That Thing Called Happiness

"It's a helluva start, being able to recognize what makes you happy"
-Lucille Ball

Happiness has been on my mind a lot. Like any right minded person, it's what I want. Badly. Now and always.


Sometimes life gets complicated, usually through my own accord subconsciously, and sometimes through no control of my own, and I forget what makes me happy. Or how to achieve it. Or believing that it can be mine. And in my despair there are a lot of people in the world who want to tell me how to be happy. Those people who say such things are for the most part genuinely sincere, and usually come from personal experience or intelligence.


I admire anyone who attempts to try and listen to all the people who tell them such things. From my own experience I think a lot of sad and depressed people in the world are such a way because they're trying to make room to give heed to what everyone tells them to do. We tend to call these type of people people pleasers. I Bryan Clark, on many occasion (and I'm sure many more in my lifetime) have been known to be a people pleaser. It's in my nature. I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing, ALL the time.


And I've heard a lot of what people say in regards to people pleasers who struggle with their own happiness:

"Live life for yourself!". 

"Do what makes you happy!" 

"Let it go". 

"Put yourself first"

"Don't worry about what other people think!"

"Just be happy"

And on they go.


And all those statements and people making them are right. i agree 100%. If only it were so easy for people pleasers to believe it all the time. There's a reason we try to please others. Whether it's a right or wrong way to do it, it's because we wish to show love to the person(s) we are pleasing. Any attempt to show love is a good thing in my book.


I spoke about being in a funk a couple of weeks ago, post same sex marriage legalization in Utah. Well that funk has been more like a month long funk. And I'm tired of it. I don't like feeling miserable, or confused or lost. And yet it happens, and I've been there for awhile now. I own that fact.


And I'm working on it.


So in attempt to try and help myself just "Be happy", I came up with a list of things I think help me feel that way (In no meaningful order), that I plan on incorporating much more into my life:

1. Derek. Well he's really pretty much already stuck with me, and for some crazy reason (he says love) he wants to stay.

2. Dancing in my underwear. Yes. In all sincerity, this thought makes me smile everytime. Saturday morning, there's no pressure on for the day, and what do you do but blare some T. Swift and dance with your dog in your undies. Ahh yes. I like this thought a lot.

3.Entertaining. Derek and I have greatly missed not having our own place. We like to throw parties. Usually around food. And we miss it. Soon enough. 

4. Laughing at myself. Yes, laughing at myself and not taking everything so seriously all the time makes me happy.

5. Running, hard. I love to just sprint as hard as I can on my runs and spread my arms out, as if I'm about to fly. It makes me feel empowered. 

6. Working out. <This includes having/maintaining a big chest and 6 pack abs. I find a man's physique to be beautiful (obviously) and I like feeling apart of that beauty. 

7. Dressing well. Ah yes. There's nothing like sprucing yourself up and looking good to make me feel happy and refined. It's classy I think. I acknowledge it's comfortable to be in gym shorts and t shirts all the time. But there's a class and sophistication I admire to the thoughtful dresser.

8. Making people laugh. I usually do this by making fun of myself (in a non self critical way). Or being random/awkward. Yes, I like those laughs. Or acting out random voices with people.

9. Doing sporadic, spontaneous things. Yes, this brings me exhilaration. There's nothing quite like leaving behind the plans and just living in the moment.

10. Working hard. Pretty self explanatory. I want to feel accomplished in my education, career, community and personal relationships with others.

11. These smiles:

My Journey to Self Acceptance

This post will be extremely uncomfortable I forewarn you, if not for you than for me. I’m going to paint you a picture- the most graphically emotional picture my nearly 26 years of life experience can muster. The people in this picture love me and I love them. They have imperfections as do I. Rather than what’s typical for me and for others, at least in a public sense, to focus on the good and ignore the bad, I’m going to paint the dark colors to my life painting. I've lived a beautiful life- a perfectly imperfect, human life.

 I do not paint this in the hopes for pity or to show how terrible my life has been, I do this simply for the desire to let others know they’re not alone.  I think about my life and I wish in my teenage years, as I continue to wish now, that I had people who were completely real to me about the good and the bad, and yet were still confident in their character. That’s what I need as I believe people need. I need to know as I believe others do that we don’t have to buy into anyone’s facade of “happiness in perfection”. That we can be happy and completely accepting of our whole selves.

My  coming out video was the hardest thing for me up until this point in my life, but I believe this is even harder as I intend to go into the details of how I've gotten here. No one has really ever done that for me. I've never really shared a lot of what I intend to. This is my 100% authentic story:

I was born with a sensitive spirit. I've been told that my whole life, I've seen it for myself as I've noticed the keenness I have towards the presence of those around me, than I felt my peers had. I innately see people’s needs, wants and desires. I've always had the tenacity to tailor myself according to those needs. To give an example, I remember ever since I was young child that while I would pee, I would use the side of the toilet, and not actually go in the water, to avoid the sound of peeing and thus an uncomfortable feeling for those who were around me.  I've always wanted to make people as comfortable as possible. I guess that trait has been what’s fostered my love to clean, cook,  and do other domestic things that I felt would be of need in my household.

In that I also come from a very big family, the 8^th of 9 kids to be exact. So I was always on the younger end, and add to that fact the inevitable truth that with such a large family, attention to each child has to be spread more thin. My parents did the best with what they had.

Because of my sensitive nature and need for approval from my family and peers, I had a very insecure childhood. I don’t blame my siblings for some of the things they said or did to me, as I was indeed very different than the norm, even in my family. I was never into manly things, such as sports, athleticism, etc as they were so adept in. Because I was different, burned forever into my mind are the names I’d be called such as “Fairy”, “Or Don Gay”. Or just simply “gay”. They were hurtful terms from people I wanted to feel respected by.  In fact I remember one song vividly where they would sing together over and over at the end of the song “From the bottom of Don Gay”. Because of such terms and my own insecurities, I kept to myself mostly, and had little to no friends. The friends I did have in elementary school and on to junior high saw my insecurity for friendship and to their imperfect advantage preyed on it. I would be the blunt of jokes; it never helped that I was Mormon in a non-Mormon community. I was the one they’d tell to go go do awful pranks (such as saying cruel things to random people or doing otherwise cruel things) and I would do it: I wanted their approval. I remember vividly one night when two of my friends told me we’d be watching a pg movie, after I told them I didn't watch rated R (because of my religion) and they expressed they wanted to. When I came back into the room to watch the movie, what came next was being tied down to the chair, as my eyes were then forced open to watch a pornographic moment of a rated R movie. I was horrified. And my self-esteem had found a new low.

When my family moved to Utah my parents have expressed since to me their worry for my ability to make friends, and because of such, had bought our families first dog. And to their credit that was my worry and fear too: that I would never have real friends. It wasn't until high school that I began to gain any sense of confidence in myself: when girls started to notice me and express their interest. I was taken back by this every time, that anyone could like me. Me the person who was so different and not anything like what the popular kids were like In a indirectly spoken sense I would flaunt my “romantic ability” to my triplet sisters. I wanted their approval of me too- but it was for them to acknowledge how superior I was, I desired to feel like I was better than everyone else.

It was around the age of 14 when I had the first curiosities and inclinations towards my sexual orientation. It started off as a curious wonder when I watched the sex ed video in 6^th grade, and while watching the video realized my penis was different than the one shown (you see, I’m uncircumcised). I was never told about this and was always too afraid to ask.  So I remember the first time I researched online to see if there were others like me, because I felt so lonely in the way I was. It was from that innocent first moment that I had by accident had my first encounter with gay porn and subsequently masturbation. Those encounters came and went throughout my high school and first year of college, as I would go periods with and without it. But it was the beginning fuel to what came to be an intense disdain and hatred for myself, a hatred that I would go to all costs to keep hidden. I couldn't talk about it, as any public discourse on the subject was on how evil it was. I didn't want people to think I was evil as I had desired so very hard to be good. But it was there, secretly, and was something I tried my best to ignore. There was one moment when my triplet sister caught me in the act of watching porn, that has perhaps fueled the most embarrassment and hatred for myself then I've ever known since. I cried and begged her to leave the room to her confused credit. I still shutter thinking upon that 15 year old boy.

So it was this conundrum I dealt with, writing a few times in my journal about the fear that I might be gay, or depicting out my own homosexual fantasies. There was one time when the next door neighbors I was friends with happened to be reading one of these entries, when I became super embarrassed, ripped the pages and stormed off crying. It was one charitable woman, I have no shame in mentioning, Trina Smith, who then took me in her arms, hugged me, and shared the book “You are Special” for the first time and then told me I was special. That moment meant the world to me.

But oh how I hated myself so. And because of such hatred acted out irrationally, including one time wrecking one of my parents car while I went “joy riding”. They were so worried about me at that point. My whole family was. I was so embarrassed. One name I was called at that moment, which was “Jekyll and Hyde”, stuck with me with such great shame, and has been stuck ever since with self disgust.  You see, my family has come a long way from where they’re from. We are much more openly affectionate (Ie hugs and verbally saying “I love you”) now then it was back then. Those type of formalities did not exist- and I don’t blame my parents. All you have to do is look at their family history they come from and not help but feel proud for how much they've improved on. But a 15 year old me was not about to step into my families shoes. I hated myself. I remember I used to cut myself, and how I showed it off proudly to one friend (as I would make up other dramatic untrue stories about myself) just so she would feel sorry for me. I wanted someone to feel sorry for me.

Growing up in the large family I did, I also experienced the pressure of being compared to my older siblings. They are wonderful, accomplished people. Particularly I was often compared (or I would compare myself) to my two oldest brothers, I felt I was constantly told to be like them and that they had everything together.  Many of my teenage journal entries almost come off as worship to them, saying things like “if I was half the man they were” or “I’ll never be as good as they are” type of sentiments. I couldn't see them as anything but perfect and myself as anything but evil, wanting to be good.

I guess another indication of my sensitivity and need to be accepted was regarding my weight. I was the guy who in nutrition class, admired the times we’d speak about “anorexic” people, because they had the capability to starve themselves to look better. Oh how I wanted to look thin. I am naturally larger built as a Clark and I hated that.  In my senior year of high school it was of such personal pressure that I dropped 40 lbs and got my skinniest. My mom could see something was up, and would express her worry about me being anorexic, but there was never a time to talk openly about it. If I was open about that I had to be open about everything else, and it was just not something we did in my family or I could do for myself.  That desire to be the perfect body continues to thrive on in my mind, albeit now I feel I've got a healthy grip on it

But I did gain some confidence and I gained more of that when I went on my mission for the Church. My homosexual feelings there seemed to thankfully be put on the back burner the whole time. At the beginning of the mission they did play a poignant part, where I had almost went home. Being completely by myself, away from all I knew, not understanding anything that was going on around me or having the commodities I once had known, was hard. And thinking that I would have to do it for 2 years felt like a nightmare. I got a tension headache that was constantly there that lasted for 2 months. At one point I panicked so much about it all that I had a “panic attack” during sacrament meeting and was immediately shipped to the mission capital. I had scans done, saw a doctor and a psychiatrist. Even then I did not have the trust in anyone to answer truthfully to the questions of whether I was gay or if I had any desire or thought to commit suicide. I did. But I held off, and I was blessed by the hand of God with the most charitable mission companion and president. Those two, Elder Hansen and Presidente Peterson are still some of my most favored people, who have forever changed my life for the better. So it seemed to go away and while I was very selfish in my mission, I worked hard, gained more self-confidence and became better.  

So I came home from my mission, a true changed man I felt, but still with the ignored fear in the background that everything I had done for good wasn't enough, because of the gay desires I’d felt.  I always thought it would be something to “go away” that God would forgive me of in the next life. I never saw myself addressing it at all in this life, only that it went away upon me getting married. I had lied in all my previous church interviews concerning my shortcomings, again because I couldn't fathom the thought of anyone associating me with being gay.  But oh how the guilt weighed on me, and only grew over time.

I’ve chronicled before how I desperately tried to pursue a romantic relationship with a woman.  It never seemed to work for me. I wanted the “perfect” woman as I thought outwardly that I was the “perfect” man. Or I guess I thought in finding the “perfect” woman it would somehow also make me what I wanted to be. But to my fortune nothing ever came to be. I did everything I possibly could to be the perfect person I wanted to be, which never was ever good enough for me.

It was November 2012 when at the prospect of graduating BYU next semester still single, weighed so on me. I was that “perfect boy” in so many people’s eyes, all of whom couldn't understand how I could not be married yet. But I knew. I could not nearly contain the hatred and shame I had held for myself all my life.

 It was a solemn winter. I was stuck in my apartment at BYU during the winter break, alone, when things reached the worst point for me. After viewing some sexual material I then made the jerk reaction to post a craigslist ad and I set up to meet a guy in the park late at night to do things with him. I went to that park, and circled it several times, but never stopped (as I saw the guys car parked there). I went home- but how close I had gotten to do something weighed so shamefully on my mind. It was then I made the decision to kill myself. There was no way I could live with myself.

 I watched “Prayers for Bobby” which had me bawling. I had heard a similar phrase of “I never wanted a gay son” several times in my mind. I then began to research all the gay suicides I could find, and gathered up enough emotional evidence to feel I had been a victim my whole life and a complete tragedy. I took a belt to my bedroom cloak closet and then in one instant, stuck my head into it. I was there for a good 30 seconds, on the urge of passing out, when I took myself out. I couldn't do it. I was too afraid. Afraid that life actually had something better for me than what I felt at that moment. That tiny shred of belief has to this point kept me from the several attempts, some more or less dramatic, at killing myself. But I tell ya many times that that desire is still very real. It’s a dangerous mindset to get in to think about killing yourself. I find that any small thing that goes wrong for me almost instantly begins to fuel that desire again to end my life. Such is one of my thorns in the flesh.

But I lived on, thankfully. I had one particular roommate who was a particular savior to me. But my hatred was still there. I had lived, but I needed to then do something about it. So I came out to two of my sisters, under the understanding that I was doing everything I could to follow the Church, to soften the blow. It was also this moment I started to date guys. My hatred went on in other forms. I spent countless hours just telling myself how much I hated myself; I would go in the shower and just cry for time on end. Anytime I would go out with a boy, or even think about doing something with one, I would pound my head into the wall until it bruised, telling myself over and over how disgusting I was. It was then I also took more to cutting, keeping mainly to my arms. I would do anything I could to abuse myself, for I felt there was no way a person like me, who had been living such a double life, could live with any sense of worth.

And the self-abuse raged on. It found it’s form in dating multiple men at the same time, lying, and letting others take advantage of me (such as sex) that were not particularly my will, but I was so dead inside I didn't care anymore. I was already going to hell. It's a frightening feeling, to feel empty, broken, hopeless. 

School became less and less important. I hardly attended class at all, even up to my last year. I would sleep in, crawl in a ball in my bedroom and just cry. I’d get to work late(which caused more problems), stay up late cramming last minute for tests, and I was sick, tired, and hollow. A completely broken, hollow man. I saw no hope. Suicide was always on my mind and the thought of spending one more day of life always felt more than I could bear. That picture I had gained of the perfect person, the one that was meant to go all the way to the top ( I legitimately saw myself as an apostle of the Church, or wanted to believe I’d be), with the perfect kids, job and wife, was gone. And would never come back.

Then to make the story shorter Derek came into my life, at just the right time. And as noted by the journal entries I've previously shared, was a struggle to commit to. To love. To have around at all. And yet he was patient enough to persevere, and I believe God kept giving me the strength to keep putting one step in front of the other in the dark.

It’s been the biggest miracle of my life to come out to my family and friends. I've noticed how it’s made those around me more loving towards me, accepting of others, and also accepting of themselves. I’m so glad to have made those hard decisions to do it- I don’t want to picture life in any other way.

It’s been in my vulnerable decisions to open up to others, particularly regarding this thing concerning my sexuality that I always hated, that has given me the self-confidence I always wanted. And the ability to love myself for me. All of me. And to do things not to please others, but to please myself. I feel happy, inside and out- and it's the most wonderful feeling alive to experience.

There has been so much good to my life, which I hope to also mention in future posts on my blog. But that is not the only side to my life. This side shown here is just as real as all else now, and will be part of my life story.

Again I wish to emphasize and express gratitude for where I’m at now, which is in a good place. I am so thankful, for enduring, for trying to be better, and for being gay, which has allowed me to grow in a capacity I could have never done without it. This is a 24/7 battle that is mine to face and I know there is much heartache and despair in my future as much as there is joy, as perfection and imperfection. And I commit to do my best to embrace it all as I've attempted to do in this blog post.

I believe in love, I believe I can make a difference,  I believe I am worthy of love.

And that’s my story. For now.

There's No Going Back

There’s No Going Back

Joy & Pain, Beauty & Vice

They all walk hand in hand

Each one grabbing after the other

To breathe their moment in the

Sun

The cliffs surround me
A tiny speck in an array of wilderness

Each grasp upward ever more slick

Ever more steep

Ever more exhaustive

The past is in the present

No clear horizon to guide the way 

The valley beneath shines a spectacular light

It also safe keeps the terrors of one false misstep

There’s no going back

-Bryan Clark

Another Sharing of Pieces From My Soul

I thought I might share a few more journal entries with my blog, and those of you who find it beneficial to read them.

Again I am a bit cautious in sharing these for the fact of how very vulnerable a position they put me in. But I've also found strength every time I take a step such as this, and a greater hope that it will lead me to where I'm supposed to be.

This time I tried to add a couple more of the moments in my life that gave me promising direction that's led me to where I am now. Albeit I'll admit it's a bit hard for me to find those entries, a lot of what I write about is very depressing. In fact most of it is. I guess that's human nature for me to: we tend to dwell more on our insecurities and depressed moments rather than the good (which can be just as overwhelming). So without further adieu, here's another snippet of moments peering into my soul:

February 05, 2013

Heaven knows I have a lot to talk about today. As I’ve been doing all I can to be accepting of myself, with regards to my strengths and flaws, I have since become more open with others regarding my struggle with same gender attraction. It has not been an easy road by any means to follow, but I can say with certainty that I have learned so much in the past few weeks, made friendships I hope will last forever, and in essence feel closer to God. 

Many of my own personal views have begun to evolve and change, but that is all for the better.

I had perhaps one of the lowest moments of my life today, and how trifling for me now looking back to see it was over the silliest thing. I've been so emotional lately; who knew how great the quest was at reaching inner peace with one’s self.  I feel like my whole life up until now I've had to hide my real self behind a beautiful painted picture. It was I thought everyone wanted to see.  It’s what I had been told to be. After all, who would appreciate a work of art that’s been roughed up, marked on, and clearly been worn? Clear flaws, aghast! There could be no such things in my painting. No, surely not, for I am to be a piece of art to be remembered, and that art can only be achieved by clear obedience to a before laden organization and scheme. Or is that really true? It’s what I’ve done my whole life. And now, now having been lost all these years, I can finally see.  

More into that thought: all the time I felt like my true artistry had to hide behind the facade of the pretend one. I feel like I’m learning to love the person behind the painting, the dark colors and marks made on that painting, as well as the one’s still yet to be made.

Beauty is so much in the imperfection of the human being. It’s what makes us who we are. It’s what keeps us humble, reminds us to change and keeps us moving. How have I lived for so long, and been so judgmental of those different to me? How I have I gone on living, staying safely behind the opinions and ideas of those not of my own? How can I hope to fully live life, if I don’t also feel free to express, wield and develop my own mind and intellect? There is beauty in faith, true, and even more yet, there is safety. And yet, the real fulfillment in life comes from ‘leaving the safe harbor’, and exploring and experiencing the world for one’s own.

I feel like I’m a babe again, learning all about the world around me. It’s all in motion, changing, moving towards some greater purpose in the universe. I weep for love, I weep for understanding and nurture. What the future has in store for me? I really don’t know. But I intend to ride the tidal waves of progress and change, bending my will to follow that which it may come across and be refined by. I am reborn.

Tuesday.

February 23, 2013

I feel extremely burdened, and overwhelmed at the moment. I think the reason I feel the way I do in great part may be due to the massive headache I’m trying to endure through right now. I can’t quite explain fully the emotional drama I’ve experienced this past two months, but it’s been more than I feel I’ve ever gone through.
I feel lost and confused, and tired. Tired of searching for answers to find nothing. Tired of trying to know what’s best for me to do. I’m just tired of it all. I can’t keep this up.

I watched a video Chandy shared with me, called “Mountains to Climb”, done by the Church. It’s a voice over of a talk by President Eyring, with differing situations shown. I bawled throughout the clip. I feel like my faith has been struck to the very core, and it’s terrifying. I’m also struck with wonder because in comparison, I know my trials are so small compared to others, and yet, I can’t feel constantly overwhelmed at the prospect of each new day……. I’m scared I’m digressing rather than progressing in my life right now. I don’t like that.  I got mad at God yesterday, because I couldn’t find my wallet anywhere. I think it was an explosion of the pent up feelings I’ve had about everything going on. I later found my wallet, but it still hasn’t stopped me to feel super guilty about it.


I can’t forget my mission and the person I knew I wanted to be while I served. Oh God, please hear this humble prayer of mine. Sanctify my heart. Lengthen my stride. Guide to me true paths, and help me find souls to bless.

Saturday

January 15. 2014

Oh. Another day. I really hate writing about depressing days. I feel guilty about them. I realize I could be better but I choose to wallow in my problems and personal drama. But nonetheless, I will write down the doings of my day so sometime in the future I can look back and think 'thank goodness I'm not in that same place', or “how could I have been so silly'.

I woke up this morning from a nightmare. Derek and I were on an elevator going up to the top of the Empire State building. I was grasping the ground the elevator shot up so fast. When we got to the top, there were windows encompassing the whole top of the building. I couldn't get up from the ground I was too scared. And then in my dream Derek opened the window and jumped out. At first I thought he was committing suicide, but then it seemed he was trying to fly with these shoulder wing mechanisms. But the wind in my dream kept blowing him into the window, and he kept slamming into it. Horribly. Hearing that scream in my mind now still makes me cry. I was bawling in my dream. And then I woke up. That ended up being a pre determiner of my emotional well-being for most of today……

January 22. 2014

My heart is heavy this evening. As heavy as it's ever been. I long for hope. Hope that I used to have but was robbed from me. Hope that I have a future worthy of living. I also long for faith. Faith in myself. I've been so fearful and made so many mistakes in that fear, or had of decisions thereof. I fear I've cut myself off from ever having a family or of being successful in a career. I fear being cut off from God.

Oh how I long for a family this evening. One with children to call my own. That thought has always been my saving grace ever since I've known. I remember as a child being so anxious for the day to find my wife and be married in the temple. I always thought I would try to be the best Father I could be, one my children could be proud of calling “Dad”. Oh how my heart still aches for that. Ache is not nearly an adequate enough expression for what I feel. It is so much more, so much deeper.

I miss the assurance of eternal life and of personal standing and grace with God. I do not want to stray from my God and the blessing he's so bountifully given me.

The stakes are high. So very high.

I am a torn man. I plead for guidance. I plead for mending. Am I wrong to date Derek and lead the path I am right now? Or should I painstakingly choose another way?

Oh if only some divine manifestation could give me the revelation I seek. No earthly man can tell me with great confidence that what I am doing is alright in the sight of God. I've only ever known the LDS faith. It's all I've been and given myself to. To leave would be an awfully terrible adventure in my mind.

I weep and yet I can't. My experience in this endeavor has become so harrowing that even tears escape me now. I want to love and be loved. I want to be love.

I am a broken man. I wish for the life that could have been, that should have been, but will never be. A new life.

Wednesday

April 25. 2014

Dear Journal,

It's good to be in touch with you again. You've helped me understand myself a lot, and you've helped see me through some rough times. It feels good to be completely honest with you, not like when in high school or freshman year of college where I would write every day, but never of the deeply troubling things of my mind (like being gay).

On that note I had two coworkers who asked me to come over tonight and said “Hey, you are a pretty boy, you take care of yourself and look good but you're not gay. And that's great”. I was on the verge of saying something and I chuckled, but decided it would be better to just say thank you.

I've been listening to some deeply spiritual music today: Ellie Goulding, Zoey Deschanel and Judy Garland. I love soulful music- the kind that has deep meaning, dripping with emotion. “All I want” is like that with Ellie Goulding. All of Judy Garland's music is so vulnerable. It rings deep into my soul.

I'm finding a greater sense of peace in my life. I sensed that while I was in the middle of my run today. I am gay, and I am a faith driven person. And I'm okay with myself, or at least on the path currently to getting there.

I checked the scale today..... It was a doozy but I expected it to be bad. I've eaten badly and not exercised as much lately. But that's changing as of today….. I'm a happy dog parent. I want a black baby (badly) and I'm a Mormon. And this is my life.

5.24.2014

Conquering the world, one thought at a time. Most preoccupying my mind in the present is yet another attempt of mine to try and resolve my faith with my sexuality (aka dating Derek). I believe in God and want to. So much goodness in my life has come from my faith. And I want to love Derek. He has been the greatest good and person to ever come into my life. It scares me, to think of life with him, or eternity even (if that's how it is). But he is the greatest person I have ever known. And I cherish the opportunity I've had to spend my life with him thus far. He is a beautiful, old soul. I love the Church. And I honestly acknowledge I have qualms I can't let go unnoticed with it. And I am anxious to be told I'm wrong and what to do. But I do feel more confidently (getting there) that I'm doing what I should be right now, in regards to the present knowledge and faith I have.

It's been a beautiful day. I woke up early in the morning, enjoying the tipper tatter of the rain, falling from the outside railing behind my window and onto the cement floor. It was beautiful. I love rainy days, they remind me so much of New York showers and the good times I had as a kid playing in the rain with my siblings. There was nothing like getting in our swim trunks and taking baths in the puddles the rain would create as kids! Oh that grosses me out now, but it was oh so fun.

I've been caught up a lot recently in money and my career. It's precluded all my thoughts and filled me with anxiety and embarrassment. I've let myself judge my own character and worth by what I make and the current position I'm in. I let it get me really down. But I'm through it and I'm better now.

I want to be a better person. And I don't want money to rule my life, or acquiring things. I just want to do the best with what I have. And love as much as I possibly can. And do as much as I possibly can for good.

So here's to me letting go of my current fear of the future and unknown and hate for all things, including resentments I've been holding and judgments I've let rule my life. I want to be me.

Alisha, my sister, has been so inspiring to me as of late. She seems so free and happy. And I love it. She amazes me. She's been so strong to do what makes her happy and to let go of what doesn't. And I can see it in her eyes, that look people have who really know what life is about. I've missed that look in my life.

Alisha, Sarah, Derek and myself, with Jake, all went out last night to the Bayou for dinner. Originally we were going to go to Lucky 13 (my personal favorite) but it was too busy. I do love being able to spend time with my family.

I got to spend the morning with Derek and Zoey, so life couldn't be better. She's 36.6 lbs now by the way! I can't believe how big she is. She's a bundle of a lot of things (including hair) but I do love her….. I'm a happy man, at this moment. Surely goodness has followed me and will continue to.

Saturday

5.29.2014

Oh what a wonderful day it's been. Life slowly gets better and better for me and I'm grateful for that. I'm sure there are a number of reasons for it, many of which I've decided to initiate, but all in all it makes me a happy person. And I hope to keep it up. I believe in myself….

The Church is still heavily on my mind. And I've been praying constantly in my own thoughts to God as to what to do. I'm still waiting. But I'll keep being patient. Man oh man oh man do I want my own kids. That's the biggest loss I feel right now from not following the Church’s teachings on homosexuality and marrying a woman. And I'm sure that's very selfish of me. But I can't help but feel it. The desire to be a father has inflamed my soul for as long as I've known.

More to come....

A Few Journal Entries from Deep Within

I've had the idea for a long time to make a blog compiled of previous journal entries of mine. While I've never been diligent enough to record down every day of my life, I'd still say I'm fairly consistent at keeping one up, ever since my sister Alisha made me a journal as a child.

I try to be as honest and open to my journal as I possibly can, no matter how heart wrenching and shameful at times it may feel. So I think depending on how this goes I might do regular past journal entries as a post.

Mind you all this is shared at a great price. This is where the deepest most innermost underlying of my thoughts go. Please be respectful. I'm not looking for solace, or praise or encouragement. These are shared ONLY because I seek for understanding: for myself and to all those others out there who find themselves in me also. I'm in a much better place now.

February 21, 2013

I feel helpless, and scared to death. Wow, who knew that confronting my homosexual feelings would ever bring such emotional drama to my life. I’ve been so up and so down this past month and a half, I can barely focus or think straight anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I am so glad I have been more open to myself and others about this, but I can’t get over this spiritual  hurdle I feel I am in now. What do I do? What’s the right choice? Nothing is clear cut to me anymore, and I’m afraid of any and every step I take. However, I do also get this fearless moments where I feel like I could do or say anything. I’m so confused and so lost right now. Why oh why God, am I to go through such suffering as this?

I want to be strong and conquer this and set the example, but I just don’t know how to do that anymore. I feel like no one has the answers for me, least of all myself or God. I’’m not mad at God, just frustrated is all. I know he loves me, and I don’t regret anything I’ve done since I started coming out. I just wish I knew the path that lies before, and  how to gain happiness and peace.

Sometimes I feel like I’m suffocating and I can’t do anything about it. The world encloses on me and shuts me out. I can’t handle it. I don’t know how to. I’ve never been prepped for this before.

I feel like I don’t belong anywhere. I don’t belong with fellow members of my church , who have no idea what I’m going through, and tonight I felt was demonstrated by going to the BYU’s USGA meeting for the 2nd time(gay club for BYU students) that I don’t belong there also. I just felt out of place and awkward. Perhaps I didn’t give it enough of a try. That’s really most likely it. I just lose so much desire now to put myself out there, in anything.

I can feel this apathy growing in my soul, that terrifies me, and it’s spreading like the plague. Oh God, please bless me with charity. Purify my heart to do thy will. How am I to go on I don’t know, but I’ll take it one step at a time.

Thursday

September 12, 2013

The days all clump together in a haze. School in the morning, work in the afternoon. Despite semi exerted efforts to avoid monotony, it has place in my life. The future has been on my mind a lot, like where I’d like to end up in a career. Marriage has also been on my mind, as in who I will/should marry and then potential future kids. Death has also been on my mind a lot and that day that my life will end up this earth, and then where life goes from there. I believe in God. I’ll trust in Him. I need to. Amidst all these perplexing inquiries, I need faith in something, because otherwise there is no real substance in anything, or peace, or hope.

I long for a family today. I long for guidance in my life to know what to do. I long for the courage to do what I already know to be right. I’ve been thinking a lot about Derek today and how much he means to me. He has become an invaluable part of my world and I don’t want to imagine life without him. But as fears naturally do and as my moral inclinations persuade me to believe, I fear I must let him go. It tears me apart. This agony of mine is unlike any other I’ve ever experienced. Never have I ever experienced such torment of mind and soul. It is nearly more than I can bare. One step at a time Bryan. One step. I have to be strong, I must be. My name means strong after all, it’s in my heritage. Someday I hope to look back at all of this and feel gratitude I endured. I hope someone else might be able to see the same thing also. I’m doing my best.

 I want to understand why my relationship with Derek can feel so good and yet be so wrong.  He is the most wonderful, caring person. I also know I want a temple marriage and my own kids. I want to please God. I’m so far from it right now. My soul has been tender to say the least today. I’ve never felt more anxious about life, more fearful of my path and the eternal consequences of such. I am so scared and fearful. I can’t lose the people I love. And I want to be true to myself. This is where my trust in God must come in. I need Him in my life, now, this very moment and always.

I love my family. Peter leaves for his mission in less than a week and it’s incredible. I will miss him so when he is gone, and yet I am so excited for the experiences he’ll have. I miss my mission. I must make the most of my life now. Life feels so easy and so difficult at the same time. Today I choose to pray, to humble myself and to seek after righteous things.

My exercises have suffered lately, most especially the gym. I haven’t been in over a week. I intend on changing that after work tonight.

One Day at a time. One step. Abide with me dear Lord.

An Addendum to September 26, 2013:

I’m up late tonight. My night took a random turn on me by surprise, as it many times does. I came home from work to make oatmeal chocolate chip cookies for Derek, as they are his favorite treat and I wanted to do something for him to show my love and appreciation for him and all he does for me. He actually had made me brownies in a similar gesture. We feasted on sweets (me meaning I tried to have self-control by eating two cookies and a half a brownie).

I watched Parks and Recreation with Derek while we ate. I’ve been trying to focus more on pleasing God and less on my own pleasures. While watching it with him, I had to resist against a greater pull than I’ve ever felt to embrace him and unite myself with him. It was hard.

I was thinking about my grandma today and how she will soon be leaving this life soon. I thought about her wonderful life of faithful living and devotion to God. She has a multitude of angels to meet her and congratulate her at her arrival to the next life. She’s going home to God. I also thought about my own life and how my departure would be. I only saw sadness.

Peter sent me a personal email to me today telling me he wished I had all my heart’s desire. It was sweet of him and somehow still made me sad. What is my heart’s desire and why is it not known to be to follow God? No matter what way I go about it, I can’t shake this feeling that by embracing the inner homosexual in me, that I’m disgracing God. Even more so, that I’m a lesser person or choosing a lesser path. Is all this worth it more than living with my family, than being with God, or receiving the blessings of exaltation? Is a homosexual life (in the means of marrying a man) a lesser life than that of marrying a woman in the temple?

This was some of the wonderings of my heart tonight. I prayed sincerely tonight to God for direction, faith in every footstep and humility. I could feel His presence when I prayed, and it indeed did humble me. I got caught up looking at some of Peter’s pictures and thinking again about how I feel like I’m choosing a lesser path, or somehow not as respectable or Christ like a person in God’s eyes. If homosexuality really were to be embraced, then where are those faithful ones in relationships, in the church, doing all they can to follow God? I can’t help but see everywhere that every homosexual partnership, for one thing or another, give up a part of their spirituality, or distort it in some way to their own liking. I can palpate the difference between how it’s meant to be (from my own personal experience) and how it is for people.

I went on a late night walk tonight, not able to sleep and trying to soothe my soul with “Come thou Fount” and “Abide with Me Tis Eventide”. It helped some but I still needed a real connection with God tonight. I wanted to show him how willing I was to do anything for Him. So I got up from bed and I went outside in the rain and colder temperatures, to talk with Him.

I poured out my anxieties in prayer as I walked around my neighborhood. I quietly walked as I awaited and prayed for some kind of response or sign. I imagined God walking beside, helping me sort through this issue. But I didn’t feel anything. I then looked up at the cloudy mountains in wonder, begging what I was to do. I pictured myself becoming one with God and one with the earth, and in my mind tried to embrace them all. That was when I really felt something.

I so often feel like my heart tells me sometimes to build a romance and partnership with Derek, and then my head and logic tells me to get out, build a relationship with a girl and get married. But then I realized while on my walk tonight that it’s not so much a battle of heart and mind (that would be so easy), but rather a battle of heart and heart. My heart is tugging me in two different directions and I can’t decide or move, because I can’t give up my heart? Or can I, and if I were to, which part would I have to give up. A small part of me tells me I can choose. I can choose what I want. But when I go to a church interview with an authority, can I be considered worthy and respectable for being in a homosexual relationship? Can I go to the temple worthily being married to a man? Can I look into the eyes of my fellow being and say I fully support my homosexual partnership, indeed when the very confines of God and nature itself have formed man to be compatible with and procreate with woman?

I want to give my heart to it all. That’s just who I am. I can’t give up things for the life of me when my heart is invested. I also can’t live knowingly when I’m doing something wrong. This is where the nightmare comes in, because I don’t know exactly is the truly wrong part (disregarding the church doctrine and focusing on my own self). I read in Neil A Maxwell’s book today “The Path of Discipleship” where he said “a wrong that is common among people should not necessarily be accepted as respectable”. It really made me think, is homosexuality and its growing acceptance and influence in modern society one of those “wrongs” that should not be necessarily accepted as acceptable?

I’ve heard church leaders state many times that you can’t go too far to be forgiven and redeemed of God and come back to Him. I look at my recent past and feel like I’ve driven bombs and massacre through it all. I have a very hard time seeing a future from that. So perhaps part of my lack of trust lies in the fact that I don’t see how God can fix all I’ve done or re right all that I’ve done wrong. I pray for forgiveness, oh Golly I pray for it all the time, and to be made pure. I pray for God to help me clean up my way and show me how I can be valuable in this life, if I am truly of value. I pray for Him to help me make something of this wreckage that I’m in. And I want to see it, I do. I just can’t.  I’m lacking faith, I know. I need more faith. But then the issue comes in again, faith to what cause?

Sometimes I wonder if I’ve always known the right answer as to what to do with my life and how to go about it. Get married of course, have kids, do those things. So when I get all focused in on that and then go about making my life that way, I wonder, why does this not feel right? Why does it not feel right to me to give up something such as my relationship with Derek that can feel so good and so happy? How can something be so contradictory? I’ve never encountered a greater paradox in my life than a “Gay Mormon” and making the two work.

Oh I pray and hope I can leave this life and be proud of the life I’ve left behind. I pray even more that I can be with and abide with God, my dear grandmothers and my family. I don’t want to be counted lesser than them. I also don’t want to knowingly avoid the opportunity to live with them and receive all the blessings of exaltation that I can. Angels have been promised behind me and in front of me to lift me up. I want angels at my funeral for me. I want to be proud of myself and God to be proud of me. I want happiness. I can’t bear the thought of not having it. So here I am, 1:41 am in the morning, wide awake, past the emotions of feeling and now entering the realm of exhaustion and apathy. I have been tossed and turned and beaten down and tortured. I have been stripped of all I have previously held dear. And despite my escaping ability to stand strong on my feet, something deep inside still keeps telling me to stand a little longer. Be a little more patient. Look a little deeper. Be a little smarter and kinder. I don’t want to hear those things. I want a definite direction to my life and how it’ll turn out. I want to be happy. I want everlasting happiness. So God, I pray to thee tonight, abide with me, and strengthen my will to follow thee. I can’t turn aside from Him now, then I would lose the last thing that I have and hold dear.

October 8, 2013

Dear Jesus,

I am addressing my journal entry to you today. The scriptures tell us to pray always without ceasing, as they are also full of prayers to you, so I believe this is an appropriate thing to do. I need you Jesus.

I'm struggling. I'm scared. I'm confused.

I don't know what to do with my life. You said you would be there to comfort, to visit when I'm weary, and guide me to the path of true happiness and joy. You told me I was a child of God with divine potential.

Oh Jesus, why do I not feel any of these right now? Why is it in the crux of my life, when I seek for your guidance and approbation most, I feel the farthest from it? I want to be right with you. I want to follow you, and be the perfect person you see me for.

Oh Jesus, I'm scared. I'm scared I'm not enough. I'm scared I'm too imperfect. And I'm scared of deviating from your path that you've set before me to follow. I'm scared of losing you. I've lost many things in my life, but I can't lose you. I am nothing without you.

Please help me understand why you've given me these current trials in my life, and how they all work for my greater good. How can two paths, both based on sincere and pure love, both be so polarly opposing? How can I find peace to my life when it comes to a conflict of love versus love? How can I make sense of that? Tell me, do I trust to follow your own chosen vessels in this world or the voice you instill in me? Please! Tell me what to do, and help me do it.

I want to be humble. I would give all I have to you, in order to receive of thy love, peace and joy. Please don't give up on me Sweet Jesus. Please don't ever leave me! Please help me. Help me in my unbelief.

I'm so tired Jesus. I'm tired of feeling so much pain and disappointment. I feel beaten down. I feel raw and bloody from a bitter battle that has left me for dead. Exposed to the world and it's travails around me, and unprepared for it's oncoming advances. And still, I make one step forward. I don't know how much more I can do. Please! Lift me my dear Jesus. Do not abandon me. Not in this hour of my greatest need.

I will trust you. If you need me to continue to go on without direction, without peace of mind and without understanding, I will. It's hard for me, but I will. I know your thoughts are higher than my own.

Just please sweet Jesus, tell me all will be well in the end. Tell me I will be forgiven. Tell me that I'm worth it, and that your love for me never fails.

Please watch over my friends. So many of my comrades are struggling, giving up on you, and lost in a world of depression and self-loathing. Do not abandon them. Be with them and bless them with your richness of blessings, because you love them. They are beautiful, precious souls.

October 26, 2013

It was an emotional night yesterday. My grandmother, or Father's Mother, passed away yesterday afternoon. While we've know that her death was near, the news still came as a surprise to me. I was at work at the time in the middle of a call, and I had to take a moment to regain myself. I knew immediately after hearing it that my Grandmother was in a better place, and that it wasn't the end. I also thought about how she would be with Christ. I was listening to God be with you till we meet again, and after hearing the part of “till we meet at Jesus's feet” I couldn't contain myself. Never had such words penetrated me before. I hope to meet my grandmother, and my other dear family members, at Jesus's feet. I have made so many mistakes this year and screwed my life up so much. I want to be better. I need to be better. The Gospel of Jesus Christ is true.

Derek was kind enough to bring me food for dinner. We made homemade pizzas last night with the new pizza stone that I bought last weekend.

I wasn't planning on it, but after Derek kept prodding me about my thoughts, I ended up breaking up with him. He took the news much worse than I thought. He cried and I cried. And then we were up for hours mulling it over. This was after we started watching “Finding Neverland”, one of my favorite movies.

We were up so late that we ended up waking up late, and thus missing the half marathon we both were supposed to be running. Yes, we had costumes and everything ready to run the race this morning and we just missed it. I still feel terrible. I also woke up and I guess in my half sleep told Derek we should stay together for now. I wasn't in a full state when I said that but he took it to heart.

I know in my heart I need to let him go, but I also know in my heart I don't want to lose the happiness that Derek brings me, and that I find in loving him.

Work has been pleasant today. I only had two calls the whole time. Derek came over for my dinner break and we went to Costa Vida to get some chicken quesadillas. 

Derek also told me last night that he thinks I'm bipolar. It came as a surprise to hear him say that, since no one has ever told me that before. And after more thought I can see where he's coming from, but I think the difference between me and those who really are bipolar, is all my symptoms come from dealing with my faith and my homosexual feelings. That alone could drive anyone crazy, who tries to conquer it.

Another Heaven

Faded thoughts of dreamless splendor

Diaries left unopened, revealing 

What could have

Been

But more fully what never was.

Fear drags along its conquered victim

into a place where no man sleeps

And eyes grow sore

Revealing secrets ne’er foretold

Where hope flickers meaninglessly one begins to see

Another Heaven