would create as kids! Oh that grosses me out now, but it was oh so fun.

I've been caught up a lot recently in money and my career. It's precluded all my thoughts and filled me with anxiety and embarrassment. I've let myself judge my own character and worth by what I make and the current position I'm in. I let it get me really down. But I'm through it and I'm better now.

I want to be a better person. And I don't want money to rule my life, or acquiring things. I just want to do the best with what I have. And love as much as I possibly can. And do as much as I possibly can for good.

So here's to me letting go of my current fear of the future and unknown and hate for all things, including resentments I've been holding and judgments I've let rule my life. I want to be me.

Alisha, my sister, has been so inspiring to me as of late. She seems so free and happy. And I love it. She amazes me. She's been so strong to do what makes her happy and to let go of what doesn't. And I can see it in her eyes, that look people have who really know what life is about. I've missed that look in my life.

Alisha, Sarah, Derek and myself, with Jake, all went out last night to the Bayou for dinner. Originally we were going to go to Lucky 13 (my personal favorite) but it was too busy. I do love being able to spend time with my family.

I got to spend the morning with Derek and Zoey, so life couldn't be better. She's 36.6 lbs now by the way! I can't believe how big she is. She's a bundle of a lot of things (including hair) but I do love her….. I'm a happy man, at this moment. Surely goodness has followed me and will continue to.

Saturday

5.29.2014

Oh what a wonderful day it's been. Life slowly gets better and better for me and I'm grateful for that. I'm sure there are a number of reasons for it, many of which I've decided to initiate, but all in all it makes me a happy person. And I hope to keep it up. I believe in myself….

The Church is still heavily on my mind. And I've been praying constantly in my own thoughts to God as to what to do. I'm still waiting. But I'll keep being patient. Man oh man oh man do I want my own kids. That's the biggest loss I feel right now from not following the Church’s teachings on homosexuality and marrying a woman. And I'm sure that's very selfish of me. But I can't help but feel it. The desire to be a father has inflamed my soul for as long as I've known.

More to come....