There's No Going Back

There’s No Going Back

Joy & Pain, Beauty & Vice

They all walk hand in hand

Each one grabbing after the other

To breathe their moment in the

Sun

The cliffs surround me
A tiny speck in an array of wilderness

Each grasp upward ever more slick

Ever more steep

Ever more exhaustive

The past is in the present

No clear horizon to guide the way 

The valley beneath shines a spectacular light

It also safe keeps the terrors of one false misstep

There’s no going back

-Bryan Clark

Dating 101: How to Not Suck in Dating

Dating Sucks.

Big time.

It can also be amazing.

I know. I've had my fair share of both ends of the spectrum, more times than I'd like to count. While I was in college I did my best to do my post missionary duty to date weekly, sometimes multiple dates in one week. The list of people I've gone out with is a particularly long one for me. So while I know I'm not the perfect person in the course of 'dating how to', I do feel I've learned a lot of practical sense in the arena. That goes for both dating guys or girls; I'll readily admit I've been out with many of both genders. Having been asked a few times by friends for advice or comfort, I thought it might be beneficial, at least for me, to get my thoughts all aligned on this subject and share them with you.

My 8th grade picture (I loved that shirt; Lets not talk about the teeth/smile shall we)...

Me now. *This really was just a moment for me to glory in myself a little. Sue me

1. Believe in yourself

 I've felt this way for a long time, and I've seen this principle work 100% of the time. Confidence is by far the sexiest attribute you can ever have. Hands down. People may say they like this or that in a person, but in the end this is what it boils down to.  In fact, everything else I say in this post will only be an appendage or clarification to this ideal. It's the hardest thing to do, I know, because it requires 100% effort on your end, and being numb to the ideas and opinions of others. But mark my words. When you change your thoughts and actions to actually believe you can be and do what you want to be/do, it'll happen.  I'll share one of my favorite quotes at the end of this post as a footnote that you may find helpful on this.

2. It's OK to be a little different

We all are. There is not nor ever will be a 100% match for you in this life. Never. Prove me wrong, I dare you. It's impossible to. Just as we are constantly evolving and shaping ourselves, you can never expect to always be 100% in sync with another person. And that's ok. Find someone who accepts you for who you are: your strengths and good qualities as well as your flaws. We all have them. So don't worry so much about the things you worry people might judge you for. Because in the end, that other person will be doing the same thing about themself. So take confidence. Be proud of the things you have going for ya and don't judge people or yourself in the ways you are different/not align in.

3. Never wait for a relationship to come to you

  So many people I've talked to have this messed up thinking that somehow if they keep hopelessly wishing for "Mr. Right" to come along that those wishes will add up into a Captain America at your doorway. That may have happened once for someone, but that would've been sheer luck. That's not how the world works. You have to go out actively seeking. Ask, knock, humble yourself, and listen. You'll be surprised at what will happen.


4. Expect the best in yourself- never in someone else

 This is a recent epiphany of mine. And it's perhaps the hardest thing to understand. I had a recent Facebook conversation on this and it seemed in the end I was still failing to help people see this. I always grew up with the understanding that if I did my best to be the person I wanted to be, I could then expect the same in my significant partner. That it was ok for me to be picky. And I would throw down any person who told me I needed to be more open.Wrong. Very wrong. Our expectations on ourselves should never be placed on another person. They have their own experiences, trials and circumstances that have led them to where they are now. If it's meant to work with someone it will work. You will attract most assuredly the kind of person you are. But that's never by force. Expectations place an unnecessary pressure on someone to live up to an ideal that in the end is never realistic, and it causes us to harshly judge others when they ultimately do fall short. I'm not saying here you shouldn't want great things in a significant other. But they should be that way not because you want it of them, but because they want it of them self. Does that make sense? Love is never forced. This advice goes for all people, including long wedded couples. Please ask me if you need further clarification.

5. Don't be scared of change 

 We live in a world where we have become very comfortable with ourselves. Cell phones, fast food, easy access to everything via internet, etc. We like (myself included)  to put forth as little effort as possible and receive the greatest return. This is not a healthy mindset. As noted through all history, we are constantly evolving, progressing (or the other way around) to a better/worse future. Our life is like our muscles: if we don't constantly work them, they get weak. We don't want to get weak and look like Mary Kate Olson (bless her heart- she's beautiful). We shouldn't at least want to. Be willing to let others change you for the better. After all, every single one of us has something to share and a contribution to give this world. So open up. Let them change you. Let life change you. You'll be surprised when you do how much happier life can be. This goes for going out with people you think are too different. No one is too different. Be open to dating new people. Really. Don't set your heights too high that you end up missing the mark.

6. Don't let your past define your present or future 

This goes for past mistakes, failures or even successes. All those experiences, whether good or bad have led you to where you are now. It's definitely important to look back on them and see what can be done to improve or stick with. But don't ever let yourself be overcome with all you've done wrong or can never do. Perhaps you've dated a lot, perhaps not at all. Perhaps you've never put yourself out there or you have way too much. Perhaps you feel you've made so many mistakes or are so far from the person you want to be that it seems there will never be a way out. Whatever it is, LET IT GO. Let all those worries, fears and anxieties slide like a greasy hamburger into the wastebasket. This is so hard to do. And something that will most likely take your whole lifetime to fully embrace; I sure know while I want to be like this I still find myself hanging onto those negative feelings every day.  Embrace where you are now and that you are a person who is capable of changing. Don't ever feel like you aren't worthy of love or a relationship. No matter what, you always are and will be. Believe it.

So that's my two bits for now on dating. I hope it helps some of you out there potentially. I know it has for me, as you can see I landed quite the bachelor:

I could die happy in this smile of his

Feel free to message me if you have questions or you think I may be wrong in some area. I'm open to that. Life has brought me to where I am now but I also know life can be very selfish and naive.

So yep. Peace all! Happy Dating

*Here's that quote of mine that I've found very helpful in several moments of my life: “Whenever you go out of doors, draw the chin in, carry the crown of the head high, & fill the lungs to the utmost; drink in the sunshine; greet your friends with a smile, & put soul into every handclasp. Do not fear being misunderstood & do not waste a minute thinking about your enemies. Try to fix firmly in your mind what you would like to do; & then without veering off direction, you will move straight to the goal. Keep your mind on the great & splendid things you would like to do, & then, as the days go gliding by, you will find yourself unconsciously seizing upon the opportunities that are required for the fulfilment of your desire, just as the coral insect takes from the running tide the element it needs. Picture in your mind the able, earnest, useful person you desire to be, & the thought you hold is hourly transforming you into the particular individual… Thought is supreme. Preserve a right mental attitude — the attitude of courage, frankness, & good cheer. To think right is to create. All things come through desire & every sincere prayer is answered. We become like that on which our hearts are fixed. Whenever you go out of doors, draw the chin in, carry the crown of the head high. We are god in the chrysalis.” - Elbert Hubbard

Another Sharing of Pieces From My Soul

I thought I might share a few more journal entries with my blog, and those of you who find it beneficial to read them.

Again I am a bit cautious in sharing these for the fact of how very vulnerable a position they put me in. But I've also found strength every time I take a step such as this, and a greater hope that it will lead me to where I'm supposed to be.

This time I tried to add a couple more of the moments in my life that gave me promising direction that's led me to where I am now. Albeit I'll admit it's a bit hard for me to find those entries, a lot of what I write about is very depressing. In fact most of it is. I guess that's human nature for me to: we tend to dwell more on our insecurities and depressed moments rather than the good (which can be just as overwhelming). So without further adieu, here's another snippet of moments peering into my soul:

February 05, 2013

Heaven knows I have a lot to talk about today. As I’ve been doing all I can to be accepting of myself, with regards to my strengths and flaws, I have since become more open with others regarding my struggle with same gender attraction. It has not been an easy road by any means to follow, but I can say with certainty that I have learned so much in the past few weeks, made friendships I hope will last forever, and in essence feel closer to God. 

Many of my own personal views have begun to evolve and change, but that is all for the better.

I had perhaps one of the lowest moments of my life today, and how trifling for me now looking back to see it was over the silliest thing. I've been so emotional lately; who knew how great the quest was at reaching inner peace with one’s self.  I feel like my whole life up until now I've had to hide my real self behind a beautiful painted picture. It was I thought everyone wanted to see.  It’s what I had been told to be. After all, who would appreciate a work of art that’s been roughed up, marked on, and clearly been worn? Clear flaws, aghast! There could be no such things in my painting. No, surely not, for I am to be a piece of art to be remembered, and that art can only be achieved by clear obedience to a before laden organization and scheme. Or is that really true? It’s what I’ve done my whole life. And now, now having been lost all these years, I can finally see.  

More into that thought: all the time I felt like my true artistry had to hide behind the facade of the pretend one. I feel like I’m learning to love the person behind the painting, the dark colors and marks made on that painting, as well as the one’s still yet to be made.

Beauty is so much in the imperfection of the human being. It’s what makes us who we are. It’s what keeps us humble, reminds us to change and keeps us moving. How have I lived for so long, and been so judgmental of those different to me? How I have I gone on living, staying safely behind the opinions and ideas of those not of my own? How can I hope to fully live life, if I don’t also feel free to express, wield and develop my own mind and intellect? There is beauty in faith, true, and even more yet, there is safety. And yet, the real fulfillment in life comes from ‘leaving the safe harbor’, and exploring and experiencing the world for one’s own.

I feel like I’m a babe again, learning all about the world around me. It’s all in motion, changing, moving towards some greater purpose in the universe. I weep for love, I weep for understanding and nurture. What the future has in store for me? I really don’t know. But I intend to ride the tidal waves of progress and change, bending my will to follow that which it may come across and be refined by. I am reborn.

Tuesday.

February 23, 2013

I feel extremely burdened, and overwhelmed at the moment. I think the reason I feel the way I do in great part may be due to the massive headache I’m trying to endure through right now. I can’t quite explain fully the emotional drama I’ve experienced this past two months, but it’s been more than I feel I’ve ever gone through.
I feel lost and confused, and tired. Tired of searching for answers to find nothing. Tired of trying to know what’s best for me to do. I’m just tired of it all. I can’t keep this up.

I watched a video Chandy shared with me, called “Mountains to Climb”, done by the Church. It’s a voice over of a talk by President Eyring, with differing situations shown. I bawled throughout the clip. I feel like my faith has been struck to the very core, and it’s terrifying. I’m also struck with wonder because in comparison, I know my trials are so small compared to others, and yet, I can’t feel constantly overwhelmed at the prospect of each new day……. I’m scared I’m digressing rather than progressing in my life right now. I don’t like that.  I got mad at God yesterday, because I couldn’t find my wallet anywhere. I think it was an explosion of the pent up feelings I’ve had about everything going on. I later found my wallet, but it still hasn’t stopped me to feel super guilty about it.


I can’t forget my mission and the person I knew I wanted to be while I served. Oh God, please hear this humble prayer of mine. Sanctify my heart. Lengthen my stride. Guide to me true paths, and help me find souls to bless.

Saturday

January 15. 2014

Oh. Another day. I really hate writing about depressing days. I feel guilty about them. I realize I could be better but I choose to wallow in my problems and personal drama. But nonetheless, I will write down the doings of my day so sometime in the future I can look back and think 'thank goodness I'm not in that same place', or “how could I have been so silly'.

I woke up this morning from a nightmare. Derek and I were on an elevator going up to the top of the Empire State building. I was grasping the ground the elevator shot up so fast. When we got to the top, there were windows encompassing the whole top of the building. I couldn't get up from the ground I was too scared. And then in my dream Derek opened the window and jumped out. At first I thought he was committing suicide, but then it seemed he was trying to fly with these shoulder wing mechanisms. But the wind in my dream kept blowing him into the window, and he kept slamming into it. Horribly. Hearing that scream in my mind now still makes me cry. I was bawling in my dream. And then I woke up. That ended up being a pre determiner of my emotional well-being for most of today……

January 22. 2014

My heart is heavy this evening. As heavy as it's ever been. I long for hope. Hope that I used to have but was robbed from me. Hope that I have a future worthy of living. I also long for faith. Faith in myself. I've been so fearful and made so many mistakes in that fear, or had of decisions thereof. I fear I've cut myself off from ever having a family or of being successful in a career. I fear being cut off from God.

Oh how I long for a family this evening. One with children to call my own. That thought has always been my saving grace ever since I've known. I remember as a child being so anxious for the day to find my wife and be married in the temple. I always thought I would try to be the best Father I could be, one my children could be proud of calling “Dad”. Oh how my heart still aches for that. Ache is not nearly an adequate enough expression for what I feel. It is so much more, so much deeper.

I miss the assurance of eternal life and of personal standing and grace with God. I do not want to stray from my God and the blessing he's so bountifully given me.

The stakes are high. So very high.

I am a torn man. I plead for guidance. I plead for mending. Am I wrong to date Derek and lead the path I am right now? Or should I painstakingly choose another way?

Oh if only some divine manifestation could give me the revelation I seek. No earthly man can tell me with great confidence that what I am doing is alright in the sight of God. I've only ever known the LDS faith. It's all I've been and given myself to. To leave would be an awfully terrible adventure in my mind.

I weep and yet I can't. My experience in this endeavor has become so harrowing that even tears escape me now. I want to love and be loved. I want to be love.

I am a broken man. I wish for the life that could have been, that should have been, but will never be. A new life.

Wednesday

April 25. 2014

Dear Journal,

It's good to be in touch with you again. You've helped me understand myself a lot, and you've helped see me through some rough times. It feels good to be completely honest with you, not like when in high school or freshman year of college where I would write every day, but never of the deeply troubling things of my mind (like being gay).

On that note I had two coworkers who asked me to come over tonight and said “Hey, you are a pretty boy, you take care of yourself and look good but you're not gay. And that's great”. I was on the verge of saying something and I chuckled, but decided it would be better to just say thank you.

I've been listening to some deeply spiritual music today: Ellie Goulding, Zoey Deschanel and Judy Garland. I love soulful music- the kind that has deep meaning, dripping with emotion. “All I want” is like that with Ellie Goulding. All of Judy Garland's music is so vulnerable. It rings deep into my soul.

I'm finding a greater sense of peace in my life. I sensed that while I was in the middle of my run today. I am gay, and I am a faith driven person. And I'm okay with myself, or at least on the path currently to getting there.

I checked the scale today..... It was a doozy but I expected it to be bad. I've eaten badly and not exercised as much lately. But that's changing as of today….. I'm a happy dog parent. I want a black baby (badly) and I'm a Mormon. And this is my life.

5.24.2014

Conquering the world, one thought at a time. Most preoccupying my mind in the present is yet another attempt of mine to try and resolve my faith with my sexuality (aka dating Derek). I believe in God and want to. So much goodness in my life has come from my faith. And I want to love Derek. He has been the greatest good and person to ever come into my life. It scares me, to think of life with him, or eternity even (if that's how it is). But he is the greatest person I have ever known. And I cherish the opportunity I've had to spend my life with him thus far. He is a beautiful, old soul. I love the Church. And I honestly acknowledge I have qualms I can't let go unnoticed with it. And I am anxious to be told I'm wrong and what to do. But I do feel more confidently (getting there) that I'm doing what I should be right now, in regards to the present knowledge and faith I have.

It's been a beautiful day. I woke up early in the morning, enjoying the tipper tatter of the rain, falling from the outside railing behind my window and onto the cement floor. It was beautiful. I love rainy days, they remind me so much of New York showers and the good times I had as a kid playing in the rain with my siblings. There was nothing like getting in our swim trunks and taking baths in the puddles the rain would create as kids! Oh that grosses me out now, but it was oh so fun.

I've been caught up a lot recently in money and my career. It's precluded all my thoughts and filled me with anxiety and embarrassment. I've let myself judge my own character and worth by what I make and the current position I'm in. I let it get me really down. But I'm through it and I'm better now.

I want to be a better person. And I don't want money to rule my life, or acquiring things. I just want to do the best with what I have. And love as much as I possibly can. And do as much as I possibly can for good.

So here's to me letting go of my current fear of the future and unknown and hate for all things, including resentments I've been holding and judgments I've let rule my life. I want to be me.

Alisha, my sister, has been so inspiring to me as of late. She seems so free and happy. And I love it. She amazes me. She's been so strong to do what makes her happy and to let go of what doesn't. And I can see it in her eyes, that look people have who really know what life is about. I've missed that look in my life.

Alisha, Sarah, Derek and myself, with Jake, all went out last night to the Bayou for dinner. Originally we were going to go to Lucky 13 (my personal favorite) but it was too busy. I do love being able to spend time with my family.

I got to spend the morning with Derek and Zoey, so life couldn't be better. She's 36.6 lbs now by the way! I can't believe how big she is. She's a bundle of a lot of things (including hair) but I do love her….. I'm a happy man, at this moment. Surely goodness has followed me and will continue to.

Saturday

5.29.2014

Oh what a wonderful day it's been. Life slowly gets better and better for me and I'm grateful for that. I'm sure there are a number of reasons for it, many of which I've decided to initiate, but all in all it makes me a happy person. And I hope to keep it up. I believe in myself….

The Church is still heavily on my mind. And I've been praying constantly in my own thoughts to God as to what to do. I'm still waiting. But I'll keep being patient. Man oh man oh man do I want my own kids. That's the biggest loss I feel right now from not following the Church’s teachings on homosexuality and marrying a woman. And I'm sure that's very selfish of me. But I can't help but feel it. The desire to be a father has inflamed my soul for as long as I've known.

More to come....

A Few Journal Entries from Deep Within

I've had the idea for a long time to make a blog compiled of previous journal entries of mine. While I've never been diligent enough to record down every day of my life, I'd still say I'm fairly consistent at keeping one up, ever since my sister Alisha made me a journal as a child.

I try to be as honest and open to my journal as I possibly can, no matter how heart wrenching and shameful at times it may feel. So I think depending on how this goes I might do regular past journal entries as a post.

Mind you all this is shared at a great price. This is where the deepest most innermost underlying of my thoughts go. Please be respectful. I'm not looking for solace, or praise or encouragement. These are shared ONLY because I seek for understanding: for myself and to all those others out there who find themselves in me also. I'm in a much better place now.

February 21, 2013

I feel helpless, and scared to death. Wow, who knew that confronting my homosexual feelings would ever bring such emotional drama to my life. I’ve been so up and so down this past month and a half, I can barely focus or think straight anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I am so glad I have been more open to myself and others about this, but I can’t get over this spiritual  hurdle I feel I am in now. What do I do? What’s the right choice? Nothing is clear cut to me anymore, and I’m afraid of any and every step I take. However, I do also get this fearless moments where I feel like I could do or say anything. I’m so confused and so lost right now. Why oh why God, am I to go through such suffering as this?

I want to be strong and conquer this and set the example, but I just don’t know how to do that anymore. I feel like no one has the answers for me, least of all myself or God. I’’m not mad at God, just frustrated is all. I know he loves me, and I don’t regret anything I’ve done since I started coming out. I just wish I knew the path that lies before, and  how to gain happiness and peace.

Sometimes I feel like I’m suffocating and I can’t do anything about it. The world encloses on me and shuts me out. I can’t handle it. I don’t know how to. I’ve never been prepped for this before.

I feel like I don’t belong anywhere. I don’t belong with fellow members of my church , who have no idea what I’m going through, and tonight I felt was demonstrated by going to the BYU’s USGA meeting for the 2nd time(gay club for BYU students) that I don’t belong there also. I just felt out of place and awkward. Perhaps I didn’t give it enough of a try. That’s really most likely it. I just lose so much desire now to put myself out there, in anything.

I can feel this apathy growing in my soul, that terrifies me, and it’s spreading like the plague. Oh God, please bless me with charity. Purify my heart to do thy will. How am I to go on I don’t know, but I’ll take it one step at a time.

Thursday

September 12, 2013

The days all clump together in a haze. School in the morning, work in the afternoon. Despite semi exerted efforts to avoid monotony, it has place in my life. The future has been on my mind a lot, like where I’d like to end up in a career. Marriage has also been on my mind, as in who I will/should marry and then potential future kids. Death has also been on my mind a lot and that day that my life will end up this earth, and then where life goes from there. I believe in God. I’ll trust in Him. I need to. Amidst all these perplexing inquiries, I need faith in something, because otherwise there is no real substance in anything, or peace, or hope.

I long for a family today. I long for guidance in my life to know what to do. I long for the courage to do what I already know to be right. I’ve been thinking a lot about Derek today and how much he means to me. He has become an invaluable part of my world and I don’t want to imagine life without him. But as fears naturally do and as my moral inclinations persuade me to believe, I fear I must let him go. It tears me apart. This agony of mine is unlike any other I’ve ever experienced. Never have I ever experienced such torment of mind and soul. It is nearly more than I can bare. One step at a time Bryan. One step. I have to be strong, I must be. My name means strong after all, it’s in my heritage. Someday I hope to look back at all of this and feel gratitude I endured. I hope someone else might be able to see the same thing also. I’m doing my best.

 I want to understand why my relationship with Derek can feel so good and yet be so wrong.  He is the most wonderful, caring person. I also know I want a temple marriage and my own kids. I want to please God. I’m so far from it right now. My soul has been tender to say the least today. I’ve never felt more anxious about life, more fearful of my path and the eternal consequences of such. I am so scared and fearful. I can’t lose the people I love. And I want to be true to myself. This is where my trust in God must come in. I need Him in my life, now, this very moment and always.

I love my family. Peter leaves for his mission in less than a week and it’s incredible. I will miss him so when he is gone, and yet I am so excited for the experiences he’ll have. I miss my mission. I must make the most of my life now. Life feels so easy and so difficult at the same time. Today I choose to pray, to humble myself and to seek after righteous things.

My exercises have suffered lately, most especially the gym. I haven’t been in over a week. I intend on changing that after work tonight.

One Day at a time. One step. Abide with me dear Lord.

An Addendum to September 26, 2013:

I’m up late tonight. My night took a random turn on me by surprise, as it many times does. I came home from work to make oatmeal chocolate chip cookies for Derek, as they are his favorite treat and I wanted to do something for him to show my love and appreciation for him and all he does for me. He actually had made me brownies in a similar gesture. We feasted on sweets (me meaning I tried to have self-control by eating two cookies and a half a brownie).

I watched Parks and Recreation with Derek while we ate. I’ve been trying to focus more on pleasing God and less on my own pleasures. While watching it with him, I had to resist against a greater pull than I’ve ever felt to embrace him and unite myself with him. It was hard.

I was thinking about my grandma today and how she will soon be leaving this life soon. I thought about her wonderful life of faithful living and devotion to God. She has a multitude of angels to meet her and congratulate her at her arrival to the next life. She’s going home to God. I also thought about my own life and how my departure would be. I only saw sadness.

Peter sent me a personal email to me today telling me he wished I had all my heart’s desire. It was sweet of him and somehow still made me sad. What is my heart’s desire and why is it not known to be to follow God? No matter what way I go about it, I can’t shake this feeling that by embracing the inner homosexual in me, that I’m disgracing God. Even more so, that I’m a lesser person or choosing a lesser path. Is all this worth it more than living with my family, than being with God, or receiving the blessings of exaltation? Is a homosexual life (in the means of marrying a man) a lesser life than that of marrying a woman in the temple?

This was some of the wonderings of my heart tonight. I prayed sincerely tonight to God for direction, faith in every footstep and humility. I could feel His presence when I prayed, and it indeed did humble me. I got caught up looking at some of Peter’s pictures and thinking again about how I feel like I’m choosing a lesser path, or somehow not as respectable or Christ like a person in God’s eyes. If homosexuality really were to be embraced, then where are those faithful ones in relationships, in the church, doing all they can to follow God? I can’t help but see everywhere that every homosexual partnership, for one thing or another, give up a part of their spirituality, or distort it in some way to their own liking. I can palpate the difference between how it’s meant to be (from my own personal experience) and how it is for people.

I went on a late night walk tonight, not able to sleep and trying to soothe my soul with “Come thou Fount” and “Abide with Me Tis Eventide”. It helped some but I still needed a real connection with God tonight. I wanted to show him how willing I was to do anything for Him. So I got up from bed and I went outside in the rain and colder temperatures, to talk with Him.

I poured out my anxieties in prayer as I walked around my neighborhood. I quietly walked as I awaited and prayed for some kind of response or sign. I imagined God walking beside, helping me sort through this issue. But I didn’t feel anything. I then looked up at the cloudy mountains in wonder, begging what I was to do. I pictured myself becoming one with God and one with the earth, and in my mind tried to embrace them all. That was when I really felt something.

I so often feel like my heart tells me sometimes to build a romance and partnership with Derek, and then my head and logic tells me to get out, build a relationship with a girl and get married. But then I realized while on my walk tonight that it’s not so much a battle of heart and mind (that would be so easy), but rather a battle of heart and heart. My heart is tugging me in two different directions and I can’t decide or move, because I can’t give up my heart? Or can I, and if I were to, which part would I have to give up. A small part of me tells me I can choose. I can choose what I want. But when I go to a church interview with an authority, can I be considered worthy and respectable for being in a homosexual relationship? Can I go to the temple worthily being married to a man? Can I look into the eyes of my fellow being and say I fully support my homosexual partnership, indeed when the very confines of God and nature itself have formed man to be compatible with and procreate with woman?

I want to give my heart to it all. That’s just who I am. I can’t give up things for the life of me when my heart is invested. I also can’t live knowingly when I’m doing something wrong. This is where the nightmare comes in, because I don’t know exactly is the truly wrong part (disregarding the church doctrine and focusing on my own self). I read in Neil A Maxwell’s book today “The Path of Discipleship” where he said “a wrong that is common among people should not necessarily be accepted as respectable”. It really made me think, is homosexuality and its growing acceptance and influence in modern society one of those “wrongs” that should not be necessarily accepted as acceptable?

I’ve heard church leaders state many times that you can’t go too far to be forgiven and redeemed of God and come back to Him. I look at my recent past and feel like I’ve driven bombs and massacre through it all. I have a very hard time seeing a future from that. So perhaps part of my lack of trust lies in the fact that I don’t see how God can fix all I’ve done or re right all that I’ve done wrong. I pray for forgiveness, oh Golly I pray for it all the time, and to be made pure. I pray for God to help me clean up my way and show me how I can be valuable in this life, if I am truly of value. I pray for Him to help me make something of this wreckage that I’m in. And I want to see it, I do. I just can’t.  I’m lacking faith, I know. I need more faith. But then the issue comes in again, faith to what cause?

Sometimes I wonder if I’ve always known the right answer as to what to do with my life and how to go about it. Get married of course, have kids, do those things. So when I get all focused in on that and then go about making my life that way, I wonder, why does this not feel right? Why does it not feel right to me to give up something such as my relationship with Derek that can feel so good and so happy? How can something be so contradictory? I’ve never encountered a greater paradox in my life than a “Gay Mormon” and making the two work.

Oh I pray and hope I can leave this life and be proud of the life I’ve left behind. I pray even more that I can be with and abide with God, my dear grandmothers and my family. I don’t want to be counted lesser than them. I also don’t want to knowingly avoid the opportunity to live with them and receive all the blessings of exaltation that I can. Angels have been promised behind me and in front of me to lift me up. I want angels at my funeral for me. I want to be proud of myself and God to be proud of me. I want happiness. I can’t bear the thought of not having it. So here I am, 1:41 am in the morning, wide awake, past the emotions of feeling and now entering the realm of exhaustion and apathy. I have been tossed and turned and beaten down and tortured. I have been stripped of all I have previously held dear. And despite my escaping ability to stand strong on my feet, something deep inside still keeps telling me to stand a little longer. Be a little more patient. Look a little deeper. Be a little smarter and kinder. I don’t want to hear those things. I want a definite direction to my life and how it’ll turn out. I want to be happy. I want everlasting happiness. So God, I pray to thee tonight, abide with me, and strengthen my will to follow thee. I can’t turn aside from Him now, then I would lose the last thing that I have and hold dear.

October 8, 2013

Dear Jesus,

I am addressing my journal entry to you today. The scriptures tell us to pray always without ceasing, as they are also full of prayers to you, so I believe this is an appropriate thing to do. I need you Jesus.

I'm struggling. I'm scared. I'm confused.

I don't know what to do with my life. You said you would be there to comfort, to visit when I'm weary, and guide me to the path of true happiness and joy. You told me I was a child of God with divine potential.

Oh Jesus, why do I not feel any of these right now? Why is it in the crux of my life, when I seek for your guidance and approbation most, I feel the farthest from it? I want to be right with you. I want to follow you, and be the perfect person you see me for.

Oh Jesus, I'm scared. I'm scared I'm not enough. I'm scared I'm too imperfect. And I'm scared of deviating from your path that you've set before me to follow. I'm scared of losing you. I've lost many things in my life, but I can't lose you. I am nothing without you.

Please help me understand why you've given me these current trials in my life, and how they all work for my greater good. How can two paths, both based on sincere and pure love, both be so polarly opposing? How can I find peace to my life when it comes to a conflict of love versus love? How can I make sense of that? Tell me, do I trust to follow your own chosen vessels in this world or the voice you instill in me? Please! Tell me what to do, and help me do it.

I want to be humble. I would give all I have to you, in order to receive of thy love, peace and joy. Please don't give up on me Sweet Jesus. Please don't ever leave me! Please help me. Help me in my unbelief.

I'm so tired Jesus. I'm tired of feeling so much pain and disappointment. I feel beaten down. I feel raw and bloody from a bitter battle that has left me for dead. Exposed to the world and it's travails around me, and unprepared for it's oncoming advances. And still, I make one step forward. I don't know how much more I can do. Please! Lift me my dear Jesus. Do not abandon me. Not in this hour of my greatest need.

I will trust you. If you need me to continue to go on without direction, without peace of mind and without understanding, I will. It's hard for me, but I will. I know your thoughts are higher than my own.

Just please sweet Jesus, tell me all will be well in the end. Tell me I will be forgiven. Tell me that I'm worth it, and that your love for me never fails.

Please watch over my friends. So many of my comrades are struggling, giving up on you, and lost in a world of depression and self-loathing. Do not abandon them. Be with them and bless them with your richness of blessings, because you love them. They are beautiful, precious souls.

October 26, 2013

It was an emotional night yesterday. My grandmother, or Father's Mother, passed away yesterday afternoon. While we've know that her death was near, the news still came as a surprise to me. I was at work at the time in the middle of a call, and I had to take a moment to regain myself. I knew immediately after hearing it that my Grandmother was in a better place, and that it wasn't the end. I also thought about how she would be with Christ. I was listening to God be with you till we meet again, and after hearing the part of “till we meet at Jesus's feet” I couldn't contain myself. Never had such words penetrated me before. I hope to meet my grandmother, and my other dear family members, at Jesus's feet. I have made so many mistakes this year and screwed my life up so much. I want to be better. I need to be better. The Gospel of Jesus Christ is true.

Derek was kind enough to bring me food for dinner. We made homemade pizzas last night with the new pizza stone that I bought last weekend.

I wasn't planning on it, but after Derek kept prodding me about my thoughts, I ended up breaking up with him. He took the news much worse than I thought. He cried and I cried. And then we were up for hours mulling it over. This was after we started watching “Finding Neverland”, one of my favorite movies.

We were up so late that we ended up waking up late, and thus missing the half marathon we both were supposed to be running. Yes, we had costumes and everything ready to run the race this morning and we just missed it. I still feel terrible. I also woke up and I guess in my half sleep told Derek we should stay together for now. I wasn't in a full state when I said that but he took it to heart.

I know in my heart I need to let him go, but I also know in my heart I don't want to lose the happiness that Derek brings me, and that I find in loving him.

Work has been pleasant today. I only had two calls the whole time. Derek came over for my dinner break and we went to Costa Vida to get some chicken quesadillas. 

Derek also told me last night that he thinks I'm bipolar. It came as a surprise to hear him say that, since no one has ever told me that before. And after more thought I can see where he's coming from, but I think the difference between me and those who really are bipolar, is all my symptoms come from dealing with my faith and my homosexual feelings. That alone could drive anyone crazy, who tries to conquer it.