Again I am a bit cautious in sharing these for the fact of how very vulnerable a position they put me in. But I've also found strength every time I take a step such as this, and a greater hope that it will lead me to where I'm supposed to be.
This time I tried to add a couple more of the moments in my life that gave me promising direction that's led me to where I am now. Albeit I'll admit it's a bit hard for me to find those entries, a lot of what I write about is very depressing. In fact most of it is. I guess that's human nature for me to: we tend to dwell more on our insecurities and depressed moments rather than the good (which can be just as overwhelming). So without further adieu, here's another snippet of moments peering into my soul:
February 05, 2013
Heaven knows I have a lot to talk about today. As I’ve been doing all I can to be accepting of myself, with regards to my strengths and flaws, I have since become more open with others regarding my struggle with same gender attraction. It has not been an easy road by any means to follow, but I can say with certainty that I have learned so much in the past few weeks, made friendships I hope will last forever, and in essence feel closer to God.
Many of my own personal views have begun to evolve and change, but that is all for the better.
I had perhaps one of the lowest moments of my life today, and how trifling for me now looking back to see it was over the silliest thing. I've been so emotional lately; who knew how great the quest was at reaching inner peace with one’s self. I feel like my whole life up until now I've had to hide my real self behind a beautiful painted picture. It was I thought everyone wanted to see. It’s what I had been told to be. After all, who would appreciate a work of art that’s been roughed up, marked on, and clearly been worn? Clear flaws, aghast! There could be no such things in my painting. No, surely not, for I am to be a piece of art to be remembered, and that art can only be achieved by clear obedience to a before laden organization and scheme. Or is that really true? It’s what I’ve done my whole life. And now, now having been lost all these years, I can finally see.
More into that thought: all the time I felt like my true artistry had to hide behind the facade of the pretend one. I feel like I’m learning to love the person behind the painting, the dark colors and marks made on that painting, as well as the one’s still yet to be made.
Beauty is so much in the imperfection of the human being. It’s what makes us who we are. It’s what keeps us humble, reminds us to change and keeps us moving. How have I lived for so long, and been so judgmental of those different to me? How I have I gone on living, staying safely behind the opinions and ideas of those not of my own? How can I hope to fully live life, if I don’t also feel free to express, wield and develop my own mind and intellect? There is beauty in faith, true, and even more yet, there is safety. And yet, the real fulfillment in life comes from ‘leaving the safe harbor’, and exploring and experiencing the world for one’s own.
I feel like I’m a babe again, learning all about the world around me. It’s all in motion, changing, moving towards some greater purpose in the universe. I weep for love, I weep for understanding and nurture. What the future has in store for me? I really don’t know. But I intend to ride the tidal waves of progress and change, bending my will to follow that which it may come across and be refined by. I am reborn.
Tuesday.
Heaven knows I have a lot to talk about today. As I’ve been doing all I can to be accepting of myself, with regards to my strengths and flaws, I have since become more open with others regarding my struggle with same gender attraction. It has not been an easy road by any means to follow, but I can say with certainty that I have learned so much in the past few weeks, made friendships I hope will last forever, and in essence feel closer to God.
Many of my own personal views have begun to evolve and change, but that is all for the better.
I had perhaps one of the lowest moments of my life today, and how trifling for me now looking back to see it was over the silliest thing. I've been so emotional lately; who knew how great the quest was at reaching inner peace with one’s self. I feel like my whole life up until now I've had to hide my real self behind a beautiful painted picture. It was I thought everyone wanted to see. It’s what I had been told to be. After all, who would appreciate a work of art that’s been roughed up, marked on, and clearly been worn? Clear flaws, aghast! There could be no such things in my painting. No, surely not, for I am to be a piece of art to be remembered, and that art can only be achieved by clear obedience to a before laden organization and scheme. Or is that really true? It’s what I’ve done my whole life. And now, now having been lost all these years, I can finally see.
More into that thought: all the time I felt like my true artistry had to hide behind the facade of the pretend one. I feel like I’m learning to love the person behind the painting, the dark colors and marks made on that painting, as well as the one’s still yet to be made.
Beauty is so much in the imperfection of the human being. It’s what makes us who we are. It’s what keeps us humble, reminds us to change and keeps us moving. How have I lived for so long, and been so judgmental of those different to me? How I have I gone on living, staying safely behind the opinions and ideas of those not of my own? How can I hope to fully live life, if I don’t also feel free to express, wield and develop my own mind and intellect? There is beauty in faith, true, and even more yet, there is safety. And yet, the real fulfillment in life comes from ‘leaving the safe harbor’, and exploring and experiencing the world for one’s own.
I feel like I’m a babe again, learning all about the world around me. It’s all in motion, changing, moving towards some greater purpose in the universe. I weep for love, I weep for understanding and nurture. What the future has in store for me? I really don’t know. But I intend to ride the tidal waves of progress and change, bending my will to follow that which it may come across and be refined by. I am reborn.
Tuesday.
February 23, 2013
I feel extremely burdened, and overwhelmed at the moment. I think the reason I feel the way I do in great part may be due to the massive headache I’m trying to endure through right now. I can’t quite explain fully the emotional drama I’ve experienced this past two months, but it’s been more than I feel I’ve ever gone through.
I feel lost and confused, and tired. Tired of searching for answers to find nothing. Tired of trying to know what’s best for me to do. I’m just tired of it all. I can’t keep this up.
I watched a video Chandy shared with me, called “Mountains to Climb”, done by the Church. It’s a voice over of a talk by President Eyring, with differing situations shown. I bawled throughout the clip. I feel like my faith has been struck to the very core, and it’s terrifying. I’m also struck with wonder because in comparison, I know my trials are so small compared to others, and yet, I can’t feel constantly overwhelmed at the prospect of each new day……. I’m scared I’m digressing rather than progressing in my life right now. I don’t like that. I got mad at God yesterday, because I couldn’t find my wallet anywhere. I think it was an explosion of the pent up feelings I’ve had about everything going on. I later found my wallet, but it still hasn’t stopped me to feel super guilty about it.
I can’t forget my mission and the person I knew I wanted to be while I served. Oh God, please hear this humble prayer of mine. Sanctify my heart. Lengthen my stride. Guide to me true paths, and help me find souls to bless.
Saturday
I feel extremely burdened, and overwhelmed at the moment. I think the reason I feel the way I do in great part may be due to the massive headache I’m trying to endure through right now. I can’t quite explain fully the emotional drama I’ve experienced this past two months, but it’s been more than I feel I’ve ever gone through.
I feel lost and confused, and tired. Tired of searching for answers to find nothing. Tired of trying to know what’s best for me to do. I’m just tired of it all. I can’t keep this up.
I watched a video Chandy shared with me, called “Mountains to Climb”, done by the Church. It’s a voice over of a talk by President Eyring, with differing situations shown. I bawled throughout the clip. I feel like my faith has been struck to the very core, and it’s terrifying. I’m also struck with wonder because in comparison, I know my trials are so small compared to others, and yet, I can’t feel constantly overwhelmed at the prospect of each new day……. I’m scared I’m digressing rather than progressing in my life right now. I don’t like that. I got mad at God yesterday, because I couldn’t find my wallet anywhere. I think it was an explosion of the pent up feelings I’ve had about everything going on. I later found my wallet, but it still hasn’t stopped me to feel super guilty about it.
I can’t forget my mission and the person I knew I wanted to be while I served. Oh God, please hear this humble prayer of mine. Sanctify my heart. Lengthen my stride. Guide to me true paths, and help me find souls to bless.
Saturday
January 15. 2014
Oh. Another day. I really hate writing about depressing days. I feel guilty about them. I realize I could be better but I choose to wallow in my problems and personal drama. But nonetheless, I will write down the doings of my day so sometime in the future I can look back and think 'thank goodness I'm not in that same place', or “how could I have been so silly'.
I woke up this morning from a nightmare. Derek and I were on an elevator going up to the top of the Empire State building. I was grasping the ground the elevator shot up so fast. When we got to the top, there were windows encompassing the whole top of the building. I couldn't get up from the ground I was too scared. And then in my dream Derek opened the window and jumped out. At first I thought he was committing suicide, but then it seemed he was trying to fly with these shoulder wing mechanisms. But the wind in my dream kept blowing him into the window, and he kept slamming into it. Horribly. Hearing that scream in my mind now still makes me cry. I was bawling in my dream. And then I woke up. That ended up being a pre determiner of my emotional well-being for most of today……
January 22. 2014
My heart is heavy this evening. As heavy as it's ever been. I long for hope. Hope that I used to have but was robbed from me. Hope that I have a future worthy of living. I also long for faith. Faith in myself. I've been so fearful and made so many mistakes in that fear, or had of decisions thereof. I fear I've cut myself off from ever having a family or of being successful in a career. I fear being cut off from God.
Oh how I long for a family this evening. One with children to call my own. That thought has always been my saving grace ever since I've known. I remember as a child being so anxious for the day to find my wife and be married in the temple. I always thought I would try to be the best Father I could be, one my children could be proud of calling “Dad”. Oh how my heart still aches for that. Ache is not nearly an adequate enough expression for what I feel. It is so much more, so much deeper.
I miss the assurance of eternal life and of personal standing and grace with God. I do not want to stray from my God and the blessing he's so bountifully given me.
The stakes are high. So very high.
I am a torn man. I plead for guidance. I plead for mending. Am I wrong to date Derek and lead the path I am right now? Or should I painstakingly choose another way?
Oh if only some divine manifestation could give me the revelation I seek. No earthly man can tell me with great confidence that what I am doing is alright in the sight of God. I've only ever known the LDS faith. It's all I've been and given myself to. To leave would be an awfully terrible adventure in my mind.
I weep and yet I can't. My experience in this endeavor has become so harrowing that even tears escape me now. I want to love and be loved. I want to be love.
I am a broken man. I wish for the life that could have been, that should have been, but will never be. A new life.
Wednesday
April 25. 2014
Dear Journal,
It's good to be in touch with you again. You've helped me understand myself a lot, and you've helped see me through some rough times. It feels good to be completely honest with you, not like when in high school or freshman year of college where I would write every day, but never of the deeply troubling things of my mind (like being gay).
On that note I had two coworkers who asked me to come over tonight and said “Hey, you are a pretty boy, you take care of yourself and look good but you're not gay. And that's great”. I was on the verge of saying something and I chuckled, but decided it would be better to just say thank you.
I've been listening to some deeply spiritual music today: Ellie Goulding, Zoey Deschanel and Judy Garland. I love soulful music- the kind that has deep meaning, dripping with emotion. “All I want” is like that with Ellie Goulding. All of Judy Garland's music is so vulnerable. It rings deep into my soul.
I'm finding a greater sense of peace in my life. I sensed that while I was in the middle of my run today. I am gay, and I am a faith driven person. And I'm okay with myself, or at least on the path currently to getting there.
I checked the scale today..... It was a doozy but I expected it to be bad. I've eaten badly and not exercised as much lately. But that's changing as of today….. I'm a happy dog parent. I want a black baby (badly) and I'm a Mormon. And this is my life.
5.24.2014
Conquering the world, one thought at a time. Most preoccupying my mind in the present is yet another attempt of mine to try and resolve my faith with my sexuality (aka dating Derek). I believe in God and want to. So much goodness in my life has come from my faith. And I want to love Derek. He has been the greatest good and person to ever come into my life. It scares me, to think of life with him, or eternity even (if that's how it is). But he is the greatest person I have ever known. And I cherish the opportunity I've had to spend my life with him thus far. He is a beautiful, old soul. I love the Church. And I honestly acknowledge I have qualms I can't let go unnoticed with it. And I am anxious to be told I'm wrong and what to do. But I do feel more confidently (getting there) that I'm doing what I should be right now, in regards to the present knowledge and faith I have.
It's been a beautiful day. I woke up early in the morning, enjoying the tipper tatter of the rain, falling from the outside railing behind my window and onto the cement floor. It was beautiful. I love rainy days, they remind me so much of New York showers and the good times I had as a kid playing in the rain with my siblings. There was nothing like getting in our swim trunks and taking baths in the puddles the rain would create as kids! Oh that grosses me out now, but it was oh so fun.
I've been caught up a lot recently in money and my career. It's precluded all my thoughts and filled me with anxiety and embarrassment. I've let myself judge my own character and worth by what I make and the current position I'm in. I let it get me really down. But I'm through it and I'm better now.
I want to be a better person. And I don't want money to rule my life, or acquiring things. I just want to do the best with what I have. And love as much as I possibly can. And do as much as I possibly can for good.
So here's to me letting go of my current fear of the future and unknown and hate for all things, including resentments I've been holding and judgments I've let rule my life. I want to be me.
Alisha, my sister, has been so inspiring to me as of late. She seems so free and happy. And I love it. She amazes me. She's been so strong to do what makes her happy and to let go of what doesn't. And I can see it in her eyes, that look people have who really know what life is about. I've missed that look in my life.
Alisha, Sarah, Derek and myself, with Jake, all went out last night to the Bayou for dinner. Originally we were going to go to Lucky 13 (my personal favorite) but it was too busy. I do love being able to spend time with my family.
I got to spend the morning with Derek and Zoey, so life couldn't be better. She's 36.6 lbs now by the way! I can't believe how big she is. She's a bundle of a lot of things (including hair) but I do love her….. I'm a happy man, at this moment. Surely goodness has followed me and will continue to.
Saturday
5.29.2014
Oh what a wonderful day it's been. Life slowly gets better and better for me and I'm grateful for that. I'm sure there are a number of reasons for it, many of which I've decided to initiate, but all in all it makes me a happy person. And I hope to keep it up. I believe in myself….
The Church is still heavily on my mind. And I've been praying constantly in my own thoughts to God as to what to do. I'm still waiting. But I'll keep being patient. Man oh man oh man do I want my own kids. That's the biggest loss I feel right now from not following the Church’s teachings on homosexuality and marrying a woman. And I'm sure that's very selfish of me. But I can't help but feel it. The desire to be a father has inflamed my soul for as long as I've known.
More to come....
<3 <3 <3 :)
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